HOW TO WORK WITH PEOPLE YOU CAN'T STAND

Before we dive into how to work with people that drive you absolutely crazy, I think it’s important to distinguish the difference between people you can’t stand and people who are abusive. No one should feel that they’re required to accept abuse ever, anywhere, for any reason. I’ve coached a staggering amount of clients who have spent their careers raising their tolerance as a strategy to manage abusive behavior. It never stops the abuse and always damages the confidence, self-worth, and potential of the victim. That said, there are plenty of intolerable people who aren’t abusive that you need to figure out how to manage without going bananas. 

It might be a client, a colleague, a boss or someone you supervise. They may even do their job well but at the end of every interaction, you’re nursing a dime sized whole in your cheek from biting your way through the encounter. You may also find yourself complaining about this person to friends, your partner or anyone who will lend a sympathetic ear. You may often find yourself daydreaming about this person quitting and how much better your life would be if they left. 

Difficult people can make it challenging to function as our best and highest selves. Have you noticed that your communication might be clipped, cold or edging on rude with your difficult human? It doesn’t feel good to respond this way and it’s not good for you or the person you’re struggling to work with. The good news is that there are some things you can do to improve your interactions, be less reactive, and behave in a way that doesn’t compromise your professionalism. 

There are all kinds of people that might push your buttons. There are those who seem to need to one up everyone for everything all of the time. If you say you spilled your coffee, they’re sure to tell a story about a time they spilled their coffee and were taken to the emergency room. There are also the contrarians who will find a reason to have an opposing position to absolutely any thought, opinion, or idea you may have. It’s as if they’re getting paid to hold an opposing viewpoint and they're getting richer by the minute. 

And of course there are the complainers who can find a problem with everything. They’re uniquely gifted at catastrophizing and finding ways to spread their negativity like a super virus. If you announce a new million dollar client, they want you to know how unprepared you are to serve them. They’re also sure to express why there’re no solutions to any of the challenges you face as an organization, team, or individual. They will tell you that they’ve tried every single suggestion you might make and like to open sentences with, “here’s the problem with that.” 

There are far too many archetypes to name. The perpetually exhausted, the crisis king and drama queen. We could go on and on and on, but the truth is that the personality challenge doesn’t matter that much. It’s how you choose to respond to these charmers.

 The first thing you need to know about your difficult human is that their responses have absolutely nothing to do with you. You are not special to this human. This behavior is expressed equally to everyone. 

The good news is that you aren’t utterly powerless and there are things you can do to make your life much less unpleasant. Let me warn you in advance. None of these things are easy. 

1. Try compassion.

After a leaving a meeting with a particularly challenging human, a colleague asked me how I can be so patient. I explained that everytime I look at this human, I just see someone who is broken in a way I cannot see and desperately wants to be loved. There’s a story I don’t know but I do know that beneath every maddening comment all I hear is, “love me, love me, love me.” 

I work really hard to remember that when we express the worst of ourselves, we’re revealing a wound. This awareness makes me more compassionate and patient. Do I always remember this? Nope. I’m human and I get frustrated, but compassion is my highest goal.

2. Choose your attitude.

I hate to break it to you but no one controls your emotions. That’s your work and your decision. You don’t have to take on someone’s negative attitude or react in anger. What if you starved the beast and refused to be pulled down? 

You can’t change people, but you can change your reaction. I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy work. It isn’t. It requires self-awareness and self-control. We’re all responsible for how we engage and part of being human is understanding our own power. You have the power not to react.

3. Breathe.

No seriously, slow down and breathe. Anxiety, anger, and frustration reside in the body. If you can slow down and breathe before you react, the odds are pretty good that you’ll get a much better outcome. This is a good tip for difficult conversations as well. Be present and be aware of your body. You have far more control than you imagine.

4. Be kinder than you think is possible.

Don’t talk negatively about this person to others. Remember that this person is carrying a wound you cannot see. When you talk about them rather than to them, you’re engaging in a kind of socially acceptable cruelty that degrades everyone. I know this is very hard. I find it hard too. I fail a lot, but this is what I’m striving for with every human I encounter. Try it on and see how differently it makes you feel.

5. Try to have a conversation with this human.

This is the toughest thing to do and in over a decade of coaching, I can tell you that people struggle mightily to address difficult behavior. If you decide to have a conversation about the offending behavior make sure that you focus on the behavior and not the person, have the conversation privately, come to the dialogue with compassion and try to remember a time someone gave you really harsh feedback. The mere memory will help you approach the conversation with more kindness and dignity. 

You aren’t required to like everyone you work with and the world is full of difficult people. I want to reiterate that you should never, ever accept abusive behavior. That’s another animal entirely. That said, when you come across someone who pushes all of your buttons, think about how to make those buttons less red and shiny. Consider how underneath all of this human being’s frustrating behavior, there’s a person in struggle wanting to be understood just like you. Personally, I’ve never experienced a situation that wasn’t improved by more humanity, compassion, and dignity. 

Other resources on this subject you might find interesting:

How to work with people you can’t stand: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLGjfThDcZQ&t=42s

Toxic Feedback:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7mHEqE8TMM&t=127s

Authentic Leadership: https://storyimprinting.com/authentic-communication-leadership/

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