How to Understand Yourself and Others Better with the Four Tendencies Framework

Have you ever wondered why some people are more motivated by deadlines, while others need more freedom and choice? Why some people follow the rules, while others question or resist them? Why some people can easily stick to their goals, while others struggle to meet their own expectations?

If you have, then you might be interested in learning about the Four Tendencies framework, a personality system developed by bestselling author and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin. In her book “The Four Tendencies”, she explains how we can use this framework to understand ourselves and others better, and how we can use this knowledge to improve our lives and relationships.

What are the Four Tendencies?

The Four Tendencies framework is based on one simple question: How do I respond to expectations?

We all face two kinds of expectations: outer expectations (such as deadlines, requests, or rules) and inner expectations (such as resolutions, goals, or desires). Depending on how we respond to these expectations, we can be classified into four types of tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels.

• Upholders respond readily to both outer and inner expectations. They are self-motivated, disciplined, and reliable. They like to follow the rules and meet their deadlines. They value clarity, structure, and consistency. However, they can also be rigid, perfectionist, and inflexible. They may have trouble adapting to change or being spontaneous.
• Questioners question all expectations. They only meet an expectation if they think it makes sense. They are driven by reason, logic, and curiosity. They like to research, analyze, and optimize. They value efficiency, effectiveness, and evidence. However, they can also be skeptical, stubborn, and indecisive. They may have trouble trusting others or accepting authority.
• Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. They are responsive, responsible, and cooperative. They like to please others and meet their obligations. They value teamwork, service, and accountability. However, they can also be resentful, overwhelmed, and burned out. They may have trouble saying no or setting boundaries.
• Rebels resist all expectations, both outer and inner. They are independent, creative, and authentic. They like to do what they want, when they want. They value freedom, choice, and self-expression. However, they can also be defiant, unpredictable, and frustrating. They may have trouble following instructions or committing to anything.

Why does it matter?

Knowing your tendency can help you make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively in work and in life. You can also use this framework to understand other people’s perspectives and motivations better, and communicate with them more effectively.

For example:

• If you are an Upholder who works with a Rebel colleague, you might find their behavior frustrating or disrespectful. You might think they are lazy or irresponsible. However, if you understand that Rebels value freedom and choice more than anything else, you might try to give them more autonomy and flexibility in their work. You might also appeal to their identity or values instead of imposing rules or expectations on them.
• If you are a Questioner who lives with an Obliger partner, you might find their behavior confusing or inconsistent. You might think they are too dependent on others or lack self-control. However, if you understand that Obligers need external accountability more than anything else, you might try to help them create systems or structures that support their inner goals. You might also show them appreciation and recognition for their efforts instead of questioning their choices.
• If you are an Obliger who has a Questioner boss, you might find their behavior annoying or intrusive. You might think they are too demanding or critical. However, if you understand that Questioners need justification more than anything else, you might try to provide them with clear reasons and evidence for your actions or proposals. You might also anticipate their questions and address them proactively instead of feeling defensive or offended.
• If you are a Rebel who has an Upholder friend, you might find their behavior boring or restrictive. You might think they are too rigid or conventional. However, if you understand that Upholders need clarity more than anything else, you might try to respect their plans and routines without interfering with them. You might also acknowledge their achievements and accomplishments instead of mocking or challenging them.

How can I learn more?

If you want to learn more about the Four Tendencies framework and how it can help you improve your life and relationships,

• You can take the online quiz to discover your tendency.
• You can read the book “The Four Tendencies” by Gretchen Rubin for more insights and examples.
• You can watch "Rebel, Upholder, Questioner, Obliger which one are you?" on Gretchen Rubin YouTube channel. to see how they use their strengths and overcome their challenges.
• You can download the Happier app to get personalised recommendations for habit-change strategies based on your tendency.

How can I apply it to my life?

If you are curious about how you can apply the Four Tendencies framework to your own life, here are some practical tips and suggestions for each tendency:

• If you are an Upholder, you can use your tendency to your advantage by setting clear and realistic goals for yourself and following through with them. You can also use calendars, lists, schedules, or trackers to monitor your progress and stay on track. However, you should also be careful not to overcommit yourself or neglect your own needs. You should also be open to change and flexibility when necessary, and allow yourself some room for fun and spontaneity.
• If you are a Questioner, you can use your tendency to your advantage by seeking information and evidence that support your decisions and actions. You can also use research, analysis, or optimization tools to improve your efficiency and effectiveness. However, you should also be careful not to get stuck in analysis paralysis or endless research. You should also be respectful of other people’s opinions and authority, and avoid being too critical or argumentative.
• If you are an Obliger, you can use your tendency to your advantage by finding external accountability for your inner expectations. You can also use partners, groups, coaches, mentors, or deadlines to motivate yourself and keep yourself accountable. However, you should also be careful not to overextend yourself or neglect your own needs. You should also learn to say no and set boundaries when necessary, and avoid being too dependent or resentful.
• If you are a Rebel, you can use your tendency to your advantage by embracing your freedom and choice. You can also use your identity and values to guide your actions and goals. However, you should also be careful not to harm yourself or others with your resistance or defiance. You should also learn to cooperate and compromise when necessary, and avoid being too unpredictable or frustrating.

I hope you enjoyed this newsletter and found it useful. If you did, please share it with your network and let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you.

Until next time, stay happy and healthy!