How To Write Sales Emails That Convert (A Review)

This week, a client shared another great example of a poor sales email. Given that it's Friday, let's rip it apart, shall we?

Here is the first email in question with some details retracted (so I don't get sued).

NB - I've provided how I would write this email at the end of the article.

Consider when you send your emails

This is subjective, but typically sending any email on a Monday first thing is a bad idea given the individual's inbox has had at least two days to pile up.

While sending it at 8:01am may get you to the top of the inbox initially, Carl Newport writes in his book A World without Email that the larger numeric notification within an inbox provokes anxiety and mass deletion.

When is a good time to send a sales email?

Much research has been conducted on this and technically, Olivia ain't wrong. However, demographic, geographic, time of year, and time of financial year all play a part.

For me, I consider when my audience is most likely to be in a good mood. Friday afternoons are no good, they just want to go to the pub. But Thursday lunch, that's got more legs.

I have a good think about the type of person and what they might be dealing with this week. I ask myself, when will they be in a good mood?

Spend hours on your subject lines

Olivia's subject line is a shocker. It doesn't tell me anything, it doesn't invoke curiosity, it doesn't feel personal to me, and it's grammatically incorrect.

She had my client's first name because she addressed him in the body email, but chose the business name within the subject - bad call.

“A person's name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” – Dale Carnegie

At an agency I worked at in the UK, clients would pay our marketing team top dollar to spend days curating a subject line. We'd research demographics, keywords, and make about 100 versions of the same five word line until we landed on the best. It was the difference between a few opens, and millions of dollars in revenue.

You don't need to go this far, but you do need to spend the most effort on your subject line than any other aspect of the email.

Thinking about how an email looks in an inbox. Are emojis appropriate? How many characters could you fit before it cuts off? Here is my inbox, which by example, offers approximately five words.

The more you generalise, the more you lose them

Olivia is offering us something, I just don't know what it is.

She doesn't get to the point until the last paragraph. This is a fatal flaw. So how would we resculp this?

Those business names are great, numbers are great, being in the top 3 of an imagery pool of applicants is great. Starting with this in the first line would have sparked my curiosity. Here's how Olivia should have done it:

Hi John,

Over 55 finance executives from businesses like Toyota, Amazon and PepsiCo are looking for support in key areas [their business*] can support in. They’re relying on our company, [Your business - linked],? to introduce you both. Your business is so suited to them, we believe only two others come close.

I, we, me, our...

I've highlighted how many times Olivia focuses on herself (yellow), and how many times it's relevant to my client (green). The focus on my client only occurs twice.

Her "CFO Group" seem to have a lot riding on this and it's down to her to nail it. That much is clear. And it comes across that if Olivia gets my client's time, she will win, not my client.

Every time you go to write I, me, we, our in an email, consider how you can pivot this to focus on the recipient. Focus on them.

Here's how she could have reworded some phrases:

I'm just reaching out on behalf of our CFO Group ?? You and [their business name] are being talked about by [my business name]'s CFO Group.

I wanted to connect with you first before my GM makes any recommendations to our committee... ?? It may be valuable for you to chat with me first so we can get you in front of the GM soon.

Ultimately, we'll be submitting three to four companies to this committee... ?? Your company would make the perfect submission to impress our committee...

Use how and what questions

In the book Never Split The Difference, Chris Voss explores how a yes or no focused question can kill any conversation or negotiation within seconds. You're handing your lead a quick way out.

By simply changing your question to a how or what, you give the recipient no choice but to respond. And in an email context, that should be your only objective, for them to respond.

Some ways Olivia could have reworded her summary question would be:

How can you and I work together to talk to someone like Amazon, John?

What else would make this too good to turn down, John?

Provide your game changer statement, then back it up

Regularly seen on websites are statements like "we're changing the game on time management" or "get more secure access to [something]" but rarely backed up with any evidence to how they do this.

Emails are often the same. In Olivia's, there is no tangible evidence that what she is offering is legitimate.

One way you can combat this is with links (which were completely absent in this email - there wasn’t even a web address in her signature). Links allow you to claim a bold statement in the email, then back it up via a tracked link to a webpage.

Pfft! Keep your 'kind regards' to yourself

We're not writing letters delivered by pigeons. We're writing emails from people, to people and most people know that you're not sincerely theirs. With every word you decide to put in your email, you're using precious real estate.

Kind regards, Best, Thank you, Cheers, Yours, are all generic terms that don't prompt action.

Let me know when is best to talk

Look forward to hearing from you

Talk soon / hear from you soon

These are action statements, they prompt the recipient to act.

The second email

Standard practice is to send a follow up email. You know the ones, "just checking you read my email?" And sure enough, three days later, Olivia did just that.

"I wanted to quickly follow-up" is another way to really drive home that even three days later, the recipient is still not priority here. This is then reaffirmed with "the needs of our clients" statement.

How never to be ignored again

"A "no"-orientated question...plays on your counterpart's natural human aversion to loss", says Chris Voss.

Have you given up on this opportunity?

Whilst this approach can come across as rude, it's time to get over this and show credibility and stance on the value of your offer.

In your second email, ask yourself, I know this offer is amazing, so how do I convince this person of that?

One technique is to do what you do to your kids, and leave. "Fine, I'm leaving" is a great way to terrify the children into obeying after their initial rebuke. Adults aren’t too dissimilar, we don’t like to be left behind.

@Gmail - stop it! Bad salesman!

The most annoying thing to me in the entirety of sales and marketing? Email addresses that have @gmail (or similar generic provider) on the end of them.?

This business has clearly outsourced to Olivia’s agency, but not providing her a branded email domain is tacky, spammy, and lazy.?

Just don’t do it people.

Olivia, if you’re reading this, don’t take it personally. I only provide this advice out of many years of trial and serious errors.?

I look forward to you selling me something amazing soon.

* * *

Here is my version of the same email

Do you agree? Is there anything you would add? What examples of bad sales emails do you have? Chuck them in the comments.

Key: Acme Co = your business, Org Ltd = their business

Hi John,

Over 55 finance executives from businesses like Toyota, Amazon and PepsiCo are looking for support in key areas Org Ltd can support in. They’re relying on our company, Acme Co,? to source and arrange introductions.?

This same program was successfully run last year for enterprises of similar scale. Here is a 3-min blog on the outcome: www.blog.com

The agile and reputable nature of Org Ltd appears so suited to them, we believe only two others come close.

How does a 10-minute chat, Thursday at 3pm sound to go over this, John? (Here is a link to find a time).

Hear from you soon,

Ollie

[Full email signature with phone number and link to website - all tracked so I can see the success of the email]