How to talk to your partner about money.

What are you not telling your partner? What debt are you hiding from them? What spending have you been lying about? What dreams are you keeping secret?

• Hiding those new shoes in the back of the cupboard so he won't see them and ask how much they cost?
• Hoping she won’t find out that you’ve just spent R50k on that new bike for that upcoming cycle race?
• Hoping he won’t find out that you’ve taken a loan for that secret business you haven’t told him you’re starting?
• Being secretive about the fact that you haven’t been earning the commission at work that you said you were, so you're not going to be able to take the family away in December?

Secret behaviours around money just erode your integrity every day and eat away at your conscience, diminishing the level of intimacy and connection with your partner. The longer you let this go on, the more you’re destroying that trust between you. It’s hard to overcome broken trust, really hard. Some couples just can’t. So don’t set yourself up for failure by continuing this behaviour.

If you want to create a successful, sustainable future together, there has to be transparency around money and finances in your relationship. You have to be honest about your net worth, debt, income, loans, investments, expenses, savings and policies. If you're committing to a long term relationship with someone, they need to know what your complete financial status looks like because it is going to impact them down the road. Of course this isn’t a first date kind of conversation, but when the relationship is getting serious, it’s the time to sit your partner down and tell them everything.

What’s your story?

Often, money is treated with shame, embarrassment and secrecy because we’re taught from a young age that money is private and not something you speak about to others. We grow up not knowing how to deal with real money concerns, so we avoid honest conversations about it with our partner. Our money stories started in childhood where we learnt about finances by observing how our parents handled money. This created the foundation of our financial beliefs which underlie our approach to money in adulthood.

Think about your own money story. What were you taught to believe about money? Do you fear it? Respect it? Enjoy it? Treat it with disregard? Why? Uncovering your money story can be extremely insightful about why you treat it the way you do in your life now. Discuss your money story with your partner and learn about theirs.

Change your behaviour around money

1. Practice the art of talking about money, everyday, in a very light way. The more you normalise money conversations in your relationship every day, the easier it will be to address the big financial conversations when you need to.
2. Be supportive of each other’s dreams and prioritise your finances in those directions. Creating a future life together requires money. Want to buy a new house? Want to study? Want to have kids? Want to start your own business? Those are wonderful dreams to have but if you’re not on the same page about saving or investing towards those things together then they’re never going to happen. Healthy relationships are about supporting your partner where they want to go with their life visions.
3. If you live together, it's very important to have a budget in a relationship. Discuss income and expenses and come up with a plan you both agree with on how you’re going to manage finances together. Do a monthly check-in with each other on how you’re faring with the expenses of living in a home together. This is a non-negotiable practice to have in any long term relationship.

Coming clean about debt

There is often embarrassment and shame around debt. Getting angry with the person who has the debt is not workable or conducive to creating a safe space for honest conversations to happen. Be constructive in these discussions, not destructive with finger pointing and attacks. Understand that debt affects almost everyone, find your compassion and choose a supportive approach when discussing how to overcome it and move towards a healthier money picture that serves you both.

How to have a positive financial discussion:

1. Pick the right time and a private place to have a talk about money. Don’t do it when you’re busy, rushed, tired, hungry or distracted.
2. Be clear on the specific issue that you want to raise with your partner and come prepared with a plan and a solution for moving forward. A lack of clarity is going to trigger another fight.
3. Keep your focus on your own feelings instead of attacking your partner. You could either say “I can’t believe you spent that money! What’s the matter with you, don’t you care about the stress we’re under? You’re so selfish, you only ever think about yourself!” or, you could say “When you overspent on the card last week it made me feel panicked about how we’re going to pay the rent at the end of the month. It felt like you didn’t think about the long term consequences of that purchase. But maybe there was a reason for what you did that I don’t understand and I’d love to talk about it with you.” It’s all about how you address the issue. Anger will always bring up fear in your partner and that’s the reason they’re being secretive about money with you in the first place… because they’re afraid of your reaction. You want them to be honest? Then manage your anger and reactiveness.
4. Address one issue at a time and stay with that issue until a solution is reached. This conversation is not about winning or being right, it’s about learning and creating a safe, supportive environment to find a way forward together.

Know your worth

The most common money issue I see in relationships is when one partner earns more money and is the primary breadwinner and the other earns significantly less or is unemployed. How do you find a balance within that unbalanced income situation?

1. The most important perspective to shift with this is to know that your worth in a relationship is not determined by how much money you earn. Money is only one way of contributing value to a relationship. What other value do you both contribute to each other apart from money?
2. Look at strengths and contributions. Who fulfils what role in a full day dynamic of being in a relationship? Division of duty makes both people feel they’re contributing equally to the relationship.
3. If you’re the breadwinner, be conscious about not being controlling or manipulative with money. Earning more money does not entitle you to be the boss in the relationship.

Appoint the family CFO

Whoever is better at handling money between the two of you, should be the CFO of your relationship - taking responsibility for managing the money, investments, payments, taxes and budgets. A note on this: There is a difference between controlling the money and managing the money. The CFO’s job is to manage the money, not control it by excluding their partner from decisions or becoming a dictator about it. Honesty and transparency is key here, you both need to know online passwords to access joint accounts and investments so you can both see what is going on with statements. This avoids secretive behaviour.

When it comes to money conversations, focus on the solution, don’t attack your partner or make them afraid of your reactions. Stick to the facts, don’t let the emotions drive the conversations and keep your focus on where you’re going, not where you’ve come from. If you find it hard to have these conversations on your own, work with a coach, a therapist or a financial specialist who can facilitate that conversation.

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