HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE: PART THREE

Welcome to the third part of the book review on?How to Win Friends and Influence People!

If you have been following the last two parts of the book review, you’d notice that each part is linked together. They all have a connection.

How to Win Friends and Influence People?is the first ‘intentional’ book I am reading this far.

Before I made the goal of reading and summarizing intentional books, I could barely read 10 pages. Now I know, I have been missing a lot.

Reading the book has shown me that indeed, I don’t know all. I have practised the lessons written in the book, and I saw the progress and changes in humans.

If you find yourself in the same boat as I am, read this article.

I have made it easier for you to read and assimilate, as it contains main points from each other.

Below are summaries of each chapter in part three of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Happy reading!

CHAPTER ONE: YOU CAN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT

Arguments lead to nothing. It creates room for bad vibrations and two enemies.?

Avoid arguments.

Arguing makes the other person feel inferior, and to avoid that feeling of being less important, he/she argues back, even though he/she is wrong.

They say you argue to prove a point. Have you ever proven a point in an argument? You just end up making things worse.?

Let's say you won the argument. How do you think the other person will feel??

He/she will feel inferior. You've hurt his/her pride, and he/she might resent your triumph or you generally.?

So what should you do if you find yourself in an argument??

Bits and Pieces, published by The Economist Press, suggested ways to deal with an argument:

?? Welcome the argument: It might be an opportunity to learn a new thing/correct your mistake.?

?? Distrust your first instinctive impression: Keep calm and avoid defensiveness.

?? Control your temper

?? Listen first: Try to build bridges of understanding. Give your opponent a chance to talk.

?? Be honest: Apologize in the areas you found out you were wrong.

?? Promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study carefully.

?? Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest.

?? Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

While pondering on whether you are right or wrong, ask yourself:

?? Could my opponent be right?

?? Is there truth in their argument?

?? Will my reaction relieve the problem or make it worse?

?? Will I win or lose?

?? What price will I pay if I win?

?? If I am quiet, will the disagreement blow over?

N.B - "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love, and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and desire to see the other person's point of view". - Buddha

CHAPTER TWO -?A SURE WAY OF MAKING ENEMIES AND HOW TO DO IT

A human being can't be right 100% of the time. If one can be right 55% of the time, he/she will probably be making a million dollars off Wall Street a day.?

If you tell your fellow being, you are wrong, do you think the person will agree with you??

Never!?

For you have made a hit at their intelligence, judgement, pride, and self-respect, and that might create a space between you both.

"If you are going to prove anything, don't let anyone know it. Do it in a way that will be difficult to notice. Let no one feel like you are doing it." - Alexander Pope

If you want to prove someone wrong, o want to prove your point, don't say, "I am going to prove to you why you are wrong". Instead say, "Look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's state the facts". There is magic in those words.?

When you say that, the person automatically calms down. Releases his/her feelings, and is much more reasonable when it comes to settling matters.?

"Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from people), is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it." - Carl Rogers

Before you say someone is wrong, try seeing from their point of view. It helps in clarity, a lot.?

N.B: "Be diplomatic. It will help you gain your point." - King Akhtoi of Egypt.

CHAPTER THREE - IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT

Dale gave an experience he had with a policeman concerning putting a leash on his dog.

At the first meeting, the policemen reprimanded him for letting his dog out without a leash. According to Dale, the little Boston bulldog was harmless and friendly. He was walking his dog to a park that was scanty with people.??

He followed the policeman's instructions for a while, but it seemed pointless. Neither he nor the dog liked the leash.?

Another day, he took the dog out without a leash. That day, there was no one at the park. He and his dog started a race. While running, he saw the policeman coming toward them on a horse.?

Dale would have waited for the policeman to come to him and start talking, but as soon as he saw the policeman, he started blaming himself for being careless.?

Now, the policeman saw the dog was harmless and tried to make Dale keep quiet and forget about it, but Dale didn't give him a chance. He condemned himself right before the policeman.?

