How to talk to your child about war

Talking to children about war

Right now many adults, myself included, are feeling scared, uncertain and a little helpless in relation to the situation in Ukraine. Your children, particularly if they are of school-going age, will likely have also heard about the conflict and are likely to have similar responses. Children will be exposed to information from the news, peers and social media channels. However, it is important that they receive support from parents/ carers to process and make sense of these news. In a sense, it is the coming to you as parents/ carers that matters.

Answer questions factually

Consider your own state of mind first. Ground yourself so that your language is clear and concise. It can be helpful to open up a discussion based on your child’s prior knowledge (e.g. What have you heard about Ukraine?) Answer your child’s questions as honestly as you can. Parents/ carers can often try to shield children from difficult topics, and this is understandable, but unfortunately war has been something that has been happening in various countries in the world, throughout all of your child’s life. Using a map or globe can be helpful to show your child where the countries are, relative to their location. This will help to ground their own personal safety. Young children will benefit from factual information, provided by parents. This might include watching a child-appropriate news programme. It might also be as simple as letting your child know that sometimes countries fight and make the wrong choices. For older children, consider conducting some research together. Limit exposure to news and social media. Children also need to know that there are other things going on in their world and that life is punctuated by stressors in the midst of moments of joy and connection?

Help your child to process their emotional reactions

It can be tempting to try to offer reassurance and dismiss emotions such as anxiety. But anxious responses are normative when thinking about situations as scary as war. Rather, validate your child’s emotions and let them know that its ok to feel scared or worried. Your child needs to feel safe and heard and this is something that you can provide as a parent/carer. Let your child know that they can come to you with any questions and worries and that you’ll make space to listen. Remember, that worries are normative and to be expected for most children. Only if your child’s distress takes over their capacity to engage in daily activities should you consider accessing professional support. Children who have prior experiences of war and conflict will be particularly vulnerable here so watch out for signs of regression, withdrawal or increase in mental health symptoms.

Try to avoid black-and-white thinking

It would be easy to fall into the trap of black-and-white thinking in which Russia is all bad and Ukraine is all good but life is much more shades of grey than this. We know that many Russians oppose the Ukranian invasion and are suffering for this opposition. So this is a chance to talk in these terms with your children. We have experience of what happens historically when we fall into categorical thinking so encouraging your children to think more broadly about the issues can be helpful. You can support critical thinking whilst not falls into the trap of life being about ‘goodies’ and ‘baddies’.

Think about what you can do to help

If your child is worried about families and children in the Ukraine, consider donating to charity. Your child could also write a letter to decision-makers in their locality. Point out those in power that are seeking a resolution to the conflict. Having your child experience a sense of agency and hope is helpful here.?

Dr Sara O’Byrne

Principal Clinical Psychologist