How NOT to Write a Sick Leave Message

When it comes to writing a sick leave message, some people seem to think it's the perfect opportunity to showcase their creative writing skills. While that’s charming, the last thing your manager wants to read an epic of how you “How you didn't even drink the tap water on your Bali trip, but succumbed at the eleventh hour.” If this is you, you're probably the are one of those people who clap when a plane lands.

So, if you're keen to make an impression (the wrong kind), here’s a foolproof guide on how not to write a sick leave message...

1. Make the Subject Line as Pointless as Possible

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you threw professionalism out the window, here’s your chance. Forget “Sick Leave” and instead go with something that’ll make your boss roll their eyes so hard they’ll sprain something:

“If you are reading this, then I may have already perished.”

Why stop at being concise when you can send your boss into an existential crisis before they even open the email?

2. Turn Your Illness into a Full-Blown Tragedy

You’re not just ill. Oh no, this is the beginning of your tragic hero arc. Really ham it up, so your boss knows you’re suffering. I mean, sure, you’ve got a cold, but that’s hardly going to stop you from turning it into a monologue, is it?

"Hi Robert Richardson , I regret to inform you that I am currently fighting a plague that may or may not have been sent by a higher power. I awoke at 6:03 AM, drenched in sweat like I’d tried to run a marathon, but the only thing I’ve run from is this relentless virus. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a bag of nails, and my head—well, let’s just say if there’s a drum kit in hell, it’s in my skull."

You’re not just ill. You’re basically on your deathbed, and it’s important everyone knows.

3. Attach a Photo, Because Why Not?

If there’s one thing a sick leave message needs, it’s proof. What better way to do that than with a selfie where you look like you’ve been hit by a bus? Attach it with pride—because nothing says “professional” quite like a close-up of your face dripping with misery and Sudafed.

"P.S. Back here again guys, should be fine tomorrow though." (It's a Friday)

Because if there’s anything your boss wants in their inbox, it’s your deathly face staring back at them.

4. Blame Something Ridiculous for Your Illness

No one cares that you caught a regular cold. That’s boring. If you really want to stand out, blame your sickness on something absurd. A great way to deflect any responsibility is to throw some form of animal or suspicious food under the bus.

"Hi James Farrey , turns out a litre of gone off milk followed by last week's fish curry for dinner was a bad choice. It could also be that I’m allergic to my new cat—who, by the way, is now plotting to end me."

If you’re going to call in sick, at least make it sound like a subplot from Tiger King.

6. Offer to Work (Even Though You Clearly Shouldn’t)

Nothing says “I’m a team player” like pretending you’ll still be productive while you’re coughing up what remains of your lungs. Go ahead, reassure your boss you’ll be available for work, even though you’ll be horizontal on your sofa binge-watching terrible Netflix series all day.

"Hey Dominic Elliott , I’m really unwell, but I’ll still try to answer emails between bouts of unconsciousness and hallucinations. If you need me, I’ll be in and out of a fever dream from 1 to 3 PM, but I’ll try to join the Zoom call if I haven't gone to the other side."

You won’t. But points for effort.

7. Involve Everyone in Your Suffering

Why let just your boss know? Sick leave messages are for everyone! CC the entire company. Include the marketing team, finance, maybe even that intern who started two days ago. After all, it’s important that everyone knows you’ve been struck down.

"Hi all, Just a quick note to let the entire office know I won’t be in today. Don’t worry, I’ve only got what feels like the Black Death. I’ll keep you posted on my recovery, but if anyone fancies taking over my work in the meantime, let me know."

Now the entire office can bask in the knowledge of your illness. You’re not just ill, you’re a martyr.

Basically, Don’t Be That Person

Look, we all know someone who takes being off sick as a chance to write their magnum opus, but don’t be that person. The ideal sick leave message is short, professional, and doesn’t involve any photos or tales of your latest heroic battle with a runny nose.

But if you must go all in, then go big. Just don’t expect anyone to take you seriously ever again.

"Hi Ciaran O'Donnell , I'm feeling a bit under the weather, won’t be in today. Hope to be back tomorrow."

Boring, sure. But sometimes boring is better. Just like Sam Norris

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