How to Win By Being a Good Guy - 8 Article Series: Part 2.

The second Weekly Guide to anyone and everyone, on why we should re-boot after the pandemic and be an all-round good person.

Part 2: Winning Ways

Having established in Part 1 that anyone can be a Good Guy regardless of age, gender, race, belief system or level of ability, and that ethically, society expects us to be a Good Guy, in part 2 we ask a different question: Why should I be a good guy? What’s in it for me?

Essentially there are two good reasons (other than meeting societal expectations) why we should be a Good Guy. The first is that it will enhance our career, but the most important reason is that it will enhance our personal life. The fact is that the difference being a Good Guy will make to you and your family will be marked and obvious to you and to your many friends.

The Expected Anecdote

Years ago, when my four kids were young, money was tight. Don’t get me wrong, we were still very comfortable compared to many others, but we simply didn’t have the money to complete all of our projects. We had moved to an expensive area of the country and had purchased a house that needed work.

We have always enjoyed bringing the family together, no matter how young, in a family council so that we could make decisions together (within reason of course), and we decided that once the ancient kitchen was replaced, we would use our savings to improve the family bathroom which was cold and old and chocolate brown.

When we had saved enough money for the bathroom, we had a family council to decide on how to make it more pleasant and kid friendly. During the conversation, a friend rang and said that they were going to Center Parcs for a week’s holiday and wanted to know if they should book for our family too. In a moment of weakness, we blew the bathroom fund on a holiday to France at Center Parcs.

Over the next decade and a half, we made little progress on our home projects but had a great many fabulous breaks with our kids.

When, at nineteen, the oldest of our offspring went to the USA for two years to volunteer, we knew we would not see him until he returned home. So, we would write weekly, he would respond weakly. When he did respond he would recall the memorable times he had with us as a family. One such response was:

“Dad, I really appreciate the sacrifice you made to give us great holidays, we made lifelong friends and had a wonderful time. I remember those times every night before I go to sleep. They help me not to miss people.”

As I sat at home reading that touching note I realised that our ‘moment of weakness’ had in fact been inspired. My guess was, and is,  that he would never have written home from thousands of miles away and said:

“Dad, I know that we didn’t have many holidays together, but what a great bathroom we had.”

People are more important than things!

Unless you are a hermit living alone and creating work that no-one else will ever see, you need people.

Working on the assumption that I am right and that we are all interdependent, then surely the greatest skill that we can develop is the ability to work more effectively with others. I would probably be as bold as to say that our happiness at home, at work, in social situations and even in unwanted times of need, depends on others, people are our mainstay. We can pretend that they are not by separating ourselves from society, we can isolate ourselves, self-medicate with alcohol or the drugs of our choice, but in the end, it is good relationships that offer us stability and happiness. This stability gives us a foundation upon which we can build a successful life and career.

When I was seventeen and attending college on day release, I had a free class in the middle of the day and, like most teens, would have enjoyed wasting the free time. The course tutor wanted me in a lesson somewhere, anywhere. None of the courses attracted me. After all, I would be spending 31 two-hour sessions doing something I neither needed to do, nor liked. I turned down accounting, life drawing and an introduction to the classics. However, when he suggested a course subtitled “How to attract more girls”, I suddenly realised that education was more important than lounging around and, in a moment of weakness, I enrolled.

He lied. The course was Introduction to Psychology (Interpersonal Relationships). I cursed my gullibility and turned up to the lessons. In sixty-two hours of lectures my life changed. I understood why we needed personal relationships and more importantly, why beautiful girls also needed personal relationships.

The truth of the matter is that here was another seeming moment of weakness that proved to be an inspired moment after all.

At the end of the first lecture, I set about practising what I had been taught, I am still practising today. I have more friends that I care about than I could ever have imagined, many of them beautiful women.

The Cult of Personality

To quote the great Spanish Philosopher, Enrique Iglesias,

“My best personality trait is that I think I'm very approachable. And my worst is that I can be moody.”

His father Julio Iglesias was also a philosopher whose seminal work “To all the girls I loved before” was set to music I believe.

Whilst my co-author, in the book of this series (coming summer 2021), Paul Scott, is quite properly adamant that whilst personality should be secondary to character, personality needs to be understood if we are to improve ourselves and help others.

Given that personality drives an individual, consciously, and unconsciously we need to have a broad understanding of the basic personality types and why people act as they do.

