How (Not) to Treat Coworkers – Part 2

? Dan Curtis 2018

Having become an instant expert in coworker relations since the last article, read here to advance into mastery of workplace behavior. If you skipped part one, tsk, tsk! Go back. One cannot become a master without first attaining the skills of an expert.

Correlation: Volume = Importance

• Loud noise attracts attention and therefore signifies greater importance than the average conversation. If you want to win at the game of “climb the corporate ladder,” then displays of dominance are a must. To start, help coworkers learn their place by shouting announcements or asking questions loudly, especially while they are speaking to someone else or on the phone.
• At random times, use an industrial coffee grinder or diesel-powered pencil sharpener while at your desk. Alternately, insist on parking your motorcycle next to your desk, riding it into and out of the office each day. Sneezing or coughing at 105 decibels (or more) is a reasonable substitute.
• Demolishing your workstation with a jackhammer and power tools during office hours, then remodeling to suit your personal style will instantly vault you into consideration for leadership.
• Wearing flip-flops or noisy shoes to work will always raise awareness of your presence, a crucial component of establishing the upper hand in the workplace. In carpeted offices, you may need to attach bells or spurs to your boots. After all, how will they prepare for a suitable amount of groveling if they cannot hear you approaching?

Punctuality vs. Tardiness

• Your time is more important than that of the peons who have the good fortune of calling themselves your coworkers. Give them the hint, and arrive 15 to 60 minutes late each day. If at first they are slow to understand, then take 2-hour lunch breaks without explanation. Should this second step not elicit any acknowledgement of your superiority from colleagues, then leave early and/or at various intervals throughout the day. This will leave the workplace abuzz with recognition of your worth.
• Reschedule meetings without notice or arrive whenever you wish, if at all. Do great white sharks congregate in schools for safety like other fish? No, they only join other fish when they want to feast on them! If you aim to be at the top of the food chain, then act like it.

Exercise of Power

• No one gets anywhere at work without stepping on the backs of those beneath them. Take advantage of every opportunity to assert even the slightest authority and to lower the position of coworkers. Berate them for the most trivial missteps. Shouting at them is a true display of mastery, combining two steps at once. It is common knowledge that the person screaming is the one who has everything under control. Keep in mind that disparaging comments spoken under the breath are commendable yet much less effective.
• Micromanage at all times. Have a process for everything, including visits to the lavatory and sign-out sheets for use of pens and other office supplies. Allow zero deviations and enforce strict fines/penalties. When employees are given an inch, they take a mile. A true master never trusts the day-to-day operation of a respected business to the discretion of a mere employee.
• Why waste valuable time fostering an attractive corporate culture? Install robots to replace workers whenever possible.

Intentional Miscommunication

• Nothing establishes dominance like playing mind games. Using phrases like, “You really think they said that? You completely misunderstood,” or, “No, the deadline was yesterday,” will leave them begging for your advice, coming back for more and more enlightenment like addicts seeking a fix.
• Leave expectations unspoken. This way, performance reviews are like opening Christmas presents—a complete surprise.

Disclaimer: (is this really necessary?)

Please understand this article as portraying the opposite of good conduct. Do not attempt to follow its advice.

#corporateculture #humor #coworkers