With that act, the policeman saw he was wrong before and started saying what Dale tried to tell him the first time. That's what happens when you admit your wrongs right before the other person talks or picks your mistakes.?

There is a certain degree of satisfaction when one dares to admit the errors made. It solves the problems the error made.

Fools defend their mistakes and try to make meaning out of them, even when it is plain that he/she was wrong.?

When we find out you are wrong, be honest with yourself, and admit your mistakes quickly with enthusiasm. This technique produces great results and is a lot more fun than defending yourself.

N.B: "If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically." - Dale Carnegie.

CHAPTER FOUR - A DROP OF HONEY

If you got angered by someone or something, do you think letting out the anger will change anything? Will it solve any problem? No. Of course not.?

Anytime you get angry or feel the anger burning up, don't retaliate harshly. That only makes matters worse.?

Instead, use a friendly approach. Sit with the other person involved and try to talk things through. Each of you should share points. See from each other's point of view. If the resolution isn't looking near, find out the reasons why each of you sticks to your opinions, list the things each of you agrees and disagrees on, and use patience and understanding to settle.?

There is a popular fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was stronger, and the wind decided to prove first on a man wearing a coat.?

The wind blew hard and rough, almost like a tornado, but nothing happened. Instead, the man held onto his coat tighter. The sun decided to try.?

It came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly at the old man. The man cleaned the sweat from his brows after a while and proceeded to take his coat off.?

Gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force.?

Kindness gets you lots of things in tough situations in your personal life, without asking for help. Kindness and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.?

N.B: 'A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." - Abraham Lincoln.?

CHAPTER FIVE - THE SECRET OF SOCRATES

When discussing with a person or people, try not to begin with things on which you differ, that will lead to a 'No' response. Instead, begin with things on which you agree. That will lead to a 'Yes' response. The person will not even know when he/she will consider what you are saying and agree with you on the spot.?

"A 'No' response is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said 'No', all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself … It is the greatest importance that a person is started in the affirmative direction" - Professor Overstreet, author, Influencing Human Behaviour.?

The more 'yeses' we induce at the beginning of a conversation, the increases the chance to succeed in capturing the attention of our ultimate proposal.?

Arguing is not worth the stress. It is much more profiting and interesting that you look at things from the other's point of view, and try to get the person to be saying 'yes'.?

The Socratic method, which is mostly ignored, was based on getting a 'yes response. He asked questions on which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on asking questions until finally, without them almost realising it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes ago.?

N.B: 'He who threads softly goes far." - Chinese Proverb

CHAPTER SIX - THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING COMPLAINTS

Form the habit of telling others to speak. Let them say what they have in mind. Disagreeing with them or chipping in before they are through with talking is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you and might end up rejecting what you have to offer.?

This lesson has proved its worth in business and family relationships. When you get to hear them speak, you know what is in their minds, and know-how to approach the situation to please them.

Humans love to feel important. If someone approaches you and forms a sort of relationship with you, what you say and how you react determines if they will stay with you or not.

If you are the type that loves to talk about yourself, accomplishments and problems more, there is bound to be disagreement. The other person will feel resentment towards you or feel they are not needed and end up doing their own thing or breaking up with you.?

If you want to win friends, talk less, listen more. Let the other person do more of the talking. Talk when necessary or when asked.

N.B: "If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you." - La Rochefoucauld (French Philosopher)

CHAPTER SEVEN - HOW TO GET COOPERATION

One way to get cooperation from people is to let them feel an idea you brought or have in mind is theirs. They believe they are the ones who brought it and begin to act like the owner, indirectly making them work according to your plan. You can make suggestions, and let the other bring the conclusion.?

No one likes to be told what to do. Humans want to bring amazing ideas and love feeling the ideas were great. This works in business, politics, and family life.?

