How to be Truly Heard with Tamsen Webster

In episode 57 , Messager Master, Tamsen Webster, MA, MBA discusses the pivotal role of effective messaging in achieving transformational change. She explores the dichotomy of messaging from recent political conventions, and the importance of framing messages positively. Tamsen delves into the science behind persuasion, the necessity of aligning with shared values, and the broader implications of these principles in both personal and professional spheres. The conversation emphasizes the potential of strategic communication to foster meaningful and sustainable change, urging listeners to adopt a more thoughtful and empathetic approach to messaging.

Crafting Messages That Stick: What I Learned from Tamsen Webster About Saying What They Can’t Unhear

In a world flooded with information, we’re all trying to get our messages across. But how often do those messages stick? I’ve always been fascinated by what makes some messages resonate deeply, while others fade into the background. That’s why my recent conversation with Tamsen Webster on the Happy Space Podcast was such a game-changer for me.

Tamsen is the author of Finding Your Red Thread: Make Your Ideas Irresistible and her latest book, Say What You Can’t Unhear: Nine Principles for Lasting Change. She’s a master at helping people and organizations craft messages that aren’t just heard, but truly remembered—messages that create change.

This couldn’t have come at a better time. With the 2024 U.S. election around the corner and so much political and social division everywhere you look, the way we communicate feels more important than ever. As Tamsen and I dug into the principles behind her work, I found myself reflecting on how we can all become more effective in persuading others—not through manipulation or clever tricks, but through genuine, lasting connection.

Why Being Understood Feels So Urgent Right Now

One thing that struck me during our conversation was how relevant Tamsen’s work is at this moment. As the political landscape becomes more polarized, it’s easy to see how quickly people shut down or unfriend others who don’t share their values. I’ve noticed it in my own social circles—people retreating into echo chambers rather than engaging in meaningful conversations.

Tamsen’s approach offers a solution to this problem. It’s not just for marketers or politicians; it’s for anyone who wants to communicate in a way that moves the needle. We’ve all had moments where we needed to change someone’s mind or at least get them to consider a new perspective. Whether it’s a difficult conversation with a family member, convincing a colleague at work, or leading a movement, her principles apply.

The idea behind Say What You Can’t Unhear is simple but powerful: craft a message so compelling that it sticks with people, even after the conversation ends. But what makes something unhearable? According to Tamsen, it’s about anchoring your message in shared beliefs and making sure the listener feels safe enough to engage with what you’re saying.

Sharing the Risk: One Key to Persuasion

One of the most valuable takeaways from our talk was the concept of flipping the risk. It’s something I’ve never really thought about before, but now it seems obvious. Tamsen explained that when we try to persuade others, we often expect them to take on all the risk of change. We’re basically saying, “Trust me, it’ll work out,” without fully addressing the concerns or fears they might have.

But here’s the thing—an anxious brain can’t think rationally. When people are afraid or overwhelmed, their ability to process new information shuts down. That’s why fear-based messaging doesn’t work long-term. Sure, it might create an immediate reaction, but it doesn’t lead to lasting change. And that’s what really matters, right?

Tamsen flipped this idea on its head for me. Instead of asking others to take on the risk, she suggests we shoulder more of it ourselves. By addressing people’s concerns upfront and showing them how we’ve considered the risks, we create a space where they feel comfortable exploring the change we’re proposing. As she put it, “If you believe enough in the change, you need to be willing to state your case clearly and show why it’s worth the risk.”

It’s such a subtle shift, but it makes all the difference. Whether you’re pitching a new idea at work or trying to have a difficult conversation at home, flipping the risk puts the other person at ease and makes them more open to what you’re saying.

Storytelling as a Tool for Change

As someone who’s always believed in the power of stories, I loved how Tamsen emphasized storytelling as a critical part of change communication. She pointed out that effective stories aren’t just interesting—they act as arguments for a certain point of view. Think about the classic stories we all know, like Aesop’s fables. Each one ends with a moral, a lesson that stays with you long after the story is over.

In her book, Tamsen explains that the most persuasive messages are those that align with what people already believe. If you want someone to accept a new idea, you have to connect it to their existing beliefs and values. This was such an “aha” moment for me because it’s easy to forget that people are more likely to accept change when it feels consistent with their worldview.

One thing Tamsen cautioned against is framing messages solely around solving problems. When we do this, we unintentionally close people off to new ideas. A problem-focused narrative puts the brain in “fix/not fix” mode, limiting the range of options someone can consider. Instead, she suggests focusing on what can be gained—what opportunities are available on the other side of the challenge. This positive framing engages the brain’s optimism bias, making people more open to considering different solutions.

Ego’s Place in Persuasion

One of the hardest parts of trying to persuade someone is keeping your ego in check. I know I’ve struggled with this. When I believe in something strongly, it’s easy to want to push harder, to insist on being right. But Tamsen reminded me that ego is often the enemy of persuasion. The more we focus on “winning” an argument, the more likely we are to lose the other person’s attention.

Tamsen has learned to approach persuasion with patience. She’s willing to “lose a battle to win the war,” meaning she’s okay with stepping back and rethinking her approach if her message doesn’t land the first time. This is a mindset I want to cultivate more in my own life—being less attached to being right and more focused on helping the other person see the value in what I’m saying.

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to dominate the conversation or overpower someone with facts. It’s about creating a space where they feel comfortable enough to change their mind. That requires empathy, curiosity, and a willingness to take a backseat to the bigger idea.

The Role of Beliefs in Lasting Change

Another big takeaway for me was the role that beliefs play in making change stick. Tamsen pointed out that we all have what she calls “primal beliefs”—deeply ingrained ideas about how the world works. These beliefs shape everything from how we interpret new information to how we make decisions. If your message clashes with someone’s primal beliefs, no amount of logic or reasoning is going to convince them.

But here’s the interesting part: primal beliefs aren’t unchangeable. You just have to approach them the right way. Instead of trying to force someone to abandon their existing beliefs, Tamsen suggests building your message on shared beliefs. Start with what they already agree with, then slowly build from there.

This reminded me of conversations I’ve had where I’ve tried to argue someone out of a deeply held belief—unsuccessfully, of course. Tamsen’s approach is more about finding common ground and gently expanding on it, rather than trying to bulldoze over someone’s worldview.

Fear and Pain Aren’t the Way Forward

One of the things Tamsen and I discussed was the idea that fear and pain are not sustainable motivators for change. Sure, they might get people to act in the short term, but over time, people grow tired of feeling anxious or fearful. If you want to create long-term change, you have to inspire people to act because they want to, not because they feel like they have to.

This really resonated with me. We’ve all experienced times when we’ve been pushed into doing something out of fear, whether it’s taking on a new project at work or changing a habit at home. But those changes rarely last. Tamsen’s point is that true, lasting change comes from aligning with people’s values and giving them a story they can tell themselves—one that they’ll keep believing in over time.

Final Thoughts: Creating Messages That Inspire

Talking with Tamsen Webster was an eye-opening experience. Her approach to messaging isn’t just about crafting a catchy slogan or winning an argument—it’s about creating the conditions for people to change on their own terms. By flipping the risk, anchoring messages in shared beliefs, and using stories as arguments, she’s found a way to make ideas stick in a way that feels authentic and lasting.

For me, this conversation was a reminder that effective communication is as much about listening and understanding as it is about speaking. If we want to inspire change—whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or society—we need to focus on saying what people can’t unhear. That means crafting messages that resonate deeply, not just in the moment, but long after the conversation is over.

Thank you for spending time here.

ps. Here again is the link again to register for Happy Space Hot Topics and the Zoom after parties. I look forward to seeing you there.

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