How a Toxic Boss Can Distort Your Professional Self

Let’s talk about something most of us have faced at some point—an abusive boss. Sure, we all know that dealing with a bad boss can be frustrating in the moment, but what many don’t realize is how deeply it can affect your entire sense of self. It’s not just about bruised egos or bad memories; it’s about a shift in your narrative, a change in how you see yourself and your career.

Take my client L. as an example. She was once a rockstar in her field, a high achiever who landed her dream job at a top company. Fast forward a year, and I hardly recognized her. She’d been let go, not fired but by mutual agreement. And as we sat down to talk, her bright eyes had dimmed, and when I asked about her career goals, she smiled bitterly and wondered out loud if they were just illusions—maybe she wasn’t as good as she thought.

What happened? The worst year of her career happened. L. found herself under a boss who created a climate of fear, urgency, and tension. The kind of boss who over-schedules, over-commits, and micromanages—especially new hires. The kind of boss who makes unreasonable demands, swings between moods like a pendulum, and snatches credit for others’ ideas. Sounds familiar?

But here’s the kicker—L. didn’t leave right away. Why? Because, like many of us, she fell into the trap of mistaking her boss’s bullying behavior for high standards. This boss was seen as a top performer, a model of success in the company. So L., being a top performer herself, stuck it out, thinking she just needed to work harder, be better. After all, this was her dream job.

Now, you might be thinking, “She’s out now, so she can move on, right?” If only it were that simple. The scars left by an abusive boss go much deeper than we often acknowledge. I’ve seen it time and again—a bad boss doesn’t just mess with your daily work; they mess with your entire narrative. They make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and your career.

You start doubting your past successes, wondering if they were just luck. You begin to question your abilities, and maybe you even start to lose your love for your profession. And here’s where it gets dangerous—when this happens, you start to limit yourself. You stop reaching for the stars because you’re not sure you belong up there anymore.

So, here’s the big question—have you been in a situation where you started doubting your worth because of a toxic boss? If so, take a moment to reflect. You need to recognize this for what it is: a distortion of your self-worth, not a reflection of it.

The American anti-bullying advocacy group End Workplace Abuse lists some common tactics of abusive supervision:

Verbal Abuse:

• Discounting and minimizing
• Name-calling, put-downs, yelling, or intimidating gestures
• Excessively harsh criticism or reprimands
• Rumors, gossip, behind-the-back defamation, or false accusations
• Offensive language, jokes, or sarcasm
• Comments about your protected status (age, gender, religion, race, color, beliefs, for example)
• Threats
• Making a joke out of your feelings

Sabotage:

• Exclusion from meetings, social events, and conversations you should be involved with
• Denying timely access to resources and information you need to do your job
• Unfair assignment of work followed by reprimands for not completing it
• Gaslighting or "crazy-making" designed to make you believe you’re the problem, twisting or omitting information to favor the abuser
• Inaccurate, negative performance reviews—a paper trail to justify the abuse as a business decision
• Demotion or other discipline, including threatening job loss without cause
• Micromanaging
• Discounting and denying accomplishments or taking credit for your work
• Blocking requests for training, leave, or promotion
• Increasing responsibilities without giving you the authority to complete them
• Removing responsibilities without explanation
• Assigning unreasonably heavy workloads or unrelated work
• Assigning underwork, leading to feelings of uselessness
• Setting unrealistic deadlines
• Favoritism, creating a separate set of rules or benefits for you or frequently changing rules
• Vague, unsatisfactory performance reviews or accusations without factual backup

The real challenge is not letting this behavior redefine you. It’s all too easy to internalize these attacks, to see them as a reflection of your worth.? So let me repeat it again: it’s a distortion of your self-worth, not a reflection of it.

For L., recognizing this link was a significant step in reclaiming her self-narrative. However, it took time and therapy to fully recover from the impact of that experience.

Have you ever felt a loss of professional identity and self-worth due to a bad boss and mistakenly accepted it as the truth? What helped you restore your sense of self?