How to Work on a Marriage by Yourself

A part of my coaching practice is dedicated to serving women who are looking for support in their marriage.

Typically they are considering if their marriage is one they are able to stay in or if it's time to separate, or they have a partner who is not interested in getting professional help, and they are seeking ways to better handle the emotional toll an unhappy marriage is taking.

In most instances, they come with a lot of resentment, anger, hurt, and disappointment. This person they once thought was the "perfect" fit for them, has turned out to be an individual they can't get along with, don't want to be around, and triggers the heck out of them on a regular basis.

They feel unheard, unappreciated, neglected, and are searching for ways to become more empowered and calm during their arguments. They are looking for fulfillment, clarity and peace as they move themselves forward.

If this rings true for you, I want to share a little of the process that will help you get to a better place. Taken together, these are the steps that will help you have greater awareness for what's going on, and ultimately guide you to the end result that you feel best about.

#1. Understanding what brought you together in the first place. There is a lot of research about what attracts us to certain people, and often there are familiar dynamics we are unaware of that make a person feel like a good match. It's likely that initially your spouse was different from you in ways that you admired. In addition, the emotional imprint you formed as a couple probably mirrored what you grew up experiencing in your own home as a child growing up. At the time, you were not consciously choosing someone who made you feel the way you felt around your mother or father, but over time, those dynamics actually began to surface for you. This is something I'm often able to help my clients connect the dots on.

#2. Depersonalizing your spouse's behaviors. All of us are products of our upbringing and we are conditioned to think, and cope with emotions in specific ways. Much if your spouse's behaviors, although frustrating and sometimes hurtful to you, are not really about you. Their tendency to be defensive, or to shut down emotionally, or to get angry over little things is more a function of how they learned to respond to stress cycles. Understanding their childhood experiences, how they were treated, and how emotions were handled in their home will also be important in helping you really understand why they act the way they do. When you are able to separate their behavior from yourself, you are less triggered and judgmental of how they are being.

#3. Healing your own unmet needs. Just as your spouse has wounds from their childhood, you do as well. Even the best, well meaning parents were unable to fully meet all of your emotional needs 100% of the time. And if you experienced any additional hardships as a family, dysfunctional dynamics, or traumatic circumstances, there is a little child inside of you that is wounded, and looking for extra love, care, support, attention, acceptance, validation, and encouragement. When those wounds from childhood carry over into adulthood, a partner who doesn't meet those needs can create even deeper wounds. It feels like the tender scar from before is now being poked and stabbed in repeated interactions that don't go well.

#4. Standing for what you want. Once you have perspective on what's wounding from childhood, vs. what are your genuine relational desires and requirements, you are in a great position to articulate what you want. Many times, you can begin to doubt you wants, especially if you have a partner who tells you you're asking for too much or who dismisses your concerns. This leads to a life where you are settling for something that's not best for you. I teach you how to truly KNOW what you want and how to stand for what you want by making requests, positively influencing your partner, taking empowered action, and setting boundaries.

#5. Intentionally creating fulfillment now. You don't have to wait until your partner changes or until your circumstances change in order to have a fulfilling life. Having the right perspective on things can massively improve your day-to-day experiences. Having tools that support you in managing the emotions that come up will give you more days feeling grounded, calm, and at peace. Having a process to understand and reconnect with yourself can help you create distance from things that currently bother you. Ultimately, you'll see just how much power and control you have in a situation that can sometimes feel out of your hands.

As you read this process, what stands out to you? I'd love to know.

Spend some time this weekend thinking about where you can make the most progress.

And be sure to listen to my podcast, Love Marriage Again with Dr. Chavonne where I go more in-depth into these topics and more.

Have a beautiful weekend.

My best,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. If you are looking for help and want to learn more about how my coaching program can support you, let's talk. You can schedule a consultation call here.