How would you respond to this promotional pitch?

How would you respond to this promotional pitch?

A new, streamlined search experience will make it much easier to surface the people, events, groups and content you want, while helping you reach beyond your immediate network.

As someone who detests corporate speak/government speak in all its forms, and as a passionate scuba diver, I had the following reaction/thoughts.

1. Bubbles rise to the surface and it's a good thing that they do when you are a scuba diver as it generally means you're alive if they are small streams of bubbles.
2. That said, there's a simple rule in scuba diving: you should never ascend faster than your bubbles. If you do you're likely to suffer a whole range of problems.
3. Bubbles 'surface' in water as the 'air' in them expands the closer they get to the, well, surface of the ocean/pool. There's nothing inherently more interesting, dynamic, of value in a bubble that, well, just surfaces. That's what they do.

In short, the use of the phrase 'to surface' in this sentence is pretty meaningless IF it's really meant as an analogy to describe working out who your target audience is, potential leads are, who to to select to engage with whatever the platform you're working with just say it.

Personally, I don't want to 'surface' anyone. I've had to actually surface several scuba buddies over my 30 years of diving and each one has been seriously challenging. Essentially, if your scuba buddy has a problem, it's your responsibility to do what ever you can to get them to the surface alive and, of course, yourself.

I also recall the one and only time my buddy helped/saved me. We were diving at 20 metres enjoying the soft corals and fish and then there was an explosion. The explosion was my air hose that had 'popped' meaning a) I had no air and b) I was about to shoot up 20 metres in rapid time. My buddy, the scuba instructor, simply grabbed me with one hand and held on to a rock with the other while at the same time turning me to look at him then pointing me to hold on to the same rock, which I did...with now no air!

With his now free hand he took his spare 'occy' and passed it to me...I was now breathing from his tank, while he turned mine off, thus stopping me from surfacing at a rate of knots that wasn't going to end well.

All of this occurred within a 10-second timeframe.

Over the years I've returned the favour to a number of 'buddies' I've dived with.

Beware the bad analogy

I love analogies, I use them all the time. I am not sure where many of them come from, I just see 'connections' and sometimes use them to help others look at something from a different perspective.

Using 'to surface' as it's been inserted into this pitch simply doesn't work as it mashes, in my view, the iceberg analogy (you know...where you only 'see' the tip of said iceberg above the surface), with a bubble surfacing. Of course, given my scuba diving passion, I perhaps have mis-read its usage....that's one of the challenges of employing the analogy construct.

So how would I rewrite this?

Here's the advice I share with my clients.

Be clear, concise and direct. There's no need to sound 'smart or clever'.

So here's how I would edit the statement.

We've created an easier, more effective way for you to identify and engage with the people, events, groups and content that are relevant to you and who will be interested in your knowledge and insights.

Let me know what you think about the 'before and after'. OR I could ask you to:

Socialise the options and surface your preferences without up-playing the options to ensure that the collective perspective is shared in a co-operative ecosystem.

Here's my email: [email protected]