"How worried should we be?"

I've become irritated and frustrated at the over use of this unhelpful question. I also want to endorse far more effective approaches to worrying less and taking action.

How many times in recent years have you heard news presenters, radio DJ's, podcasters, talk show hosts, printed press, social media outlets all asking it? Turn on morning TV in the UK (go on, I dare you!) The presenters of long repute will ask over the slightest issue "It's hot outside today, how worried should we be?" "The government say we are in crisis, how worried should we be?"

Swap any issue for another, and journalists and presenters ask the same question. And, never in the history of watching this over recent years have I yet heard a journalist respond by saying - "we shouldn't".

The economy, covid, climate change, the election, pollution in rivers, fuel prices, housing costs, mortgage rates, geopolitical tensions, socio-economic issues, food standards, water quality, the rise of one political faction or another, civil disobedience, or the extension of free speech......it matters not, journalists always focus on the level of worry we should create for ourselves.

If we thought we had passed the 'everything is a crisis' stage then this 'shall we worry' is a whole new level.

I've not yet heard a journalist respond to the question by saying - "we shouldn't"

It usually gets followed up by a comment such as "And here's why.......[insert any number of reasons that you can't individually affect] that only increase your level of anxiousness and feeling of helplessness.

As a question, it's designed to allow for 'expert' analysis on whether or not a situation warrants further significant public concern, or if it is being overblown.

I argue that all it does is serve to increase anxiety, make people feel unsafe and the world less friendly. It generates fear, causes divisions and yes, makes us worry more!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

"We need to be informed" - yes we do. But journalists and commentators don't need to start a conversation by telling us that we should be worried. There is a difference between being informed and telling us we should worry. Let us decide ourselves how much we want to invest our mental energy into debating and considering an issue we probably have minimal to no control or influence over.

"We need to be prepared" - yes, advance planning can help mitigate the potential foreseeable risks. But we cannot affect everything. Our brain does not have the scope to take on everyone else's issues. We have not been designed to absorb billions of pieces of news that we cannot filter out. Let me decide what I want to prepare for.

"We need to be educated about [insert issue]" - yes, but if you were really interested you would be researching it without the news outlets telling you that you should be worried by it. Maybe if you did your own research you would come up with a different conclusion.

"We want as humans to be able to have control" - as my daughter puts it 'I'm on a giant rock, spinning through orbit, just how much can I control?' Control is an illusion, if you are so wanting control why are you allowing others to tell you what to worry about? You cannot control everything.

"We should be worried, these issues are important" - says who? How many other issues could have replaced the ones you saw in the media. Who are they important to; you? To others? A politician, Someone with an agenda? To everyone? Can you control or influence them all? Pick what you think is important and focus on that and that alone. Don't buy in to what someone else tells you that you should worry about. Let that be their worry.

What narrative is guiding you?

The news is a narrative. An editor decides what they think is newsworthy for you. Then the journalist asks the question...."How worried should we be?" Whether it is based on current affairs, a political situation, human nature, science, tech, the subjects of what you see and digest are chosen for you, if you watch news channels.

The same as when you select what to allow into your social media feeds. We can highly personalise what we want to see. Our social networks use their algorithms to show us what it thinks we want to see, and so our echo chambers grow where we only see one side of an argument or issue; limiting the diversity of our perspectives - and we could debate this forever by the way!

Another narrative is that which we develop internally, based on our experiences, our upbringing, the influence of others, the absorption of other people's narratives, such as the news!

But take worry and fear to a base level. Ask yourself this question,

"What thoughts have I told myself, that I can't prove are true, that have held me back in my life?"

If I have fears or worries they relate to things directly around me. My fears have in the past driven and dictated the things I have done and not done in life. Driven by what my parents told me was good or bad, dangerous or safe. "don't bring shame on this family" was a favourite of my mum's, or "don't you go embarrassing yourself." If she was on LinkedIn she'd be shaking with shock now saying 'oh my goodness I can't believe you've put that on there! I don't want people knowing my business" (Why? Because it brings embarrassment and shame! - Apparently.....)

This became my biggest fear, the judgement of others.

I avoided trying a new thing in case I caused embarrassment. I never spoke out when I could have to avoid embarrassment. I question, shall I write a thought piece or not, what will everyone think of my arguments?

But we have to challenge back the narratives we build for ourselves. In neuro-linguistic practice we may call them limiting beliefs or scripts, but whatever we think of our fears, if they are not challenged and confronted, they can and will hold us back.

Ask Why - repeatedly!

Have a go at this. Present your worst fear to yourself. Write it down.

Then ask 'why does this scare me?' After you note down your answer ask again 'And why does this scare me?' Do it again until until you reach 3-5 times of asking. You'll reach your primal fear very quickly. Can it be that simple and easy to uncover some of the things that are making you 'worried' and therefore driving your decision making? YES!

Look at the graphic below. So now we know what is happening, how about we learn to do something about it.

Solve for Happy - Mo Gawdat

In his best selling book, Solve for Happy Mo highlights a staged process for managing fear. He calls fear one of our grand illusions. In fact he calls it 'the granddaddy of all illusions, as it controls all others' (Solve for Happy p159 onwards, M Gawdat 2017.) The other illusions being thought, self, knowledge, time and control. (Read the book more than once, I guarantee you will love it).

In Chapter 8 he describes fear in detail and suggests plans for how we can overcome them.

His questions are listed below and I've placed them in an easy to read diagram. When you use these questions as a self-coaching tool, or with another person, you start to realise just how simple breaking free from fear actually is.

I'd also direct people to the work of Lou Carter at Rising Vibe on this. The Rising Vibe self-coaching framework is a superb method for dealing with the fear of social pain. Besides the language used in both models, keeping it real, keeping it simple and tackling our fear head on is what both have in common.

Practice, practice, practice - every time you find you are holding yourself back, take yourself through this process.

Don't take on someone else's fear or narrative

We have enough fears of our own.

It might be heights, feeling embarrassed, public speaking, doing karaoke at the office party, not believing your voice counts in a meeting, being ridiculed, being judged by others, feeling left out, being alone....so why take on the worries of the world and a media driven by telling you what else to be worried about.

Educate yourself on issues that are important to you, but remember, they may become your worries, interests, concerns and not everyone else's. So don't impose them on others.

Share your new knowledge with others, but don't feel that they have to accept what you find important.

And next time you hear "How worried should we be?" Smile and say

'We' shouldn't; but 'you' may choose to be. (and then change channel )

We'd love to know your thoughts, and for the resources mentioned, click on the respective links to some truly awesome people.