How to Turn Your Expectations Into Standards

Third in a three-part series.

In part one of this series, I discussed Why Expectations Are Unhealthy, both in our lives and workplaces. In part two, I shifted focus to Why Standards Are Healthier than Expectations.

The purpose of this article, part three, is to share some thoughts on how we can turn expectations into standards to enjoy healthier relationships in our life and career. And if you're already the type of person who doesn't have expectations but are intrigued by the idea of setting standards, you can use the same steps.

Before I get to that, here's a summary of the differences between expectations and standards (for detail, please see parts one and two).

Within these three buckets are countless differences. And the more I continue to think about standards, the more distinctions I uncover (in fact, two new ones came to me while writing this article alone).

FROM EXPECTATION TO STANDARD

I've already argued that expectations aren't as healthy as standards in our relationships. Assuming that's the case, how can we convert one into the other?

What follows is my current list of three steps (they're constantly evolving ;-) that I believe are necessary to set standards. After the three steps, I'll dive into some expectations that people shared with me, showing how you can apply the steps to turn them into standards.

The first step in converting an expectation to a standard is asking "why do I have this expectation?"

I have found that many expectations in relationships are driven by a sense of ego or self-importance: desire, power, seniority, hierarchy, etc. Each of these align with a lack of empathy, the fundamental reason I believe expectations are unhealthy. The good news is that there's hope. If we continue asking "why?" we can get to the root answer, and I believe that it's often aligned with our personal values.

In part one, I shared a common expectation employees have of managers: to receive feedback, mentorship, and training. If I'm an employee, I expect that from my manager for me, to help me get better at my job and prepare me for my future. It's aligned with my ego.

My first attempt at "why?" might result in things like ambition, a promotion, higher salary, etc. But when I keep asking "why?" I might land on an answer like securing my family's future, or lifelong learning, or having impact, or fulfilling my parents' dreams. While these are certainly about me again, they're less associated with self-importance and more so with personal values.

Answering "why?" helps transition to the next step.

In addition to answering "why?" this step requires a mindset shift. When we set expectations in our relationships, they're for other people...we believe the responsibility is theirs to meet our expectations. On the other hand, when we set standards, the responsibility to meet them becomes ours.

This is far easier to accomplish when we've succeeded with step one. If we effectively uncover a personal value by continuing to ask "why?" it automatically becomes our responsibility. Few, if any, people would argue that other people are responsible for helping us live our values.

Let's go back to the example of expecting my manager to give me feedback, mentorship, and training.

If I've decided that the true reason for that expectation is related to one of my values (family's future, lifelong learning, etc.), I'm able to easily transfer the responsibility from my manager to me. No one is able to help me live out any of those values more than I can. Taking responsibility for what I want is a necessary step in moving from expectation to standard.

If expectations are abstract and subjective, the way to turn them into standards is to be concrete and objective. Being concrete means that we get specific with articulating the standard, and being objective means we get specific with measuring its achievement.

Back to our example of receive feedback, mentorship, and training. In steps one and two, I've asked myself "why?" and shifted the responsibility to me. Now it's time to get specific.

If I'm the employee, I might say to my manager, "I'd like to set a standard of meeting monthly so I can ask you for feedback about my performance, bring questions to you to help me grow in my role and career, and get your permission/thoughts on different training and development ideas I have."

See how that is totally different from "receive feedback, mentorship, and training"? The responsibility falls on me, not my manager. It's far more specific and concrete. And it's objective because I'll know whether or not I met the standard based on my preparation, holding the meeting, and ensuring all three items were discussed with my manager.

(There are beautiful possibilities when we set standards like this. First, after I've held a few of these meetings with my manager, it's possible that they will begin holding similar meetings with their other direct reports; I could effectively inspire them to become a better manager. Second, when I become a manager, I am likely going to set a standard to proactively hold such meetings with each of my team members. And third, all those team members who have been on the receiving end learn an effective way to give/get feedback, mentorship, and training, creating a lovely ripple effect. In other words, standards can scale...expectations can't).

So there you have it, three steps to turn expectations into standards.

REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES

Ok, let's apply these ideas and theories to actual expectations.

At the end of part two in this series, I asked readers to share specific expectations they have which they'd like to turn into standards, especially ones they believe are particularly difficult.

What follows are three different expectations people submitted (and, based on my experience, are probably common) and then the application of the steps above. Each application is simply one illustration of how to follow the three steps; by no means do I believe they are the best, or only, way to convert the expectations into standards. There are countless ways to do it.

EXPECTATION 1:

1. Start with "why?"

If you are this person, examples of your "why?" could be that you want acknowledgment, credit, or to feel good when you help someone or do a favor. If you continue to ask "why?" and dig deeper for one of your personal values, you might realize that the value underlying the expectation is being helpful, connecting others, being a good friend, or having impact.

