How to Use Your Ego State to Your ADVANTAGE!

In last week's Contagious Leadership Podcast Ep. 69, we had Stress, Mindset and Communication Expert, and Personal Coach, Kathy Gruver, PhD, ACC , join us in a conversation on ego states and how we can choose which ego to bring forward.

This conversation was incredibly insightful and, trust me when I say this, you can’t un-hear this information once you’ve learned about it!

What is the difference between Ego and Ego State?

Ego and ego state are two related, yet distinct, psychological concepts that are discussed in the field of psychology.

Your ego refers to the part of the psyche that is responsible for a person’s sense of self and identity. It helps you navigate your environment and make decisions based on your personal values and beliefs. Kathy mentions that the ego can easily get out of control and sabotage us, so your ego is something to be conscious about.

Your ego state, refers to the different states or aspects of the ego that you can exhibit at any given time. These states can be distinguished by their different characteristics, such as emotional tone, the way they think and perceive the world, and the behaviors they exhibit. Ego state work can also be referred to as resource states, parts work, and internal family systems.

It’s important to know that the ego states we are referring to, differ from Elkhart Tolle or Freud’s take on the ego.

Your ego state simply refers to the way you’re different around kids compared to they way you are in a bar or around your parents, etc. Think of ego states as the different hats you wear in different situations.

So how do we get to know our ego states?

How do we figure out how they serve us or how we can serve them?

How can we choose who we want to be, at any given moment?

When are Ego States Formed?

Ego states are often formed in early childhood as a result of interactions with caregivers and other important figures in a person’s life. They are our ways of adapting, protection, and fitting in and they are hardwired in our brain. The reason ego states are formed is because at this age, we don’t have a strong sense of self (self is who we are without an ego state on) and ego states help us fit in.

They can also form/alter/show up later in life as a result of experiences, trauma, and relationships outside of the family.?

It’s important to understand that our ego states can be healthy or unhealthy, and they can have a significant impact on a person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. One’s ego state can be helpful in personal development and in managing difficult emotions and situations that come into you life.

By the time your ego states have formed, you will have upwards to 100 ego states and see 10 to 15 of them most frequently.?

Why Does Knowing your Ego States Matter?

Your ego states matter for a number of reasons. When you know your frequently used ego states, you know yourself more.?

1. It helps you become self-aware and allows you to understand the different parts of yourself that influence your actions and thoughts. You can easily gain a deeper understanding of who you are and how you relate to the world around you .
2. It can help you better regulate your emotions. You can learn to manage your emotions more effectively and respond to difficult situations in a more healthy and adaptive way.
3. Knowing your ego states is beneficial in relationships and communication. By understanding the different aspects of yourself that may be influencing your interactions with others, you can learn to communicate more effectively and build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Kathy says that not knowing your ego states is like walking into a corporation with an all-hands-on-deck meeting, and without knowing anybody, you start handing out tasks. You might have the CEO making copies, the VP making coffee, the tech guy answering the phone, and the receptionist trying to do IT. This is why it’s important to identify your ego states and understand their strengths and weaknesses. When you do this, you allow the right ego states to show up for you at the right time.

What is Self?

Self is who we are without any of our ego states. When we are self, we are balanced between 8 elements, often known as the 8 C’s of Self:

8 C’s of Self

• Compassionate
• Creative
• Courageous
• Clear
• Curious
• Calm
• Confident
• Connected

You can learn to remain in self by practicing meditation and journaling as often as you can. During meditation and journaling, you can teach yourself to operate through trough times while in self.

From this place of self, you get to choose which ego state you want to “put on”, depending on the situation.

As a leader, it’s important to stay responsive and not reactive when a situation comes your way. When you’re responsive, it allows you to communicate and lead clearly.

Being able to remain in self and choose which ego state you want to move forward with will make you a powerful leader, when used in the right ways.

How to Identify Your Ego States

You have upwards of 100 different ego states that play a role in who you are, but we really only see 10 to 15 of them on a regular basis.

I’m sure you’re wondering how you identify them, and it’s quite simple.

Sit down with some paper and write down all the hats you wear, or?“roles” or “parts” you play in life. You may have a manager part, a mom part, an organized part, a sporty part, a rebel part, a worrying part, a vulnerable part, a pleasing part, etc.?

Identify your top 3 ego states that you see most often. For each ego state, identify what they do and/or name them. For example, Kathy calls her organized ego state, Capricorn. It’s important to make sure to give them names that your ego states want to be called, not what you want them to be called.

Once you’ve identified your top 3 egos, identify each of their “positive” and “negative” characteristics (or what it's like when they get out of control). Then identify how they serve you on daily basis.

“All of your ego states are formed for you own good. They are all there to help us. Even the ones that aren’t socially accepted as good.”

The process of working on your ego states can also be referred to as internal family systems, ego state work, parts work, resource state therapy.

Our Ego States Switch Rapidly

Your ego states are constantly changing and easily overtake the way we think.

We’ve all had a conversation in our head that has played out like so: "‘I had a really rough day, I think I’d like ice cream for dinner.’ Then your judge ego state comes out and says ‘Well, you can’t have ice cream for dinner. That's inappropriate and you’re putting on too much weight.’ Then your manager ego state comes out and says ‘Lets talk about this, you’re trying to lose weight for summer.’ Then your shameful kid ego state comes out and says, ‘Wow, I’m a piece of shit, I can’t believe I want ice cream for dinner.’ And then your “happy pig” ego state comes out and the next thing you know, you’re having Haagen Dazs for dinner.”

We are constantly running through ego states on a daily basis. Since our ego states do change rapidly, it’s important to truly understand them so we can control which ego state we bring forward in certain situations.?

Pick your Ego State

The best part about knowing your ego states is that you’re able to choose which ego state you want to show up.

Going back to the topic of Self: you’re going to want to be able to stay in a conscious state where you can express the 8 C's of Self: compassionate, creative, courageous, clear, curious, calm, confident, and connected. When you remain in this pure state of self, you’re able to pick which ego state you want to come forward in any given situation.?

Not only does this give you more control over your response, but it allows you to be a better leader, listener, partner, and more.

For example, you could be talking to someone and they interrupt you. If you sit within self, you’re able to choose which ego state you want to move forward within this situation. You could choose an ego state that speaks up for themselves, or you could choose one that doesn’t mind the interruption and lets it slide.

When you understand your ego states, you’re in control of how you respond to different situations.?

What are Best Practices for Ego States

Knowing your ego states can significantly help you navigate life. The best way to do this is to take the initiative to sit with yourself and identify your ego states.

Identify your top 3 ego state's "positives" and "negatives", this will help you understand how they serve you.

Lastly, give them a name. You may want to name your organized ego state as "manager".

Once you've identified your 3 most used ego states, you can now control the way you show up to certain situations in life.

Do you want to see more of this discussion?

Watch the full episode and discussion here:

Using Ego to Your Advantage | How to Have an Attitude of a Great Leader

Register for our next podcast here:

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