"How are you?"

This is the question that I get asked a lot at the moment and it is a question that I have come to fear. To be brutally honest I am also guilty of asking this question far too often as well.

With recent events occurring in our lives at home and time for considerable inward reflection, I know that I want to try to change my behaviour. Not only in asking this question but also in how I answer when asked. But it can be often far too hard to be that honest with myself.

So, here I am trying to put into words exactly why we ask these questions and I try to formulate and communicate my plan of how I stop this action myself. I am not a mental health first aider or a psychologist - it is just my ramblings so be honest with me about your thoughts... "I'll be fine..!"

What I am definitely not saying is that we should stop caring about those around us. I have huge empathy for family, friends and co-workers and that will never change. I have asked "How are you?" to all these people and have always done that genuinely. I ask this question with an undercurrent of "How can I help?". I genuinely want to open dialogues about people's feelings and they should never be trivalised. This is not what this article is about. It is about framing a question, listening to responses and acting accordingly.

The question.

Recently I have been saying "I am ok!" or "Not bad, thanks!" or just plain old "I am fine". These responses are usually followed up with a "How are you?" even if I have asked already. Is this because I am afraid of the answer? Or am I shifting the perspective away from me? Because if you look too closely you will then see that I am not actually ok.

In reality, the answer I have been giving could be more accurately mapped to one or more of the following emotions or states of mind (taken from @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e):

• "I am struggling right now.."
• "Things aren't going well.."
• "I am in a bad place.."
• "I am not doing so great.."
• "Life feels a lot at the moment.."
• "I am feeling really low.."
• "I don't know what to do.."
• "I can't handle this on my own.."
• "I am actually overwhelmed right now.."

I am guilty of being unable to be honest with myself. Could you honestly reflect on the way that you feel and if you ever felt like any of the above and not simply just said "I am fine!"?

What I believe harms your mental well-being more than just feeling like any of these things is the negative connotations that are associated and how they are seen to be signs of weakness.

It also feels almost preprogrammed into humans to want to resolve issues for other people or 'to fix' these feelings. Dare I say that we may also try to relate and share our experiences to align with these thoughts and what 'worked' for us?

None of these things are wrong but in reality, they are also not helpful.

A bit like the phrase that I added far to much reverence to myself:

The more I attach my thinking and processing of my mental well-being today the more it feels hollow. Inconsiderate, maybe. I feel that it is definitely belittling.

I am not going to stand here and say that it is wrong to say it. To try to show concern or a shared connection. Of course, I am not, but what it doesn't do is address what your mental state of mind is and how others can help and yes I also understand that sometimes leaving people alone is helping.

But, what if our responses could be:

• "Do you want to talk..?"
• "Do you need any help with anything..?"
• "Do you want any advice..?"
• "Do you need me to stay with you a while..?"
• "Do you need a distraction..?"
• "Do you just need a friend..?"
• "Do you need some time alone..?"

You might need to ask more than one of these questions to open some dialogue. Be aware that you might not get an answer at all. You certainly might not get the answer you were thinking.

Sometimes all that is needed is someone to look you in the eye, hug you and tell you 'I know you are not!'.

My answer.

What if I could say some of these things more openly? Scrub that. What if I started saying some of these phrases instead of 'I am fine..'?

Is it harmful to be that honest with myself? Does it open me up to questioning my strength and reliability or even my leadership capabilities?

Would others know what to say or how to react?

What if I said that I was firmly in the "Life feels a lot.." camp whilst I sat here and wrote this article?

Or that this morning, whilst I had 5 minutes to myself and I was at the doctor for blood tests and I honestly said that I was in the "I am actually overwhelmed right now.." camp.

Would that make people worry? Would it be easier to say "I am good thanks, how are you?"

I am honestly going to try to fix my answer. From now on I am not going to say 'I am fine..!' I am going to try to change my standpoint and use language that might feel out of reach or out of my comfort zone right now and say:

"I am actually overwhelmed, right now. But I am getting better day by day."

For those who know me - keep me honest. Don't let me slip into bad habits and maybe try it for yourself and see what effect it has on you, your friendships and your mental health.

Be kind. Take care. Look out for one another.

Mental health.

There is nothing wrong with not being ok and whether people around you show it, stressing mental health genuinely happens to everyone. The difference is that not everyone has a strategy to deal with it.

Please don't suffer in silence.

Many workplaces offer independant institutions where you can speak to someone. If they don't, there are many fantastic charities and other organisations out there that can help and you can connect to local organisations through websites like the Hub of Hope.

Please seek help if and when you can. I know that the first step can often feel like the hardest.