I used  a version of this personality model in my 1994 book, Conflicts in Construction, but I still use it today:

For ease of reference let us call the vertical line the assertiveness line. The further right of the line the more aggressive the stance. Then we can call the horizontal line the empathy line, the further north of the line the more we allow the task to dominate the people involved.

 If we can work out where we, and others, lie within the four quadrants, we have a good chance of being able to understand their motivations and thus their point of view. Human beings are complex, and they will, inevitably, enjoy some of the traits cited in each quadrant. Relatively few people exist in one quadrant. However, we all have a dominant quadrant and that will unconsciously guide our actions, unless we consciously divert those actions to what we want to achieve, rather than what we are driven to do.

 I believe that we genuinely can be the people we want to be. This is not just my opinion, but I would argue that the evidence lies before us today, behind us in history, and ahead of us through our posterity.

 To give you a broad example, whilst totally alienating my family, I would say that out of my four children, all raised in the same way, I have a child in each quadrant. In no particular order they are as follows:

 One is very analytical, task driven by nature, and has to really work on interpersonal relationships but does so successfully.

 Another is the most amiable people person you could meet, sweet, charming, friendly and beloved of many (if not all).

 The third is undeniably results driven, task oriented and purposeful, may potentially upset people on the way to a successful project.

 Finally, we have an expressive, an entertainer, one who is assertive whist being concerned about people, moderate at getting things done quickly.

 Take some time and work out, honestly, where you naturally lie. If you are at an extreme you may choose to work on moving closer to the centre. The Good Guys want to get the job done, but without sacrificing people along the way. This is usually achievable, and it brings with it the trappings of success - without the guilt. Incidentally, if you hurt others and don’t feel guilt or remorse, you may need to recalibrate.

 By understanding others, we can learn to address their needs whilst still achieving our overall goals. For example: 

1)     We might need to remind an angry dominant Driver whose tasks are not being achieved as they would hope, that we are a people business and so our people are important to successfully executing all tasks.

2)     A tearful Amiable may need to be consoled and reminded that their Driver boss does not dislike them, they do like them, but sometimes a Driver will forget that the task is not all important.

3)     An unsettled Analytic may be annoyed that an Amiable has provided data late. Equally they may be livid that their carefully constructed analytical model is being ignored by a Driver. They may need to be assured that their facts and figures are magnificent but that sometimes, other people need to be educated as to their value.

4)     The Expressive or Entertainer, is most likely to become a problem if they are ignored. They may be offended if interrupted during their retelling of an anecdote by an Analytic or Driver who simply want to move on.

 Establishing Rapport, building a relationship.

 The books of Dale Carnegie explain how to create sound relationships, and the books by Napoleon Hill tell us how to apply those traits and succeed in business. Let me summarise ten of the most important factors for you.

1)     People work better with friends because trust and honourable dealing is assumed. Both parties have an investment in the relationship that goes beyond the immediate issue.

2)     To become friends, we need to share intimacies with our friends, and they will do the same. Not deep intimacies but personal details, such as names of partners, what kids are doing at school, secret passions.

3)     To become friends we must be interested, genuinely interested, in our friend and their interests. We must ask questions to consolidate our knowledge and show interest.

4)     We should be as positive and supportive as we can be.

5)     We should allow others to be positive and supportive when we need a friend.

6)     Use first names, smile, and make contact even when you don’t need something.

7)     Share. That is; share not only ideas but also your largesse where necessary. Generosity is powerful.

8)     Give without expecting anything in return.

9)     Find common interests, spend time in joint pursuits outside of business.

10)  Never pretend. Never exploit these powerful interpersonal tools for gain.

Friendships and rapport can be built in seconds or take years to develop, be patient. The world is a better place when another friendship is formed, society is richer when another friendship is formed.

In survey after survey over the thirty-five years I have been lecturing on dealing with others, I have encountered the same results. People are happier and more successful when they follow these principles, when they take the first steps to being a Good Guy.

 Just as a matter of interest here is an intimate fact for me to share with you all, I have a passion for Silver Age/Bronze age DC Comics, particularly Superman, Batman and the Flash. Now, what is your secret passion?

 In Part 3 of How to Win by Being a Good Guy, we will discuss how to deal with difficult people and situations whilst enhancing your reputation as a Good Guy.

 Jeff Whitfield is an author and testifying expert witness, he is a Director of Capital Consulting International (CCi) whose offices span the globe.