How Truly Intelligent People Deal With Criticism: They Don't Do This
Justin Bariso
Founder & Principal at EQ Applied | Management Thinker & Doer | Emotional Intelligence Student & Teacher | Inc. and TIME Contributor
(This is the second article in a series. Don't miss the first part: How Emotionally Intelligent People Handle Criticism: The New York Times vs. Thomas Keller.)
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
In an early leadership role many years ago, I experienced an exchange I'll never forget. I chastised a team member (we'll call him David) for a major blunder. My point was valid, but I'm sure I could have delivered it better. David's response was quick and cutting: "You know, you're the kind of manager the rest of us hate."
Ouch.
None of us enjoy getting criticized. It's human nature to enjoy being right and feel a sense of hurt when we're wrong. The thing is, we all need criticism. We may be drawn to like-minded people, but it's those who disagree with us, who call us out, and help us discover our weaknesses and flaws, who truly help us grow.
Yes, the ones who challenge us make us better.
How EQ helps
Emotional intelligence involves the ability to recognize and understand your emotions, and to use that information to guide decision making.
There are times when you shouldn't listen to criticism--for example, when it's based on falsehood or given in a way that's meant to destroy your sense of self-worth.
But in reality, that's not usually the case. And although I encourage delivering criticism in a way that's constructive and helpful (I've come a long way since that first management position), these points are important when we're giving criticism.
When we're on the receiving end of criticism, our goal should be to learn from the feedback, and not let emotion close our minds. The key is to be proactive, not reactive. (I discuss this further in part one of this series.)
That being said, what reactions do emotionally intelligent people try to avoid when they're criticized?
They don't minimize the problem.
When receiving criticism, your first instinct might be to think: Is it really that big of a deal?
Maybe it is, or maybe it isn't. For the person who brought it to your attention, it was. And you can be sure it will be for others, too.
Remember: When you're striving for excellence, the small stuff matters.
They don't rationalize.
As a young teen, when Dad came home and asked why I hadn't taken the garbage out, I would respond:
"Well, I kind of took the garbage out. See, it's right next to the door. I was planning on dumping it in a few minutes."
It didn't help then, and it doesn't help now.
They don't make excuses.
If someone has the courage to tell you your presentation stunk, don't waste time explaining that you needed more time to prepare or you didn't know who your audience would be.
Instead, ask why it stunk. Then listen carefully.
They don't justify themselves.
OK, this one comes with a caveat. Obviously, you shouldn't automatically take the fall for something you didn't do, and there are circumstances when you'll need to defend yourself.
But in general, keeping a learning mindset when it comes to criticism will bring the most benefit. When you see yourself as right all of the time, you're missing something.
They don't sidestep the issue.
Politicians and spin doctors are experts at this. But refusing to tackle issues head-on is not only bad form, it's also self-defeating.
The first step in improving any weakness: Recognize that it's there.
They don't shift the blame.
For some people, it's always the other guy's fault. But guess what? Those individuals usually end up pretty lonely.
We can't control others, but we can work on ourselves. When we accept criticism, apply it, and move forward, not only do we benefit--but others benefit from our example.
Putting it into practice
Let's go back to that opening story. Although I learned a major lesson that day, we could argue that David didn't respond with great EQ. But I took his words to heart, asked him why he felt the way he did, and learned from his honesty.
Because I did, he apologized and learned from his mistake as well.
And therein lies the moral: Nobody's perfect; we won't always respond in the best way possible.
But if you work at controlling yourself and your emotions, every situation becomes a chance to learn and grow--just like that one from years ago did...
For David and me both.
What do you think? Can these techniques help you to grow from criticism, even when it's delivered poorly? Did I miss anything? Look forward to reading your comments.
Image credit: Photo by Flickr user "Heather", all rights reserved via CC
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As an author and one of LinkedIn's Top Voices, I share my thoughts on management best practices and organizational culture weekly. If you're interested in reading my free monthly newsletter, click here or contact me via email using jbariso[at]insight-global.de. (Or feel free to follow me on LinkedIn or on Twitter @JustinJBariso.)
I also write for Inc. and TIME. Some other articles you might enjoy:
Leadership Development, Influence, Emotional Intelligence, Developing High Performance Teams
8 年People who are unable to listen to and learn from criticism will not only miss opportunities to improve, they will negatively impact business and personal relationships. ?Others will come to see them as defensive, stubborn, or uninvested in the relationship. ?All of these points are important to remember when we're criticized. ?
Life Long Learner | People Focused | Data Driven
8 年I'm guessing you already have, but if you haven't, please read Patrick Lencioni - "Five Dysfunctions of a Team". Basically, he says you have to build trust, so people feel comfortable receiving and giving criticism.
Customer Success, Net Revenue Growth and Fun @Gocardless ?? DISC Coaching
8 年Awesome article Justin Bariso. I love this one "Remember: When you're striving for excellence, the small stuff matters."
Territory Sales Manager at Data Innovations LLC
8 年Such great insight. What I like most about this idea is that it is just as effective in personal/family relationships. I often catch myself putting more effort into my relationships at work than I do at home. I'm certain if I take your advise when it comes to receiving criticism as well as when offering it, my most important relationships, which are with family, will drastically improve. Thank you Justin Bariso for the poignant reminder to act like an adult.
B2B Specialist | Market Research | Book Author
8 年be a good listener is important thing to do