How Are You Doing?

How are you doing?

Fine? Okay?

Maybe today, you’re even doing “good.”

Take a moment to think about how many times you’ve asked or answered this question on autopilot. Most of us respond with a quick “fine” without a second thought. We might not even know the person we’re exchanging this with, but we’re going through the motions. It’s polite, part of the social script. We want to look connected, fit in, and maybe even show a bit of kindness—but do these reasons add substance to the action? Not quite.

I remember one job in particular where employees shuffled back and forth through a narrow hallway to reach our desks. Every day, this corridor became a breeding ground for those rote exchanges, with quick “how are you’s” and “good, thanks” barely punctuating the hustle. It was a big office, and we’d pass by each other with these half-hearted gestures of connection, sometimes without even knowing each other’s names.

But what if I told you that these little interactions might be disconnecting us from our true selves? Deep down, we know that what we’re giving and receiving in those moments is a shallow imitation of the real connection we crave. That gap—between what we know connection can be and what we experience—isn’t just superficial; it actually weighs on us more than we realize.

So, before you read further, I challenge you: stop, close your eyes, take three deep breaths, and sit with that uncomfortable truth for a moment. Recognize how unsatisfying it feels. That’s the first step toward making a change.

The Problem with How Are You Doing?

The question “How are you doing?” is, on its own, one of the worst questions we could ask ourselves—or anyone else. Tony Robbins once said, “The quality of your life reflects the quality of your questions.” To change your life, change the questions you ask.

This question, How are you doing?, focuses on doing, implying that the state of our life is defined by our actions. But doing is only a reflection of who we are; it’s our being that ultimately shapes what we do. Our actions are manifestations of our inner state, not the other way around.

Performance Is an Identity, Not an Action

As a recovering workaholic and high achiever, I’ve spent countless hours studying peak performance. I’ve tried every brain hack, supplement, tool, and shortcut to help me reach a state of flow. My wife could probably tell you about the three or four brain-scanning devices I’ve experimented with in my quest for better performance.

But here’s what I’ve learned: if you focus solely on doing something to perform well, you’re setting yourself up for failure. True peak performance isn’t something we do; it’s something we are. It’s an identity. And paradoxically, achieving it often requires us to detach from outcomes. If your drive to perform is rooted in the desire for a trophy or external validation, you won’t find true fulfillment in the process.

Consider Tom Brady, seven-time Super Bowl champion. You might assume he was driven by the roar of the crowd or the trophies, but listen to his interviews, and you’ll hear a different story. Brady never says he wanted to win seven Super Bowls or be famous. He speaks of wanting to be the best. He was driven to prove, first to himself, that he could be the best quarterback in history. His motivation was internal, his satisfaction coming from the validation he found within, and the external outcomes followed naturally.

The same goes for legends like Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and Vince Young. One of my favorite examples is from Young, who, after leading UT to a stunning victory in the 2005 national championship, was asked about his motivation. His response? “Coach told me to remember back to peewee days and just go have fun.” In that moment, he wasn’t focused on the outcome; he was simply embodying the joy of his identity as a player.

Peak Performance Is About Being

Peak performance is an identity, a state of being. It’s a concept Aristotle expressed centuries ago: “Excellence is a habit.” This truth has withstood the test of time, and it’s one we can all embody.

So, take another deep breath, close your eyes, and let yourself sit in this truth for a moment. And yes, it might feel uncomfortable. If you’re anything like me, you may be asking yourself: What is an identity worth without a purpose?

Defining Purpose

As awe-inspiring as trophies and hall-of-fame titles may be, what is their true value? If we’re performing just for temporary rewards, are we sacrificing genuine fulfillment for the illusions of success in this world?

Desire itself isn’t bad, but it becomes truly meaningful only when it aligns with a noble purpose. And that’s something we’ll explore next time.

For now, I encourage you to break free from How are you doing? Try asking, How is your being? You might sound a little weird, and that’s okay. Embrace it. Go beyond the surface. Be the one who digs deeper. Because that’s where true connection—and true fulfillment—begins.