How to write rubbish LinkedIn posts

Q. Hi Li- Tim, I have no idea what to post on LinkedIn, what do I do?

A.

Lost for words but still have an urge to put them out there?

Look at you.

You’ll do anything for those luscious likes.

Those coy comments.

And sensual shares.?

*shudders*

It’s enough to make my line graph shoot along the X and up the Y.?

If you know what I mean.

I will share my tips, wisdom and insights into how to make sure that what you post on Linkedin, is still utter nonsense.?

I’m not being paid to do it, so you need to pay your ‘thankful taxes’ and name your next pet after me or something.?

Remember your target audience

Click home on LinkedIn and look at the name under your tastefully cropped holiday/bar photo.

It’s your name.

It’s also the answer to the question below.

“Who should you think about first in every post you make?”

If your post isn’t scratching your ego, what’s the point in posting it??

It’s your post, isn’t it?

Likes = Happy

The reader doesn’t give a shit, and they’re all certainly too stupid to write anything themselves aren’t they? You’re doing people a favour by posting, so don’t worry about “content” or “purpose” too much.?

Everyone is grateful to have something to read.?

Your job is to be seen more than anyone else. That’s how you win.?

Still from the #timfluencer tour of 2019.

Be original

Haha, kidding, originality is dead. We have dictionaries full of every word you will ever say.?

Don’t worry.?

Be second. But be louder.?

Look at posts people are putting up that do well.

Do they inspire you?

Are thoughts, emotions and debate stirred up from these?

Perfect.

Repost that bad boy and you’re well on your way to free likes.?

Congratulations, you’re an influencer with no work, research or clue.

It’s literally as easy as that.?

Oh, and block the original poster so they can’t call you out.

Credit is for losers who can’t afford a car.?

Pictured: The bad boy.

Speling and profrading

Do you use autocorect? Lmao get out nerd.?

Winners dont have time to profread or focus on correcting any errorss theymake when typing fast. If anyone points it out call them out for what they are

A grammar naiz.?

Your too busy wining Linkedin, hearts and minds.?

I really wish my mum would stop texting me.

Measure your di- Performance.?

If you’re a marketing executive reading this, my condolences. This is going to be a really hard post to reword and repurpose.?

Remember, you have to make sure that whatever you post will get likes. Otherwise, the head honchos (or grand fromages as the french say) will figure out this bloody brilliant con we’re running.?

We can’t let them find out that social media engagement is only good for pretty graphs.?

So, to keep them off the scent, measure success with how many of your colleagues like the post.

Can’t be fired if the boss liked it can you?

I love hard work, I could avoid it for hours.?

Assert your superiority?

But what if all else fails, you can’t think of anything easy to say or steal, but you still need the great unwashed to pay tribute to you?

Bloody remind them who is #mommabear.

Can THEY get up at 5am to sell aloe vera products?

Do THEY buy themselves a new car with their easily attainable and realistic OTE?

Will THEY find the hot singles in their area?

Of course, they can’t they’re NPCs in your life.?

Tell them how insignificant and rubbish they are under the guise of “motivation”, it’s only natural those at the bottom should look up.?

Why not you?

Because honestly.

Who REALLY cares about the reader?

Follow my advice, and you can’t go wrong.*

*“Are you for real”

Of course not.?