How to Win Even When You Lose

Welcome to today’s edition of The Nihar Chhaya LinkedIn Newsletter, and thank you for reading!??If you’re new here, feel free to hit the subscribe button above so you can receive it directly every Thursday.?

Before I get into today’s topic, I thought I’d share a bit about why this is a weekly newsletter on “mindsets, motivation and communication”?to better manage yourself and those you lead and influence.

Those three words sound quite jargon-y, don’t they???

In a world filled with self-help and personal improvement content, words like those can seem like they are overused and have lost their deserved nuance.??

The truth is, I chose those three words because I see them as the trifecta that reflects our self and how we interpret, as well as interact with, the world around us.??

Mindset relates to our brain; motivation relates to what’s in our heart; communication (both nonverbal and verbal) relates to our body and how it expresses itself.?

Everything we receive and give out in the world has to do with these three parts of us.??And there is so much to learn about managing ourselves and others through the lens of these three parts.??

Hopefully I can offer you some insights that help you flourish through those aspects.??

In today’s edition, I provide some ways to think of your mindset, motivation and communication when it comes to those pesky moments we all have: losing an opportunity we really wanted.

And if any of it resonates with you or provokes some other ideas, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!

How to win even when you lose

“The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.”?

Those were the words famed sportscaster Jim McKay used in the intro to a popular TV show I watched as a kid in the 80's, ABC’s The Wide World of Sports.??

That phrase can relate to much more than just sports.

In the game of life (or business or careers), it’s not uncommon to have those same emotions tied up in the experiences that we hold so dear to our definition of success.??

High performing leaders are often successful because they have learned to be resilient in the face of a loss.??But they are human, too.

They also feel the sting of rejection; they just might be better at hiding it, or cope by taking it out on others. For all of us, it can be confusing and heartbreaking to be deprived of something you worked hard for and feel like you rightfully deserve.

The fascinating thing about losing, however, is that as unpleasant as it feels, it may be the very thing that gets you ready for bigger wins in the future. And research suggests that those who are on a "losing streak" indeed are negatively affected emotionally, but also become more mentally prepared and aware of results, which if channeled correctly can be beneficial in the long term.

When I’m coaching my clients I am empathetic to their ups and downs.??But beyond empathy, I see my most important job as steadily holding the space for them to deeply explore the learning in those experiences.??

And after many years of coaching successful people who experience discouragement but may not be aware of how they are (or should be) processing it, I’ve fortunately observed one useful truth:??

There’s?always?something of value behind the loss.??

You may not see it immediately. You may not even believe that's true.

But if you suspend judgment (of yourself and of the situation), exercise patience and apply your innate creativity, you will soon notice something more valuable is about to arrive.??

In short, if you choose to try, you can in fact, turn any loss to eventually become a win in your life.???

Let’s be clear, I’m not suggesting magical thinking or manifesting by changing your vibration or other new age technique. I'm not even saying to simply "look at the bright side," although I support anyone for whom any of these strategies work.?

What I’m referring to, is simply taking an inventory of the many times things simply worked out already for you, after a rejection or a loss.

Going further, take stock of the times when things actually may have turned out better than you expected. ??

In times of discouragement, two things make all the difference:

1. Your interpretation of the loss.
2. Your creativity in using the loss to somehow still stay in the game until the scoreboard changes.

Here's an example of how this has played out in my own work.

Every now and then, I’ll get a call to coach an executive but their organization wants to first present a few coaches to them from whom to select.?

Typically I can tell in my meeting with the prospective client whether we would be a good fit or not, for coaching together.??It’s much easier to pass on a client, or not be selected, when I feel like there isn’t a connection there.?

But sometimes I’ll meet a leader that I am so "in the groove" with in our conversation. You know, all the boxes are checked in terms of how I can help and their willingness to grow, our styles mesh, and I just can’t wait to get started.??

Yet they decide to go in a different direction, either choosing a different coach or deciding against getting help altogether.

Getting that call that I can't help them is painful.

And it doesn't matter that my calendar is full and and I fortunately have more than enough amazing clients I'm working with. Without fail, the Monday-morning quarterbacking begins:

Did I miss something in our meeting???

What could I have done differently???

Oh, maybe I should have had more of a structure to the call than just creating connection and chemistry between us. Should I have sold more of the "value" of coaching? But then how would he get a feel of how I coach if I just talked about it like a vendor?

Should I have given more advice and come across as assertive, rather than asking him thoughtful questions? Wait, but giving advice is not even what coaching is about!

One of the hardest parts of any interaction where you are discussing a potential partnership is the balance between the "thinking" and the "feeling."

You want to appeal to their logical need to see the relationship as useful but you also need to attract their emotional needs, whether it's about safety, inspiration, attraction or motivation to create something together.

As a result, it's almost impossible to win every time. But we don't want to believe that truth beforehand. And we may struggle to accept it afterwards.

I’ll bet you can find an analogy for the above in your work and life too.??

Are you trying to get your company to support your promotion???

Are you trying to convince a customer to work with you???

Or perhaps you are interviewing for a role in a new company.??

If you didn’t get the promotion, land the customer or get the job, how do you know what went wrong???Should you have laid out a better business case or showed more of your personality???

Could you have been more of a team player and sound like everyone else so you show humility? Or should you have differentiated yourself more and really played up how special you are??

Unfortunately, a feeling of complete resolution about the loss may never come.??But as I mentioned above, your interpretation of the event and your commitment to staying in the arena will be game-changers for your future.?

Everything works out if you just stay in the game.

