How to Unmask From a Lifetime of Being Someone Else

Masking Without Knowing it

Learning to unmask starts first by understanding what it is and why we do it.?

First, know that we all do mask.?

The problem arises when we don’t know who we are behind the persona we’re pretending to be.?

This can be a little tragic… For example, most people know they have a phone voice and choose to put it on or off depending on who they are talking to. But, do they speak in different accents when talking to an American, a Scouser, a Welsh and cringe as that person then gets excited that they’ve met someone from their hometown!? Yes, I read how not to win friends and influence people… but I was so adept at masking that I was weirding people out without even being conscious of it. And I know I am not the only one who’s voice changes to match others.?

But more than embarrassing, masking can be down right life changing. For example, when a neurodivergent or a victim or trauma agrees with a potential friend or partner’s point of view to fit in or avoid conflict. Only to later find themselves in an abusive situation with no idea who they really are as a person themselves.?

And that’s not all, ever met a member of the LGBTQIA+ community who has bought into the hetronormative and attempted to marry and have children with someone because it’s the ‘done thing’ but not something that brings them pleasure beyond basic joy??

Even people of colour admit to code switching to fit in with white people.?

What is Masking, Why Do We Do It and When Don’t We Know We Are?

Masking is also known as camouflaging, it is a coping strategy - individuals suppress their natural behaviours to conform to social norms. Everyone does it to a certain extent. But to avoid appearing weird and because social norms don’t make sense to us, masking becomes more ingrained and harmful to autistic people’s wellbeing and health.?

Or indeed to anyone who’s under more pressure to hide their true self. There are still 76 countries, yes seventy six, where it is unsafe to be or perceived as being LGBQTIA+.?

But if you mimic social behaviours, learn social scripts, and conceal personal interests to fit in with peers this is a great effort and leads to a loss of self-identity, increased stress, poor mental health and particularly in late diagnosed neurodivergent women lifelong or life limiting pain and autoimmune conditions.?

Yes,? research has shown on a number of occasions that a conflict over expressing pain or not being boundaried over something you don’t want, increases the likelihood of chronic pain.?

In the US alone chronic pain accounts for a loss of $61 billion in productivity every year, here in the UK it’s a cost of ￡400 million to the NHS (paid for by the taxpayer) and figures don’t change in countries like Belgium.

Can anyone afford not to take masking and the need to support people being their authentic self in the workplace seriously???

How Can We Unmask and Support Others to Do the Same

Unmasking is the gradual process of revealing one's authentic self. It can include reconnecting with personal interests, behaviours, and preferences that were previously suppressed. This process can improve mental well-being but should be done in a supportive environment to avoid potential backlash or misunderstanding. The best way to start is to ask yourself, "Who am I?”

You can do this alone or ask close friends and family about your interests and see if you identify with their answers.?

The next step is to act in ways that make you feel comfortable when you’re alone. If you like to sing as you walk, sing. If you prefer to have a silent home, turn off the radio. If you want to snuggle with soft toys, wear high heals, bright clothes or those perceived as being from a different gender. If you want to fantasise about things you're passionate about...

Do it.

Some people may find comfort in flapping their arms, spinning or being weighed down by a blanket. Our blanket is used by the whole family and the kids named it Jeremy. So sometimes I do take a male to bed.?

Later you may consider allowing close people into this experience. You might want to at first talk about what you are trying to do, or not. There may be people in your life that you love being with and yet never want to show parts of yourself too. It is ok to still hide yourself and we mustn’t forget we put the mask there for a reason in the first place! There is the consideration, now you know that masking takes a lot of energy, as to how much time you spend with that person to avoid burnout in the longer term. But I’ll touch on that in a later article.?

To ensure you catch that and all other articles around this huge topic of masking, what it is, when we should do it and how we can stop follow @bemorezebra?

I've been Nicci Lou, a solo parent, AuDHDer, mixed race queer here to help you be your true authentic self. To feel comfortable in your own skin, making your own decisions and laying down your own boundaries. You can't pour from an empty cup. When was the last time you put you first? Get in touch to see how I can help. Prices start from as little as ￡45 a session.