2. Transfer responsibility to you.

If you want gratitude, then take the responsibility to seek it. For example, when they ask for help or a favor, tell them that you'll do it as long as they follow up with the outcome. And if they don't after a few weeks, you can take the initiative to follow up. I believe that, most of the time, they will actually tell you what happened and, in all likelihood, express their gratitude.

Remember, it's your personal value of being helpful, connecting others, etc. so the only way to live that value is to take responsibility for it.

3. Be specific with setting and meeting the standard.

This one's simple: the expression of gratitude must take some form of written or verbal communication to you. And since you've made it clear you don't want a "quickie text" for a "big help" (which itself is abstract and subjective, and a condition I would remove to simplify things), you can set a specific measure for meeting the standard as a phone call, email, or personal note in which some form of "thanks" or "gratitude" or "appreciation" is included. One caveat here is that everyone expresses gratitude in their own way so empathy is required, in my opinion.

The Standard: When I'm asked for help that I can fulfill, I'll learn of the outcome through a phone call, email, or personal note from the other person. This may require my own follow-up, and I'll know the standard is met if they express gratitude in some way.

EXPECTATION 2:

1. Start with "why?"

Examples of your "why?" with this expectation could be that it's the right thing to do, that you do this yourself so others should, ensuring promises are fulfilled, etc. Digging into personal values, you might uncover something more substantive: building relationships of integrity, helping people learn virtuous behaviors, or something related to your moral compass.

2. Transfer responsibility to you.

Admittedly, this one can be tougher because of empathy; we don't always know why someone didn't remember or honor their agreement. Putting that aside, it becomes easier by doing two things: first, asking them when the agreement is made what their deadline is; and second, following up with them as the deadline approaches. In fact, I'm such a big believer in doing that that we practice this at The Junto Institute.

In certain client relationships or meetings, we ask them to set action items, essentially agreements, and then schedule the next meeting. We take it upon ourselves to send a reminder before that session, at which time we ask them to report on the outcome.

3. Be specific with setting and meeting the standard.

If you want people to remember and honor their agreements, you can set a standard for the former but the latter is more challenging, especially if the agreement is complex in nature. In this case, you can get specific by asking for a target date when the agreement is set, putting that in writing in some way, calling or emailing them a few days/weeks before that date, and if there's no response to that, following up again after the target date. And you'll know if the standard is met based on their response; they're likely going to tell you what happened.

Sounds like work, right? Yes, it is, because it's your standard.

The Standard: When someone makes an agreement, I'll help them remember and honor it by setting a deadline, following up with them beforehand and, if I don't hear from them, soon after the date has passed. I'll know if the standard is met based on their response or their own follow-up.

EXPECTATION 3:

1. Start with "why?"

This expectation comes up a lot in my work so I'm more familiar with common answers to the "why?" question: showing respect, honoring/not wasting my time, listening to me, not being distracting, etc. Once again, however, we want to keep asking "why?" so we get to our personal values. Similar to the first two expectations, this one could be building strong relationships, being emotionally intelligent, inspiring others to grow, etc.

2. Transfer responsibility to you.

To me, two things matter with this step: definition and role modeling. If you want others to be present, I believe you must communicate to them what that means to you because there's no single definition, and do so early in the relationship, before or at the first meeting. When role-modeling, not only does that provide an example to the other person, it demonstrates your integrity, and also increases the likelihood of "mirroring," a natural human response in our interactions which helps build connections.

3. Be specific with setting and meeting the standard.

By now, you might actually know how to do this. ;-)

To be specific in setting the standard for being present, you could include things like arriving early, putting phones away and on vibrate, making eye contact, using non-verbals to communicate when the other person is speaking, and so on. To be specific in meeting the standard requires some communication with yourself and/or the other person. Perhaps you look for their behaviors and even make note of them. Better yet, you debrief how the meeting went, whether each person felt present and was perceived to be present, etc.

Because this is a standard I have in my personal life, and one that we have had at Junto for our entire history, my experience is that this one is scalable in a big way.

The Standard: To ensure people are present in my company, I'll tell them what it means to me in advance and ensure I practice those behaviors myself. I'll know if the standard was met based on a personal or mutual evaluation, and perhaps even my notes of what I observed.

IN CLOSING

Again, I want to emphasize that there are countless ways to set standards for each of these expectations. I also need to say that my thinking on this topic is evolving daily; for me, none of this is truth yet except that standards are healthier than expectations.

I appreciate you for reading this rather long article, appreciate you even more if you read parts one and two (or any of the others), and hope you'll share thoughts, reactions, or questions in the comments section below.