How to Win Friends & Influence People

My friends, when I became a Police Officer I was 21 years old and weighed a paltry 150 pounds. If I say so myself I looked quite stunning in my uniform, the glare of the ceiling lights could be seen bouncing off the gleaning shine on my shoes.

I was a shining example of what a Police Constable should look like. One day after a couple of months on the job my Supervisor approached me and said, “Dan, your deportment and manner of dress is exemplary.” Never in my 25 years of service have I ever seen anyone who takes such pride in his appearance.

A Chiropractor would have been impressed with how straight my backbone immediately became. My shoulders became level and rigid, my chin stuck out betraying the muscular cords in my neck, my chest expanded a full 6 inches and you might say I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Then he said, “ Now, don’t go getting all vain, I just said that to make you feel good”. What I really want to tell you is that your powers of discretion leave very little to be desired. Your creating to many jaywalking files and giving out too many parking tickets. Dan your not making too many friends out there, please use a little more discretion will you.

But actually you do look really good in your uniform and I hope you keep that up and with a few more years of experience you should become a good officer.

Wow, in two minutes I was lifted up to soaring heights, dropped on my head and helped back up on my feet. And I didn’t feel half bad about it. My error had been pointed out in a manner I appreciated, he began with lavish praise and honest appreciation and accomplished his goal and left no wounds on the battlefield of life.

He secured a commitment from me and I honestly appreciated it. He knew how to criticize in a positive way and get maximum results. How often have we been guilty of condemning someone in a non-positive manner. How many people do we talk about negatively day in and day out. I’m no better than anyone else, but I do know how I like someone to point out my faults….by not making me feel bad.

We can all become experts in this field, the best way is by utilizing what is called the sandwich technique. First, the bun filled with praise, followed by the meat which is the suggestions for improvement and then finish it off with another bun filled with lavish praise.

But yet, in our dealings with subordinates, peers and others we revert sometimes to the overbearing hack and slash criticisms that leave no praise, no suggestions just hurt feelings.

If you want to read a book that can truly influence how you deal with people I would suggest Dale Carnegie’s 1936 book “How to win friends and influence People”.

The principles in this book explain the rules of evaluating and correcting behaviour which when followed get people to look forward to their critique. Such as:

Beginning with lavish praise and honest appreciation and don’t spare it. Pick an area where they did well and let them know it. It only makes sense to start with the positive, no one enjoys hearing their poor points but it is easier once you’ve heard your virtuous qualitities.

If you must bring up a person’s faults talk about your own mistakes first. For example when I talk to my subordinates about their mistake I will say “ I remember when I first started on the job, I made the same error several times before I got it right. However, I did look real good in my uniform. Talk about your own mistakes first.

What inspires a person to perform better, a good whipping or praise. I found that if my wife wants me to do something she is better off trying to convince me to do it because I am good at it. Boy, has she ever perfected this technique. She’ll say can you cook dinner tonight, I’ll look at her and say, Why me? Her reply will be but your such a great cook and you really know how to barbeque and I’m no good at it.

Most people are the same, they love praise and even if you praise the slightest improvement your going to win lots of friends and be able to influence others. As Dale Carnegie says be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

Make the persons fault seem easy to correct, easy to do. If you tell your spouse, child or employee that their incompetent at something, you’ve pretty much killed any incentive to improve at it. Instead be liberal with encouragement, easy to improve, let them know you have faith in their ability and that person will practise until its perfected.

4 easy steps that if followed will get your evaluation or criticism across without offending the person. But you know my friends these rules are not new discoveries nor were they created by Dale Carnegie. All 4 can be rolled up into one sentence taught to us over 2000 years ago by the World’s greatest teacher, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

So, I urge you all to think before you criticize your fellow man, employee, spouse, or child. Remember to give them the criticism that they will love and respect you for.

Strive to be the person that your dog thinks you are.