How Well Do You Listen to Yourself and to Those around You?

Listening skills are basic because each of us really wants to be listened to. But do we know how to listen? How much do we listen to those around us? And when we say we are listening, are we really listening?

Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the forefathers of humanistic psychology and the Client-Centered Therapy, recommends that each and every one of us learns to understand what true listening means, its contribution to building relationships, and how much it empowers those who speaking to us.

Once we know how to practice and internalize listening skills, we will soon discover its effect on people who are speaking to us, at the level of behavior and even at the level of thinking and feelings. This means that listening is a motivating tool. Therefore, as managers and human resource professionals, the more we use this skill, the wider and more long-term the circles of influence we will have on those around us.

According to Rogers, people with psychiatric problems are those who have a "short circuit" in the communication between themselves, which directly affects their ability to maintain healthy communication with those around them. In light of this, studies have found that empathy and good communication that people have with themselves and with others can lead to change, improve relationships, and even heal, which means that listening is a healing tool!

If the skills of communicating well with others is obvious, apparent, and so simple to implement, then why aren't we that good at it?

Are We Judgmental?

One of the answers to the question lies in the fact that we have a strong tendency to judge others, a tendency that grows stronger in situations that involve intense emotions. In these situations, there is almost no communication between people. When viewing these conversations from the sidelines, each side seems entrenched in its position, and it is, in fact, a "deaf conversation."

The bridge to break through the judgment barrier is based on listening and understanding.

Developing listening abilities means learning about and understanding the person speaking to us, discerning the perspectives they represent, feeling their emotions, and examining subjects from their point of view, while overcoming the basic instinct for judgment.

Once we are able to overcome this impulse, our ability to communicate with others will intensify.

So, if listening and empathy skills empower, bring about change, and even heal, why don't we use them all the time? There are three possible reasons:

1. Fear and lack of courage – Many people are afraid that if they listen to others, learn their perspective, understand them, and perhaps change their opinions about them, they will become influenced rather than being influencers.
2. ?The intensity of the emotions involved – When we are involved in an intensely emotional argument, it is very difficult for us to subdue the emotions, treat them as "noise," and manage them correctly. This is automatic.
3. ?The size of the group involved in the process – When it comes to communication processes between large groups, each of which represents an idea/topic, it is difficult to treat the conversation between the groups as a conversation between individual people. It seems as if there are entities that are incapable of sustaining human conversation based on mutual understanding.

Listening Can Also Shape Personality

Studies in psychology and psychiatry show that the listener has the ability to shape the identity of the storyteller. How does this happen?

When we tell a story, we pull out information from our memories and translate it into speech/language. At the end of the story, the information we told goes back into our memories the way we told it, so the memory that remains is actually the story we told. Therefore, the listener has the ability to decide what will be told in the future. If the storyteller feels that the listener is attentive then they will tell a fully detailed, rich story. However, if the listener is not really paying attention, the storyteller will tell a superficial story. This is how the behavior of the listener determines the development of the speaker's "self."

The main idea behind listening is the storyteller's desire to feel understood. The experience of someone paying attention and understanding has a strong connection with a sense of positivity in the bond created between the storyteller and the listener.

So How Do We Strengthen Our Listening Skills?

Whether you are managers, human resources professionals, or simply want to hone general life skills:

1. When someone is telling you a story, listen up. Don't ask questions just to find out more. Allow the storyteller to say everything without interruption.

• ?During an interview – Allow the job candidate to answer the question until the end. Don't interrupt the interviewee in the middle of the answer. Ask open questions. The more you listen honestly, the more you'll learn about the person sitting across from you.
• ?As managers – Allow employees to present their story fully. Even if their opinions are different from yours, allow them to present their perspective. Listening creates engagement.
• ?The more you pay attention and the more people tell you things and share their thoughts with you, the better you will know how to respond to what's going on around you in your organization.

2. Repeat back what you have heard – This allows storytellers to experience being understood. At first it feels technical, but the technique has merit in this situation. The more you repeat back, the more natural it will feel. Mirroring is a tool that allows storytellers to hear how they sound, so they can learn about themselves and understand how they are perceived by others.

• During an interview – Repeat what you heard and understood at the end of each question, after a few questions, and certainly in the summary of the interview, and ask the candidate to confirm or correct what you said. This will reduce biases and misunderstandings in decision-making after the interview.
• ?As managers – The technique of mirroring communication with your employees will help you learn about how they perceive events and conduct themselves, and how they deal with tasks and challenges. Moreover, this will help you with performance management, onboarding processes, and personal development that will help employees identify and decipher their perceptions and ways of coping, and also help them find solutions through discussion.

3. Try not to take a position – This is a difficult skill to acquire, especially given the judgment inherent in us, but in order to enable honest listening, we must stop ourselves from giving answers. Adopt the premise that the answers will come from the storytellers themselves. All you have to do is ask the questions, listen, and repeat the answers back.

• During an interview – Remember that it is your job to ask questions and listen. The purpose of the interview is to offer a platform for candidates to express themselves so that you can make the decision about their suitability for the position, the organization, the manager, and the staff. Taking a position will divert you from the purpose of the interview.
• ?As managers – Asking open and thought-provoking questions promotes development and empowerment among employees. When we express a position before listening, it creates a block among employees. Save your opinion for the end of the conversation, after you have completed the process of asking questions, through which you teach employees how to examine situations and problems. At the end of the process, express your position.

Everyone in the whole world is truly a "storyteller."

We all have daily opportunities to get excited about stories and practice our listening skills, anywhere, anytime.

Good luck