How Are We Going to Get “Un-Lonely”?

A year ago, I stood inside of a swarm of 500+ people at the Chambers Hotel in downtown Minneapolis. The occasion was an event I created called Sonder, named after a word that describes the profound act of recognizing other peoples’ rich inner lives.?

Yet as people of all backgrounds mixed and mingled amid amazing food, drinks and art, I realized that no one was aware of my own inner life and struggles, because I was hiding them so well.?

I found myself wrestling with two contradictory feelings:?

“Isn’t this great? We’re so hungry for connection, community and belonging, and this event is delivering all of that.”

“I’m standing here looking like everything is perfect in my own life, and no one knows that I’m completely falling apart inside.”

Months later, I posted about the huge gap between how we can appear to others and how we actually feel, and a surprising thing happened: The engagement went off the charts, and my DMs exploded with people telling me how much they identified with that “falling apart” feeling.?

Link to my Instagram life here

Around the same time, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy posted an advisory ringing the alarm bells on “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” The point was that loneliness has physical consequences. To mention just a few:?

• Poor connections with other human beings can increase your risk of heart disease (29%), stroke (32%) and, if you’re older, developing dementia (50%).
• Overall, a lack of connection can increase your risk of dying early the quickly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Even more alarming, loneliness is worst among young people. Most recently, I spotted an article saying that Gen Z is apparently so lonely that some are posting “friendship applications” on social media. Friendship applications?!

Speaking of social media, here I am using LinkedIn to talk about loneliness when most people think social media is the problem, not the solution. Yet it’s a huge part of how many of us live and make a living.?

So where do we go from here??

I wish I could say I know the answers, but for now I’m focused on asking the questions:?

Can we keep using technology, phones and social media without harming ourselves?

In general, are we all “health-washing” mental health the same way companies have been “greenwashing” for decades — talking about it without doing anything about it?

When will we know that we’ve finally “de-stigmatized” mental health issues?

How are we going to get un-lonely?

Again, I don’t know the answers. All I know is that my entire career is built on trying to reverse the trend of loneliness, isolation and emotional suffering. It’s not just a job, it’s a vocation.?

Instinctively, I’ve always known that it’s healthy to celebrate people. To make them feel welcome no matter who they are. To create connections. To get people talking, listening, creating, sharing, hugging, dancing. To approach life with curiosity instead of judgment.?

I’m not the first person to talk about these issues or want to solve them. But I hope I won’t be the last.?

What do you think about these issues? Are we on the right track? Wrong track? Do you feel more hopeful or hopeless??

And finally, to paraphrase Elmo’s question from a few weeks ago, how are you doing? : )?

P.S. I’m happy to report that at our second Sonder event just a few weeks ago, I felt joyous both inside and out, and I hope you did, too.?