How Are You Showing Up for Yourself?

My therapist asked me a question this week which has been bouncing around my head since the session.

How are you showing up for yourself

It made me stop and think.

I think it came on the back of a bit of a monologue about all the stuff going on right now and what I was doing for other people. Standard stuff, nothing that probably any other midlife person wouldn’t relate to.

Eldest kid about to sit GCSEs, a bit of ex-husband and co-parenting stuff to navigate, Dad not feeling too well and needing a bit of extra support, Mother in Law poorly, and my husband recovering from surgery at the same time as landing a big piece of work that needed a few nights away from home, some health stuff coming to the fore that I really need to focus on. Oh and running a business with all the day-to-day stuff and stuff that involves.

How are you showing up for yourself.

Well, it’s a good question, and if she’d have asked me a few years back I’d have proudly said mostly by just cracking on and ignoring the increasing feelings of squeeze and tension.

Because that’s what I was very good at. Putting more lippy on, concealer over the concealer and just cracking on.

Do you relate?

I’m not sure it works though to be honest. I’m not sure it works and I’m not sure it’s terribly honest or helpful. In the long run, it’s generally a pretty bad idea too.

Related to this, I read this week, that following an FOI request that 185 out of 317 councils answered, there are 10,000 people off on long-term sick in local government right now. This is up 18% from 2019 and will be an underrepresentation given that data was only provided by 58% of councils. The true figure could be anything up to 17,000 people if the data provided by the councils that responded is used as a proxy figure for the rest. ?

Although the data does not include a breakdown of the classification of illness, another survey carried out by Unison this year, showed that of the 12,000 NHS workers they polled, almost 31% had taken time off due to mental health issues in the past year. One in five of these did not disclose the real reason for sickness absence due to fears that their manager would not be supportive.

If we think about what the public sector has been dealing with since 2019.

?- COVID

- cost of living crisis

- hybrid working

- impact of rising demand

- rises in costs of fuel

- national political instability

- global conflict impacts

Add to this the fact that a high proportion of public sector workers are women (in the health and social work sector, 77% of jobs are held by women, and in education it is 70%), there is a triple impact in the challenges of public sector cuts that they have to manage. Impact as leaders within the public sector and managing stress and frustration of teams and service users. Impact on themselves of enduring waits for hospital appointments or lack of availability of medication such as HRT or for ADHD. This further impacts on families, with women often bearing the brunt, with supporting older parents who may be on long waiting lists for operations, or other family members who no longer get support such as access to youth services or breakfast clubs. ?

No wonder levels of mental health issues and burnout are rising. ?

One of the things that I hear time and time again from the public sector people I work with is the endless change, churn, and challenge of how to do more with less. Less people, less resources, and less patience. I don’t just mean less patience internally within the organisation, but externally from residents, customers, patients, service users. People are generally less patient, expect more, quicker and don’t much care that there may be 1.3 people doing a job that previously had 6 people to manage it.

Put that in the context of the endless cutting back, the making more with less, across a sector that let’s face it, the fat was trimmed from a long time ago now. It’s obvious to see why so many people are struggling.

Struggling but not telling their managers, if the Unison survey is anything to go by, because they don’t think they will be supported. Struggling but struggling on, until they can’t anymore and end up on long term sickness with depression, anxiety or burnout. I don’t know what proportion of the 10,000 (or maybe 17,000) people are off on long term absence with mental health issues, but I’m going to take a guess that it’s more than a few.

Don’t even get me started on Rishi Sunak and his sick notes. That’s a conversation for a whole other day. Maybe one day never, as hopefully there will be a political change coming soon enough to enable everyone to kick some of the worst of the last 13 years (unlucky for some, well in fact most let’s face it) into the long grass.

Anyway, back to the original point.

How are you showing up for yourself.

It’s been a long time since I had a proper job, since I set up my business in 2014 but some of the old pushing on through habits die hard. It’s taken me the privilege of getting into my 50s to realise that there is no cavalry coming to save me, tell me to eat my greens, take a day off, put that phone down and go for a walk, stop watching Netflix and go to bed.

I show up for myself by getting into my diary and making sure I book my friends in, that I show up on the yoga mat on a Friday morning at 10 am, that I get the shopping sorted so that we’ve got some healthy meal choices in the fridge and to get off this chair every now and then, have a stretch and go and sniff the flowers once in a while. ?The occasional singing workshop, reading a good book, hanging out with the kids, painting a painting, having a dinner out with my love, a swim, a sunny walk, a very occasional weekend away all add up to a life being well lived.

So I ask you the question again, in the face of it all, all the showing up for family, older parents, your teens about to sit exams, your best friend having another crisis, your sister that needs you to walk the dog, your teams and helping them manage the pressure, how are you showing up for yourself ?

?And if you are not, if you can’t remember the last time you did something just for you. Then get your diary out and have a look at the next time you can book a date with yourself in. A reading a book under a blankie date, a walk in the fresh air somewhere new date, a trip to the garden centre date, an afternoon cinema trip date, a date with a nail salon, a date with a mate, a date with that fancy gym you pay for but hardly ever visit, or a date with (insert your date of choice here!)

Let me know how you are planning to show up for yourself this weekend, next week, next month...........