How Unfiltered Are You? A Behavioural Breakdown

I loved Michelle Moreno’s post this week on unfiltered communication. I can certainly speak for myself and say this has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, and frankly continue to learn every day!

It’s something I think we’ve all been through at one time or another. That moment when frustration builds up, and instead of a calm, measured conversation, our thoughts spill out in ways that are unproductive and not particularly helpful,?

But here’s the thing—Michelle’s insight about the need to find a way to express your frustrations is spot on. We all need to vent and be heard. However, what caught my attention wasn’t just the need to speak up, but why we sometimes don’t speak up in the way we intend.?

Or worse, why we express ourselves in ways that escalate the situation.?

Since I’ve never really understood the relevance of feelings and emotions, I try to view the world through behaviours. Stimulus and response.?

It comes down to this one, simple truth.

People do what they’ve been rewarded for in the past.

So lets break it down...

The Reward of Unfiltered Communication

We’ve all seen it. The person who shouts out and speaks their mind without a filter often gets immediate results, even if those results are negative. It could be that they get attention, or maybe they get to feel heard in the moment. They may even get their own more often than not by drowning out others.?

This behaviour is reinforced by past experiences. If someone has been rewarded for being "unfiltered"—whether they’ve gotten more attention, been allowed to express their frustrations, or gotten the result they wanted—they will naturally continue to behave in that way.?

After all, why change a tactic that worked before?

In fact, this reward cycle is the reason why many people stay stuck in unproductive communication patterns. They associate the ‘negative’ or ‘aggressive’ behaviour with positive outcomes—like releasing frustration or “winning” an argument. Then, simply rinse and repeat. Before you know it, it’s a habit.

Imagine this…

You’ve had a stressful shift and your manager drops the ball on an important task. In the past, you might have exploded with frustration. When your manager immediately acknowledged the situation or even tried to ‘fix’ things to avoid the conflict, you started to associate being "unfiltered" with getting what you want.?

Put simply - You got rewarded for being visibly and vocally frustrated. Therefore, you do it again.?

Only thing is, this new habit can escalate the tension rather than resolve it.

The Lack of Immediate Feedback

On the flip side, when someone doesn’t express frustration or feedback in an open, unfiltered way, they often don’t receive the same immediate feedback. The frustration lingers, and there’s no clear resolution.?

People tend to forget that frustration left unspoken can fester, and when it’s held inside, it eventually erupts.?

What happens next??

The person who bottles up their frustration might either blow up in a big way or disengage altogether.?

Neither is effective.

This also stems from a lack of positive reinforcement for the opposite behaviour: thoughtful, calm communication.?

If employees, managers, or colleagues don’t get acknowledged when they express themselves professionally or diplomatically, the natural tendency is to go for the immediate fix—which often looks like unloading frustration in a big, unfiltered way.

I can tell you from experience - it’s not worth it.?

For example…

Let’s say you’ve been holding onto a frustration for a while. You don’t want to say anything because you fear a big argument or don’t feel safe sharing your thoughts. Maybe your boss is more assertive and experienced and you feel as though you ‘lose’ every conversation and are never truly heard.?

You wait for the right time to speak up, but because there’s no history of positive reinforcement for calm and thoughtful conversations, you don’t feel encouraged to do so.?

Instead, the frustration builds, and eventually, you explode or go silent, and no one is the wiser.

In my experience, there tends to be a calmness before the storm.?

The Power of Context and Understanding

Michelle touches on something important when she says, "there is always another side to their story, their context, their position."?

Yet, here’s where behaviour gets tricky.?

If someone has been rewarded for their unfiltered, emotionally-driven communication in the past, they might not be as open to understanding someone else’s perspective.?

Why??

Because they are used to their own voice being the loudest, the most rewarded.

But when we take a step back and actively listen—when we lean into curiosity and ask questions instead of just reacting—we can start breaking those old patterns.?

This shift is how we move from reactive, "unfiltered" communication to something more productive and beneficial for everyone involved.?

It's about creating an environment where feedback is not feared or punished, but instead seen as an opportunity to grow together.

Picture this for a moment…

A team member is angry about a decision made by management.?

In the past, their anger was expressed through yelling or sarcasm, which created tension but ultimately got them some attention or a quick answer.?

But in an environment where team members are encouraged to communicate thoughtfully, even when frustrated, they learn that expressing concern calmly and openly gets them a far more thoughtful response.?

The cycle of aggression breaks down because now there’s a better reward: understanding and change.

What Happens When You’re Not Rewarding Healthy Communication?

Let’s go back to the question: Why do people do what they do??

It’s because they’ve been rewarded for displaying certain behaviours at certain times. They have learned.

Even if those behaviours and lessons aren’t always helpful in the long run.

If we want our teams to express themselves thoughtfully, listen actively, and resolve conflicts with understanding rather than escalation, we must reward these behaviours.?

That means praising calm communication, encouraging self-reflection, and offering feedback in a way that builds trust.?

If we neglect this, we risk creating an environment where poor communication and frustration reign, and that is not a recipe for success.

So, How Can We Change the Game?

Here’s the key: instead of punishing or ignoring unfiltered behaviour, we need to reward and reinforce positive alternatives.

This means actively reinforcing the behaviours we want to see: thoughtful dialogue, active listening, and respectful disagreement. It’s about creating a culture where everyone knows they are heard—without the emotional chaos that can result from unfiltered communication.

By taking a moment to acknowledge and reward calm communication, we help our teams understand that there’s a better way to be heard, a more effective way to make a change, and a more positive way to engage with one another.

In a nutshell, it’s about consciously rewarding the behaviour that gets the results we want: connection, understanding, and mutual respect.

My Final Thoughts

So, next time you're faced with a situation that’s frustrating you, take a moment to ask yourself:

What have I been rewarded for in the past?

And what would happen if I tried something different?

And if you find yourself slipping into those old, "unfiltered" habits, don’t beat yourself up. It’s all part of the process of shifting towards healthier, more productive communication patterns.?

Just remember, the next time you want to blow up, you’ve got another choice—and that choice could change everything for the better.

Ciao, x