As discouraging as it is when a prospective client who I really want to help goes in a different direction, I'm guilty of forgetting a very interesting fact:

Almost all of those interactions have led me to future and even more rewarding clients. ??

The leader I met has either referred me to someone else in their company or a contact in their network. Because I showed up with all the intentions of serving, they recognized something special in our interaction that they valued, even if not in the form I initially expected.??

Had I not experienced that first “loss” I wouldn’t even be on their radar. It's funny, over the years, I’ve even had a few that ultimately hired me after they worked with the coach they chose.??

And hey, we all shop around, don’t we???The sooner I accepted that and decided to stay in the game anyway, the happier and more successful I became.?

Holding on so tightly to every opportunity and identifying myself by "winning" or "losing" limited the resilience I needed to be even more successful.

So I found immense value in being lighter with it all. I started to challenge my thinking and play around with my interpretation of such events.??

What if by "losing" this opportunity, I really dodged a bullet?

Maybe this “rejection” is actually a huge win for me, in disguise.??

Perhaps I would be miserable working with a client that didn’t really know what they wanted.??

Or maybe not working with them will finally free me up to coach the leaders that were yearning for help and have more time to develop other resources for my clients.

See what happened there???Everything kind of just works out….somehow.??

Even if it feels like it doesn’t, it does.??

If you just expand your perspective and create some awareness that the experience will get you closer to what you really want, your brain will eventually look for ways to justify your new beliefs.??(Let’s hear it for confirmation bias!)

Try these tips on for yourself, next time you find yourself in a competitive situation that feels binary.??

Maybe you have a goal you are trying to achieve but are up against others, or perhaps you have recently experienced being deprived of the win you wanted. Take a look at it from the lenses of mindset, motivation and communication and consider some new ways of reflecting and acting in response.

1. Mindset: When you lose something you really want and are feeling down, you can experience a great deal of hopelessness.

What is initially a minor disappointment can lead your mind to run rampant, worrying about whether you will ever win in a similar situation again and what your life might look like if you never get that job, promotion, funding, etc.

To stay resilient and pragmatically optimistic, consider using University of Pennsylvania Professor Martin Seligman's 3 P's model (personalization, permanence and pervasiveness) to challenge your thoughts and beliefs.

We tend to think a rejection is all about us (personalization), when in reality there are other variables at play. What possible outside factors that have nothing to do with you could have led the other person to move forward with you?

It's also common to take a loss and believe it will last forever (permanence). But is this really true? Write down that this event is just a temporary thing and plan out how you will get back on the horse and apply for a new job, reach out to a new investor or introduce yourself to new potential clients.

Lastly, a rejection, depending on your interpretation and the gravity of it, can feel like it will consume your entire world (pervasiveness). But it doesn't have to affect your identity and self-perception at all.

In fact, it really is just a small aspect in a more expansive life you have, that eventually won't matter when you make room for more opportunities.

2. Motivation: Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of Saturday Night Live manages a team that puts together a 90-minute live comedy sketch show from scratch every week, and he has been doing that since 1975!

Imagine the ups and downs involved in any aspect of that work, from the conceptualizing to the writing, to rehearsing, to competing to get your sketch on the air, to making sure sets are built, to blocking and direction, to being live in front of millions of people where anything going wrong can feel like a massive disaster.

But Michaels and his team are driven by something different than perfection; they produce by accepting the reality surrounding them and do it anyway.

One of his most famous quotes is:

"The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30."

Setbacks and mistakes are bound to happen in any endeavor that is significant enough to make a change in the lives of yourself and others. Get back in touch with your "why" and what's in your heart when you are doing your work.

When you let that guide you and not hold on too tightly to seeking perfection, you invite more chances to excel in the long run. If Lorne Michaels' teams wait to get it right, or took every misstep as an indication that they aren't worthy of their viewers, they wouldn't be on the air for a week, let alone over 45 years.

3. Communication: When you experience a rejection or a loss, it's vital to think creatively about the situation from a broader perspective.

I like to remember that at the end of the day, we are all just humans trying to find our way in this world. The scary interviewer or customer you are trying to warm up to is someone whose inner child is running wild too.

They have issues just like all of us and this competition or event in which you sought validation may mean a great deal to you, while they are obsessing about their own need for approval.

So how might you keep the dialogue going? Just because you "lost" doesn't mean you can't create the conditions for future benefit by communicating with them.

The interaction you had and the context in which it took place doesn't have to be the only reason you ever cross paths in this huge world that is changing all the time.

Consider following up with people even after a rejection or a decision that was made which didn't go your way. Connect with them on LinkedIn. Send them a thank you note if you genuinely enjoyed meeting them.

Tell them,

"I know things didn't work out now, but I felt like we had an easy rapport and I'd love to stay in touch. And who knows, maybe we might find an opportunity to work together in the future. I also would be happy to connect you with some awesome people in my network if you ever need."

Expressing yourself, whether through writing or speaking with the players involved in the "loss" not only keeps you in the game but it genuinely paves the way for future interactions that none of you can predict but can definitely influence.

What's more, this kind of follow up can help take the sting out of the event by reminding you that it's not you they rejected, or you that lost in the competition; it just wasn't meant to be, for now. And remember, everything is going to eventually work out anyway.

Nihar Chhaya is a leadership expert and executive coach to CEOs, startup founders and senior leaders at?global companies, including American Airlines, Cigna, Coca-Cola, Cox Enterprises, Draft Kings, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon Technologies, Wieden + Kennedy, and many more.??He holds an MBA from The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, an MA from Columbia University and a BS from Georgetown University.??You can download his free tip sheet on?delivering tension-free feedback?to your team.?

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