How to Work With Fear

Dear Readers,

In working with clients, one of the things that often comes up is how to work with fear, which is the universal way our brains help keep us "safe" (and hold us back from living full-bodied lives by keeping us small).?

Here's an acronym I developed to help work with F.E.A.R:

F: Forgiveness

Holding onto past hurts and wrongs, and the sadness, guilt, and rage associated with them weighs us down and clouds our perceptions of the world.?

Often we are afraid to forgive since we feel it lets the perpetrator “off the hook.” But our primary responsibility is to our own wellbeing.?

Forgiveness frees us. It releases our energy to focus on all the good things we wish to invite into our lives. It also allows us in turn to forgive ourselves for the hurt we have caused to others at various points in our lives, whether intentional or not.?

Not only that, it releases us from fear of judgment, since we’re no longer keeping track of who did what, when, why, and how. We can freely engage with others and the world, without playing small to avoid criticism at all costs.?

One of my clients recently turned me on to the excellent book?The Seat of The Soul ?by Gary Zukav. In it, he acknowledges that forgiveness sometimes comes really hard if the hurt is deep. In cases like these, he says it’s enough to ask for the grace, the perception, and the elevated light to move toward it. I find this non-binary approach of ease so comforting and useful.?

E: Equanimity

This means mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in difficult situations.?

If we can practice non-reactivity, we strengthen our ability to meet life’s challenges with enough grace to respond intentionally, rather than running away or avoiding the issue. We don't allow fear to dictate hasty reactions that work against our wellbeing and harm our relationships with others.?

Jeff Warren, who does the?Daily Trip on the Calm? app, talks a lot about this concept, and does it so thoughtfully and accessibly.?

A: Abundance?

Having an abundance (vs scarcity) mindset means we lean toward faith that we will have what we need when we need it, and need not live in fear for survival.?

It is appreciation of life in its fullness, and joy and strength of mind, body and soul. It is awareness that there is enough for everyone and we can learn to give and receive with ease.

R: Release

Letting go is a skill we can practice. We can learn what we can from situations and release the details and the mental wrestling with how it "could have been." It is a constant process of welcoming in new thoughts, practices and learnings that support our wellbeing, and releasing attachment to thoughts, habits, people, and things that do not serve us.?

Fear of uncertainty and change causes us to cling, even to unhealthy situations (the known devil). Willingness to experiment and choose what works best for us takes courage.

Karen Casey’s book?Let Go Now ?and Pema Chodron’s book?Comfortable With Uncertainty ?are full of practical guidance and wisdom to help us practice this skill, and reap the benefits of peace that emerge as a result.

HERE'S A RECAP of are the ingredients for working with fear:

Forgiveness?- When we release resentments toward others, we also free ourselves. This allows us to release fear of judgment, opening us to freely engage with others and the world.

Equanimity?- Practicing non-reactivity strengthens our ability to meet life’s challenges with enough calm, composure, and evenness of temper to respond intentionally.

Abundance?- Abundance mindset is faith that we will have what we need when we need it, and need not live in fear for survival.?

Release?- We welcome in new thoughts, practices and learnings that support our wellbeing, and release attachment to thoughts, habits, people, and things that do not serve us.?

A note on the difference between fear and excitement.?

Although our bodies signal fear and excitement in similar ways, they are actually quite different, and by tuning into this distinction in how we think about them, we can help ourselves lean into our exciting growth edges, and keep safely away from what is not useful for us (and know how to tell the difference).?

Fear feels like racing pulse, tight chest, and upset stomach, etc. We feel dread and the urge to distance ourselves for safety’s sake.?

Excitement also feels like racing pulse, tight chest, and upset stomach, etc. Except instead of (or maybe along with!) dread there’s also an inkling of curiosity, energy, and the desire to explore.?

We can be scared to try something new, and at the same time want to try it, risks and all.?

According to Dr. Alison Woods Brooks, ?an assistant professor at Harvard Business School, we can consciously reframe our fear (of public speaking, for example) as excitement. This strategy can be useful for things that we are afraid of, but that we want to learn or improve on. “Studies show that the more we consciously tell our brains something, the more we start to believe it, which actually changes our emotional reaction.”

What have you been dying to try, but stalling due to fear? Can you try to reframe it as excitement and see what happens?? ?