How Tragedy, Pain and Loss Can Transform You, and Renew Your Purpose in Life

An Interview with Scarlett Lewis, Who’s Son Jesse was Murdered in the Sandy Hook School Shooting Massacre

On December 14, 2012, 20-year-old Adam Lanza murdered 26 people, including 20 children between six and seven years old, and six adult staff members at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Before driving to the school, Adam shot and killed his mother at their Newtown home. As first responders arrived at the school, Lanza committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. One of the children that Lanza shot and killed was six-year-old Jesse Lewis.

The Sandy Hook School shooting remains the deadliest mass shooting at either a primary or secondary school in U.S. history, is the second-deadliest U.S. school shooting overall, and is the fourth-deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history,

According to Marilyn A. Mendoza, Ph.D., in her 2016 article in Psychology Today, she said, “Grief can vary depending on how the child died. … For parents who have lost a child, the pain is indescribable. They suffer depression, anger, guilt, despair and loneliness. Even years later, I have moms say they cannot wait until they die so they can see their child again.”

In this interview with Scarlett Lewis, the Founder and Chief Movement Officer of the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement, she reveals the transition from being a mother who suffered the tragic loss of her six year old son, Jesse, in the Sandy Hook Elementary School Massacre. Jesse helped nine of his classmates escape before being shot and killed in this horrible tragedy. Instead of anger and resentment, Scarlett chose forgiveness and love, inspired the a message that Jesse left on his chalk board before going to school that morning: Nurturing Healing Love. To learn more about the Choose Love Movement, click here.

Patrick: This is Patrick Henry, the CEO of QuestFusion, with The Real Deal…What Matters. On December 14th, 2012, 20-year-old Adam Lanza murdered 26 people including 20 children, between the ages of six and seven years old, and six adult staff members at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Before driving to school, Adam shot and killed his mother at their Newtown home.

As first responders arrived at school, Lanza committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. One of the children that Lanza shot and killed was six-year-old Jesse Lewis. The Sandy Hook School shooting remains the deadliest mass shooting at either a primary or secondary school in United States history. It’s the second deadliest school shooting ever overall and the fourth deadliest mass shooting in US history.

Jesse Lewis — Hero and Victim of the Sandy Hook School Shooting

According to Marilyn Mendoza PhD in her 2016 article in Psychology Today, she said, “Grief for the parent can vary depending upon how the child died. For parents to have lost a child, the pain is indescribable. They suffer depression, anger, guilt, despair, and loneliness. Even years later, I have moms say that they cannot wait until they die so they can see their child again.”

Scarlett and Jesse Lewis

I’m talking today with Jesse’s mom, Scarlett Lewis, who has graciously agreed to share some of her story with us. Scarlett is the Founder and Chief Movement Officer of the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement. Obviously, this is a difficult and challenging topic. In overcoming adversity and leadership through adversity, I think some of the things that Scarlett is doing with her program are very timely, especially in the days of the COVID-19 virus. Welcome, Scarlett.

Scarlett: Thank you, Patrick. It’s nice to be here.

Patrick: We’re focusing here on growing through adversity. This is a traumatic thing for any parent to go through. It breaks my heart. Give us a little bit of background.

Scarlett: I think that we are shaped and molded by the difficulties, challenges, and roadblocks that we face in our lives. We can either resist, avoid, and fear them or we can choose to grow from them. With that being said, having your six-year-old son murdered in his first-grade classroom is quite an adversity. I chose not to be another victim. I knew that if I stayed in hatred, resentment, and anger, the very troubled young man, and former student of Sandy Hook Elementary, whose mother had taught at the school, would have control over my thoughts that impact my feelings, that would then impact my behavior.

I absolutely did not want to do that. I had a 12-year-old son as well at the time. I wanted to model for him what resilience and post-traumatic growth looked like. I knew that everything that came out of my mouth, every gesture, every word, was something he was absorbing and taking in. I was teaching him how to handle adversity going forward in his life. I think that helped me rise to the occasion and strengthen me as well.

Patrick: That’s amazing. I saw a short video on your website that tore me up. One of the things that I saw was that Jesse left a message in the morning before school on his board, that said ‘nurturing healing love’. Can you talk to me about that and how it’s shaped your purpose going forward?

Nurturing Healing Love

Scarlett: I found that message after he died. He phonetically spelled “nurturing healing love.” I remember seeing that and knowing instantly that, if the shooter had been able to give and receive nurturing healing love, that the tragedy would never have happened. It’s as simple as that. I knew from that moment going forward that the purpose of my life was to spread that message. I knew the first place I had to get that message was in schools. That has driven my mission and my movement for the past seven years.

Patrick: Tell me about the formula that you use, and the resources that you have available, in the Choose Love Movement, both for schools as well as for the workplace.

Scarlett: We have next-generation lifespan social and emotional character development all the way from pre-natal, toddler, K through 12th grade, homes and communities, and recently a workplace program. I don’t think any other organization offers that. It’s all based around this powerful and profound formula for choosing love in any situation, circumstance or interaction. The thought is, you can’t always choose what happens to you in life, but you can always choose how you thoughtfully respond. You can always respond with love.

This formula can lead you to thoughtfully respond with love in any situation. It’s derived from Jesse’s message of nurturing healing love. The first character value is courage. Courage is the most important character value that underlies all the rest. It comes from Jesse’s example of courage where he stood up to the shooter that came into his first-grade classroom, shortly after murdering his principal and counselor right outside his door.

The shooter’s gun ran out of bullets or the gun jammed. During the short delay, Jesse called for his friends to run. He was able to save nine of his classmates’ lives before losing his own. For that act of heroism, he is on the shortlist for the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Patrick: That’s incredible.

