How you respond matters

Two days earlier, a colleague walked up to me and said he had some feedback on the campaign we were running. Exactly what I thought we wanted. And yet, I could sense my body bracing itself to defend the campaign (myself?).

"During the initial phase of the campaign, we should consider allocating more time."

"That means they don't know how to do it", I didn't even let him finish. I had rushed to judgement.

In all the campaign related correspondence, we asked for feedback. And yet.

Some months earlier, after my daughter settled down excitedly in her new room at the summer camp hostel, her first thought was to look for her phone (teens don't surprise you here). She wanted to send photographs to her mother.

"I can't find my phone"

"You must have left it at the restaurant". ?I had't even looked up from my phone. I had judged without any hesitation. And I didn't even feel I'd done anything wrong. She should have been more responsible!

Months earlier, while at work, I looked up from my seat to see my manager walking towards me in his characteristic short brisk strides. He beckoned me as soon as he caught my eye. I followed him into the meeting room. Just as I was entering, our director, who had just exited the room, asked me 'why so serious'! It was then that i realised my expresion must have betrayed me. My body sensed what was going to happen before my mind did. But I was unaware until much later. Our bodies usually send us signals.

I got the signal then. I had reflected on it and decided I would listen to my body. I would stop reacting judgementally. But I got this signal again two days earlier. I knew I shouldn't judge. I didn’t want to judge. And yet.

In the meeting room, my manager gave me feedback on how upset he was that my shoddy incomplete work embarrassed him in the meeting. And as soon as I heard that, my mind was racing to find excuses. I was judging myself. Why did I take leave the week before? Why did I not check earlier? And then boldly even judging my manager. Why couldn't he have checked earlier.

Judging comes naturally to us. It is our survival mechanism. A remnant of our ancestors who had to judge quickly either to make flight or take up a fight. We've evolved from those times when our life and death decisions had to be made in spilt seconds. We don't find ourselves in such situation as often. Or rarely. We live in houses now. We fight in meeting rooms.

And yet that instinct kicks in.

It usually kicks in when someone is giving us feedback or when someone is doing things differently from the way you would. Or someone brings us unexpected (bad) news.

Whether it be my colleague, my daughter or my manager, I went judgmental. Default state! Immediately. I was either fighting or fleeing. I wasn't learning. Marilee Adams says that fight and flight is survival more; not learning. We don't just need to survive; we need to thrive. And for this, we need to learn, not judge.

Do we then have a choice?

Marilee Adams in her book Change your questions, Change your life says

“We all have a choice at every movement to either learn or judge.”

(I have not settled the argument of choice and free will with myself and so I'll leave it be and agree that we all have choices) :-)

When I was onboard, and the stores supplied were of poor quality, one of my first thoughts was "It is always like this only. They (office) just want to save money". That was instinctive. Natural. It was more difficult for me to think: "Let me talk to the superintendent and tell him about the quality. Maybe he doesn't know. We could find some way to get better stores".

As a superintendent whenever something happened onboard, a thought that came naturally to me was "During my time onboard, I used to ensure everyone completed the checklists properly. And nowadays (when I am the office guy) the officers onboard are so casual. They only want to bide their time onboard and sign off". That again was natural. Came very easily. The real challenge was to ask myself (think) "What may have made it difficult for them. Let me try and understand". It is easier for me to assume that "they" don't know anything and that I had always done it right and I just know how to get that done. And when we judge, we often find people around us who validate us. "Yeah, what to do, our time was different. Nowadays the training itself is not good.... ". It makes us strengthen our held views.

Judging is often against a standard. And often that standard is the "perfect" me: the way I think and the way I act. These other people……

Judging comes easy. Learning not so much. Learning needs effort, deliberate effort. When we judge it leaves us with fewer choices. It also leaves our relationships more fragile. When we get judgmental it is usually about someone (including yourself) having done something and it is about the past.

I want to remind mysef that the next time when I have a choice, I will choose Learning questions; not Judging questions?

Questions drive our thoughts. And our actions. If we are purposeful with our questions, we can change actions.?Our body usually sends us signals. We just need to listen. Our breath, our heart rate, our gut. If these are out of our control, maybe it is not be the best time to speak.

When we catch yourself saying " … but we never did it this way", we are comparing against a standard. That is judging. When we catch ourself judging, slow down and see if we can make a learner choice. “What makes it difficult for them”. What pressures, conflicts and constraints are influencing their situation. ?How can I help? ?“Why did you take so long do this job” is judgmental. “What made the work difficult for you” is a learning choice.

We have a choice: to either judge or learn. When we chose to learn, we have more options. Our possibilities expand. We build stronger relationships.?

References:

Adams, Marilee: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, 4th Edition: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Results

https://authentictalent.be/tools/the-choice-map-by-dr-marilee-adams/