How Top Performers Build Rapport Quickly (even with people they don’t like): Part 2

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening—wherever you are! Welcome to the latest edition of the Unconscious Aspects of Success newsletter. In this issue, we’re continuing the theme from the last edition on how to build rapport quickly and easily, even with people you don’t like or with whom you have nothing in common.

In the last edition, we looked at how the NLP technique of mirroring and matching a person’s physical movements and style of speech can help you build rapport quickly. In this edition, we will look at how communicating in a person’s dominant representation system (Rep System) can enhance that even further.

Representation Systems As I mentioned in an earlier edition, we think and process information in five representation systems—Rep Systems—that coincide with our senses: Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic, Olfactory (smell), and Gustatory (taste). We primarily use three of these: Visual, Auditory, and Kinaesthetic (commonly referred to as VAK). But within that, each of us has preferences, and one Rep System will be dominant (though this can change depending on context).

Each of us expresses ourselves best in our dominant Rep System and will be much more able to understand and relate to someone who communicates using that system. For example, if you ask a person whose primary Rep System is Visual if they “see your point of view,” they will be open to you because, subconsciously, you’re speaking their language. However, asking an Auditory person the same question might create some disconnect, as they’ll find it harder to relate. Instead, you'd want to use auditory phrases like “how does that sound?” or “do you hear what I’m saying?” to build rapport more effectively.

In short, you tend to get along with people who have (or communicate in) the same dominant Rep System as you do and may struggle with people who don’t—even if you can’t quite put your finger on why (see what I did there?).

So, if it seems like you have nothing in common with someone, consider VAK as a tool for finding common ground.

How do I find out which Rep System? Ok—so how do you figure out which Rep System is dominant for you, and how do you identify it in others?

In my courses, I typically share the story of my house-buying experience. My wife and I saw many houses, but we narrowed it down to three. I’ll describe each and ask which house you would have chosen:

• The first house, where I was struck by the quality of light streaming through the large windows, especially the stained glass on the landing. The beautiful garden, full of colors and shades, created a perfect view.
• The second house, where I noticed the peaceful silence. The birdsong from the garden was lovely, and I could almost hear the voices of the previous owners welcoming us.
• The third house, which felt like home the moment we walked in. The warmth wrapped around us like a hug, with thick carpets underfoot and the solid stone and woodwork giving a sense of permanence.

Which house would you have chosen? As you might have guessed, they are all the same house, but described in different Rep Systems. If you chose the first, you’re likely dominant in Visual. The second suggests Auditory dominance, and the third points to a Kinaesthetic preference.

How to Identify Others' Rep Systems There are two ways to quickly identify someone’s dominant Rep System:

• How their eyes move as they think
• The language they use

When thinking, a person’s eye movements can reveal their dominant Rep System. If they look up, they’re accessing Visual. If they look to the sides, they’re accessing Auditory. If they look down to their right (if right-handed), they’re accessing Kinaesthetic. If they look down to their left, they may be having an internal conversation or thinking in a more logical, yes/no framework (known as Auditory Digital).

The language someone uses is also a strong indicator of their Rep System. Visual people often use phrases like “I can see that,” “Can you picture that?” or “I’ll give you an overview.” Auditory people tend to say things like “I hear you,” “That sounds good,” or “That rings a bell.” Kinaesthetic people might say “That feels right,” “I can’t put my finger on it,” or “We’re warming up.”

For best results, start observing someone’s Rep System as soon as you meet them—before anything formal begins. This helps you tailor your communication style right from the start.

Want to practice? Watch interviews with politicians or footballers—they're great examples of Rep Systems in action!

Until next time, Donald

P.S. Feeling a bit stuck? I’m here to help! Book a time with me for a chat: https://bit.ly/3Z2S0Dr

Website: www.donaldhamilton.co.uk

Email: [email protected]

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