Scarlett: It is really incredible. I have to remind myself every day that, if Jesse, my six-year-old son, could have done a thing like that, then certainly I can get up every day and put my best foot forward. I can be part of the solution in the Choose Love Movement, which is a lot of my motivation. We all have that courage, but courage is like a muscle. We have to practice it.

Then we go into gratitude. Everyone knows the importance of gratitude. We use it as a mind shifter, to shift out of a lower energy thought, to a higher energy thought.

Then we move into forgiveness. Forgiveness has been a huge part of my healing journey. I made the decision to forgive Adam Lanza very early on. Not wanting to be another one of his victims, not wanting him to destroy my life as well. It was the best decision I ever made. It is vitally important.

Patrick: There’s a story you have around forgiveness for the younger kids. Can you tell me a little about that?

Scarlett: We have these bands that we give out to kids (shows a band on her wrist). Our programming is being taught in every state. All the adults told me, “You can’t teach kids forgiveness. That’s way too lofty a topic.” When you ask the kids, they say forgiveness is their favorite character value. It blows my mind every time. I say, “Why forgiveness?” They say it’s because it’s like a superpower. It feels so good to let it go. Can you imagine how different our lives would be if we knew that as early as fifth grade!?

Patrick: It’s amazing stuff.

Scarlett: Then we go into compassion in action, which is having the courage to step outside of our comfort zone, which the Coronavirus has done for us, and look to help other people. When we have the courage to practice those three character values, we’re choosing love. We’re taking our personal power back and making the world a better place.

Patrick: Tell me more about what you’re doing specifically around COVID-19. You have a daily text and some other resources on your website.

Scarlett: We have this lifespan programming. Now kids are home with their parents. We had an inquiry as to how they could keep the social and emotional practice going every day, and how the parents could practice. These skills and tools aren’t innate within us. We have to practice them every day. We have a daily text. We are in partnership with the Santoro Foundation and the University of Florida.

To get a daily text, you can text “SEL” to 484848 (for Social Emotional Learning). You can get a daily hint, tip, practice and what you can do together with your kids at home. We have a Coronavirus tab on our website at ChooseLoveMovement.org. There are tons of resources for everyone. We have lifespan programming. We have a lot of stuff on our website for everyone. We have this time (right now with Covid19). When did you ever want the world to slow down and to be able to work on yourself? Everyone says they’re so busy. Busy is really a reactive thing. We have time now to be proactive and practice self-care. There’s no better way than to choose love over fear. That’s our main message.

Patrick: That’s awesome. I’m sure everyone in our audience has heard about post-traumatic stress disorder, but you mentioned post-traumatic growth. Can you tell us more about that? We all need to love, and be loved.

Scarlett: We have this negative bias (in our lives today). The majority of our thoughts are negative every day, and repetitive. That’s in a normal world. We’ve all heard of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. If you look it up, 7% of the population suffers from PTSD at one point in their lives. The vast majority of us haven’t heard of something called post-traumatic growth.

When we face difficulty, when we’re outside of our comfort zone, when we hit roadblocks and challenges, we usually (experience not only “survival’, but growth). That (growth) has a scientific term. There’s research behind it. It’s called post-traumatic growth and almost no one has ever heard of it, because of our negative bias. We’re looking for things that might harm us.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t look out for things that harm you, but while you’re doing that, you have to step outside your comfort zone and look for things that can help you (grow). It’s understanding that the majority of us are going through difficulty on a daily basis. This brings us together as human beings. We’re all the same in the need and want to love and be loved, every one of us, regardless of age, race, color, religion, any perceived difference at all.

We all want to love and be loved. That brings us together. We all feel pain and suffering. We are all also susceptible to COVID-19, yet we all just want to be happy. Thoughtfully responding with love, and having healthy relationships and meaningful connections is a great way to do that. It’s the best way that I know to do it.

Patrick: It’s interesting for me to talk to you. You really are that living embodiment of courage, gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion in action. You walk the talk. I think that’s incredible. I think what you’re doing can help so many people in so many different contexts. Like you said, we’re going through something unprecedented right now in terms of the level of adversity, stress, and anxiety. We’re dealing with so much uncertainty and ambiguity. Most people aren’t equipped to deal with that. Seeing it as a growth opportunity, having that gratitude, and taking advantage of those moments and the extra time that we have is really important. Is there anything else you want to leave with our audience? How can people get ahold of you?

Scarlett: You can look at this time as something to fear, but you can also use the time for your personal growth. Nature has already done half the work for us. It’s gotten us outside of our comfort zones. We don’t like to get outside of our comfort zones. We’re all already there. I encourage everyone to use the time productively. Why not? You’re already out of your comfort zone. Our world has changed. Change with it, but for the better.

A Choose Love Movement Class

I encourage everyone to visit our website, ChooseLoveMovement.org. We truly do have lifespan programming. These are what are called essential life skills. We’re not born with them. We have to learn them. You could be an adult like me, at 44 years old when Jesse was murdered, and I found out about all of this. I realized, despite the fact that I have an investment banking bond trading background, and I’m a college graduate, I did not have social and emotional intelligence.

I’ve learned it as an adult. It has literally changed my life for the better. I know that it can change yours as well. It’s not difficult. It does take effort. It takes choice. It takes practice. It can be fun as well.

Patrick: Thank you so much, Scarlett. We’re talking to Scarlett Lewis, the Chief Movement Officer of the Choose Love Movement. Reach out to her ([email protected]), especially if you have young kids and your school doesn’t have a program around this. This is one of the lowest-cost ways that you can implement this in your school. Take advantage of the resources she has on her website around COVID-19. These are important things in these troubling times. Thank you so much.

Scarlett: Thank you so much, Patrick.

This article originally appeared on Patrick Henry's blog on Medium.