Colonel Edward M. House had a method of influencing President Woodrow Wilson on national and international affairs. House learned that the best way to convert the President to an idea he had in mind, was to plan it in his mind casually and get him to think about it on his own accord. That alone made the President develop an interest in House's ideas.?

Don't try to sell to people, let them sell themselves of their own accord.?

N.B: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers." - Dale Carnegie

CHAPTER EIGHT - A FORMULA THAT WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU.?

Another way to win friends and influence people is to see things from their perspective. No human being can be all right. Most times, they could be total and you will know it. What should you do then?

Don't condemn them. Be wise and tolerant. Try to understand why they did what they did and be honest about it.?

Kenneth M. Goode in his book How to turn people into Gold, wrote, "stop a minute to contrast your interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realise then, that everybody else in the world feels the same way".?

Seeing things from people's viewpoints not only helps you to the reason behind them, but you will also know how to react to them.?

If it needs appreciation, appreciate the person. Be honest about it. Make the person feel important and loved. If the person needs correction, correct it in the nicest way possible. That way, you get easy cooperation and you'll be satisfied with what you did.?

When you see things from another person's eyes, you tend to ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming. When viewing, ask yourself, "why does he/she want to do it?"

Before saying something to someone, imagine how you'd feel if you were the listener.

N.B: "Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own." - Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg (Getting through to people)

CHAPTER NINE - WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS

"Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you." - Dale Carnegie

Exchanging anger with anger is never the solution. Here's a recommended magic phrase that can stop arguments, create goodwill, and make other people listen attentively.

"I don't blame you one iota freelancing as you do. If I were you, I would have undoubtedly felt just as you do".?

When someone replies to you with a disgusting, belligerent answer, first take a minute to calm down. You can put your immediate thoughts into words on paper?and throw them the second you finish. Sympathise with them from their viewpoint. Be kind/nice as you say or write it. Return the insult with kindness. You'd see how the person turns around and be apologizing to you. They'd see reasons with you, and end up doing what you want.?

N.B: "Sympathy the human species universally craves." - Dr Arthur I. Gates (Educational Psychology)

CHAPTER TEN - AN APPEAL THAT EVERYBODY LIKES

"A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one." - J. Pierpont Morgan.?

To change people, appeal to a nobler' s motive.?

For example: When John D. Rockefeller wanted newspaper photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he didn't say, "I don't want these pictures published". He appealed to a nobler' s motive.

Wrote a letter to them, telling them to reason the effect it will take on his children if they go public, and the danger they might be into.?

You might say it doesn't work for everyone. You may be right. But then, it isn't bad to experiment, is it??

Plead to a bigger cause when confronting your opponent than straight-up listing the wrongs they did, and how foolish they are for doing it.?

N.B: " …people are honest and want to discharge their obligations, … if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair" - Mr. James L. Thomas

CHAPTER ELEVEN - THE MOVIES DO IT. TV DOES IT. WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?

One thing common with movies and tv shows that we all can agree, on is dramatising your point. Put it into action, to sound more convincing.?

Not just say it in words, show what you mean. Act to capture the other person, and he/she will give you full attention.?

You can dramatise your ideas/points in any aspect of your life. Remember, you're doing it to gain attention.?

Show the audience what you mean. If you need to experiment, do it. It works everywhere.?

N.B: "Dramatise your ideas. "?

CHAPTER TWELVE - WHEN NOTHING ELSE IS WORKING, TRY THIS.?

"The best way to get things done is to stimulate competition..."- Charles Schwab

The desire to excel is built up when you bring a challenge, or you are in one.?

Most times, you see that the person performing his/her perform more than you can imagine. This works if the work the person is in is interesting and lively. That will motivate the person to do a great job.?

N.B: "What every successful surprise person love is the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his/her self-worth to excel or win... The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance." - Dale Carnegie?

Remember to implement the lessons in your everyday actions, watch out for improvement in your lifestyle, and change in humans you come across or meet.