How to Tell the Difference between Ego and Self-Esteem
Some people work hard to be the center of attention. They may do this by flaunting possessions, like their car or clothing. Or they might show off their social status through touting their income, body shape, or the size of their home.
Sometimes they simply remind you frequently about how smart, successful, or great they are. And they may have friends or colleagues that admire them.
Does this sound like you or your partner? Ask yourself: are these behaviors driven by ego or self-esteem?
Sometimes it’s not so easy to tell, but there is a distinct difference between the two. And while self-esteem is healthy, ego isn’t.
Self-Esteem
Here are a few signs that someone has self-esteem:
You could compare someone with self-esteem to a rock: solid. What you see on the outside is also on the inside.
Ego
Here are a few signs that someone is behaving based on ego and has low self-esteem:
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You could compare someone with low self-esteem to an egg: fragile. Empty on the inside.
People often develop a large ego because their caregivers did not support their real self during childhood. They may have been treated as though they were incompetent, inadequate, unimaginative, or disappointing.
So, they create a false self to show the world that they are the exact opposite of these things. Creating and maintaining this false self takes a lot of energy. And since it is based more on appearance than action, it is an incredibly fragile fa?ade. It is there to protect the person from feeling bad about themselves.
Does This Sound Like You?
If this rings true to you, you should know that your real self is still there. It’s inside you. Your ego is just acting as a placeholder until you can connect with your real self.
To access and accept your real self, you need to start by letting go of the negative labels and images that were fed to you during childhood. Then work to behave in ways that match your core values – even when no one is watching.
This won’t be an easy process, but it will help you to develop a deeper connection with others. Instead of using your energy to maintain that fragile false self, you can work towards building relationships with others who will love and support your real self.
As you reconnect with your real self, your self-esteem will rise. And as your self-esteem rises, your ego will fall. It won’t be needed anymore!
All of this individual work can best be done in couples therapy versus any other individual mode being a distant second. So, if you’re blessed now with a current partner and have a competent Couples Therapist, and especially if you both have Imago’s Couples Workshop under your belts, you’ll be able to build a stronger, healthier, and happier relationship with yourself and your partner.