How Well Do You Recognize Your Patterns?

A leader shared how she knew she was going to use humour to lighten a tricky situation recently. She knew that to do that effectively, she should not refer to the severity of the situation. But she couldn’t help herself. She used humour, but undermined its effectiveness by telling the team they best not mess up.

She knew her pattern in that situation – but she didn’t heed her own self-knowledge.

Watch the Wires

Our basic wiring is complete by around age of seven. We go one to develop behaviour patterns linked to that wiring.

Do you recognize your patterns?

Key to practicing emotionally intelligent leadership is knowing yourself – being aware of your thoughts, feelings and actions – and how these are signals alerting you to an imminent pattern. Emotionally intelligent leaders use the signals to avoid displaying an unhelpful pattern.

They know how displaying a pattern impacts how others perceive them and so they work to choose a pattern that better serves themselves and others.

What patterns have you formed that serve you well?

Maybe you….

• Make an effort to invite every voice in the room to speak.
• Consciously bring upbeat energy into the room.
• Agree criteria before making a decision.
• Take a 'time out' when feeling overwhelmed.
• Paint the bigger picture, to move others from siloed interests.
• Prep well before a presentation.
• Count to ten backwards in at least three languages before speaking when angry.
• Always send an agenda before a meeting, yet remain fluid enough to accommodate some non-agenda discussions.

And what patterns have you formed that don’t serve you well?

• Dominating discussions in meetings.
• Telling your team exactly how to approach the problem.
• Escalating a challenging situation.
• Seeking speed over clarity.
• Fixing your perspective of a person or a situation.
• Extremizing – always, never, totally.
• Withdrawing from ‘lively’ debates.
• ‘Knowing’ before you’ve even listened to the person.

Emotionally intelligent leaders know their patterns and work hard to ensure they show up effectively and authentically – even in the most challenging situations, by:

Practicing their response and behaviour before the event.

If they are going into a meeting where they know a stakeholder will push their buttons, they practice prepared phrases and body language to ensure they respond effectively in a 'trigger' moment.

Remaining present.

It’s hard to be effective if your head is in the past or the future. Emotionally intelligent leaders take in signals from what they are feeling, thinking and doing right now to best direct their response.

Staying connected to purpose.

They know what is meaningful to them in life. They anchor themselves to their bigger ‘why’ and ask: How can I best serve my purpose right now?

Balancing work and non-work.

They schedule rest and rejuvenation time to replenish their energy levels. They know they can’t run on empty. They consciously avoid the 'busy' bug.

Exercising optimism.

They know that no situation is permanent. They know that any situation isn’t all-encompassing. And they know that with effort, they can find ways forward.

Show self-empathy.

They don’t judge how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. They listen to the signals and create workable options.

Is prevention preferable to a cure?

Too often, rather than avoiding a emotionally unintelligent response, we apologize after the event - and take solace in reflecting on what we did that wasn't so effective.

If you believe it is preferable to prevent a sub-optimal response rather than seek to remedy it at a later stage, perhaps make a note of your patterns now - and how you might choose to redesign them.

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach, working with tech leaders in multicultural environments - supporting them to lead themselves with greater self-awareness and self-management – so that they can more effectively lead others.

She is a Preferred Partner in India for Six Seconds, the global leaders in emotional intelligence research and assessments, having conducted over 500,000 assessments across over 140 countries.

? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership