How to talk to your child about how they were born.

Children are curious beings. They are learning about the world around them by exploring, discovering and asking lots of questions. Finding answers to their questions helps them process the how, where, what, when and why about things around them.

Very often children can shock, surprise or completely throw us off balance with their questions or observations. “ Mummy how was I born?”. “ Dad how did I come out of Mummy’s tummy?”. These questions can perturb any parent. Some parents try to avoid the question altogether as it seems overwhelming to explain this to kids. Others spin stories like a fairy dropped you from heaven or God left you on our bed one night. Some others don’t know what to mention and what to leave out and it seems easier avoiding the subject altogether.

Sayali Gadkari, an Indian physiotherapist at American Hospital, UAE was asked, “Aai (meaning mother in Marathi) how did I come out of your stomach?” by her 2 year old son when he was shown his mother’s pictures taken during her pregnancy. She told him, “ Doctor had to help you come out. When you came out, you started crying but when you saw me you kept staring at me. From that day till today I love you so much.” Her 2 year old son hugged her and said “ Yes Aai I also love you from that day.” She believes in keeping it real without divulging too many details.

Veni Venkat, an entrepreneur and mother of a 6 year old girl from Mumbai was caught unaware when her daughter asked her how she was born. She told her that she prayed a lot for a child and then God blessed her and a baby began growing in her tummy. After enjoying a 9 month vacation in her tummy, the magician doctor released her into this world like a movie release. Her daughter was convinced and she didn’t need to get into any more details.

My daughter also shocks me quite often with her observations. Few months back, she popped the question, “How was I born?”. I was caught off-guard even though I had read about tackling situations like these. I stayed calm and told her “ After mommy and daddy got married, God blessed us with you. For 9 months you were inside my tummy. You could hear all our voices. Our hearts got connected with each other and stay connected even today. Everything mommy ate, reached you through the cord that connected both of us.” Her eyes completely lit up as I explained the details to her. “I could not take medicines even if I was feeling sick as those medicines were very strong for you.” “ What was I doing in there?”, Samaira asked. I told her, “ You would kick me sometimes, roll around and do all kinds of stunts. Slowly you started growing big and one day you couldn’t fit in mommy’s tummy. Daddy took mommy to the hospital and doctor gave mommy anaesthesia so mommy wouldn’t feel the pain.” “What is anaesthesia mommy?” Samaira asked. I explained to her that there were two types of anaesthesia local and general (well those were the only types I knew). When general is given, we don’t know what’s happening, we go to sleep. But when local is given only that area becomes numb and does not pain anymore. However we are still awake. “Then doctor cut open mommy’s stomach and got you out.” ( Since I had a caesarean delivery I was trying to be as honest and age appropriate as I could be). I didn’t get into any of the reproductive details because she was too young for it. Till date she loves this story and wants to hear it over and over again. She also keeps telling everyone that our hearts are connected.

I know this isn’t over. The same question will be asked over and over again as she understands more of the world and begins to understand her own body better. It isn’t going to be easy to answer her even then but I will try to be as close to the truth and as factual as possible.

Annette Raposo, Child Counsellor in the UAE says, “ If your child comes up and asks you how he or she was born, the first thing would be to understand what they know or have heard. Depending on their age, they all have some idea about it. It’s important to be honest. You can say something like when parents love each other, they decide to have a baby. Make sure to include words like ‘grown ups’, ‘parents’, ‘womb’. Be comfortable when you talk about it. Do not show any discomfort. Keep it age appropriate. A 4 year old can be told that babies come from a special place in mamma’s tummy while a 10 year old can be told more details. At all times make your child comfortable so that he or she can walk upto you at any time and ask whatever questions or doubts they have. They should know you are their safe place not a teacher or a judge.”

Here are a few tips for parents tackling this for the first time, so that you can be better prepared.

• The question “Where do babies come from?” isn’t about sex
• Don’t avoid the question
• Try to stay calm and not transfer your fears to your kid
• Avoid creating a story that has no connection to reality
• You could start with probing to understand what they know about it. “Oh that’s an interesting question. How do you think you were born?” Once you understand what they know about the subject, it’s easier to understand where they are coming from and how to answer them.
• There is always an age appropriate explanation that you can create without giving them too many details that would scare or disturb them. It’s easier to explain this to younger kids than older ones.
• There are a few books that you could take help from which keep it simple and explain these concepts honestly and easily.

1. When You Were Inside Mommy, by Joanna Cole,
2. What to Expect When Mommy’s Having a Baby by Heidi Murkoff,
3. You Were Born on Your Very First Birthday by Linda Walvoord Girard,
4. A Child Is Born by Lennart and Lars Hamberger Nilsson

If you’ve experienced this situation and have had some success or failure at it, I’d love to hear from you.

#expatmom # expatmomindubai #keepitreal #howiwasborn #parentsasfriends #expatparenting #parenting #parentsalwayslearning #samiarastories

The original article first appeared on Medium https://blossommenezes.medium.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-how-they-were-born-4d230c9858c8