How were you brought up? You’ve got one of two choices…
?? Michael Bungay Stanier
Author of *The Coaching Habit* (1 million+ sold), *How to Work with (Almost) Anyone* & more ? I help people unlock greatness: theirs and others' ? #1 thought leader on coaching ?Top rated keynote speaker ? Rhodes Scholar
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Which is your orientation?
In a podcast episode, therapist Esther Perell asked her two clients, “Were you raised for autonomy? Or were you raised for loyalty?” Genius.
I’m not sure what your answer is, but when I think about the consequences of mine (autonomy) …This. Explains. Everything.
OK, not everything. And I know it’s not black and white. But still. You can see your bias to one or the other, yes?
So name it. And let’s look at the consequences of that orientation together.
What’s the surprising gift this has given you? For me, my bias to autonomy creates a willingness to be accountable, to take (even over-take) responsibility for what happens when it doesn’t work well. It means, mostly, that I’m not stuck in “blame conversations.” I just claim the mess as down to me, and then we can get along with sorting things out.
What’s the hidden cost to this orientation? For me, loneliness. I’m delighted to be a self-contained unit, but I’m always hoping someone knocks on the door, invites me out, invites me in. (Whether I end up saying yes to those invitations … well, that’s a whole nother thing!)
I’m not going to shift my orientation, and neither are you. It’s in our bones.
But you can still understand what’s going on. In fact, the somewhat meta-question to follow those two might be, what are the prizes and punishments of that gift and then again of that cost?
Once you see the consequences, you can start to refine your behavior.
What’s one thing you’re taking from this?
What one thing you’d like to shift?
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Partner at K&P Agency
1 年Interesting approach. In my opinion, to have a better understanding about others, you need to understand who you are and behave (genetic personality) first. How you have been raised up will influence but not change your genetic personality. Therefore, probably, Esther Perrel was trying to help her clients to have a better understanding about themself to have a better understanding of each other. I have learned that we have 3 different behaviors, talkative/sociable (wellbeing, habits); dominant/dynamic (status/performance); distanced/objective (planning/rationality). All 3 are present in us but in different % in each of us.
Founder I Accredited Executive Coach I Facilitator at EQuip Coaching & Training Ltd
1 年Love this ?? Michael Bungay Stanier. A real game-changer of a question for increasing self awareness
Global Finance Transformation - Local Compliance Team Leader
1 年Love this! I wonder whether Gus would care to share the joys and pains of a bias to loyalty? In my experience: +It makes supportive moral choices easy -The same choices may be lazy or superficial -You can end up leaving the burden of tough moral choices to others +You are naturally dependable in the long term -Conflicts in loyalty to others may be harder to resolve than autonomous conflicts The main challenge is to make sure you are sharing the driving. Loyalty is not the same as waiting for orders. Theresa Stockdale's injunction works well for both orientations.
Builder. Leader. Lifelong Learner.
1 年#1. Be intentional in interactions with others, and ask yourself, "is this person's day better because I was a part of it?"
Business Strategy, Organization Design, Innovation, Organizational Effectiveness, Enterprise Transformation, Change Management, Talent Management
1 年This is genius.