How To Talk When You Think They’re Lying

There are many common myths about people who struggle with substance use disorders. One of the oldest and most well-known is that all substance users have profound character flaws that result in chronic lying.?In fact, if you google “addicts are liars,” you will find a list of 1,230,000 articles that discuss this very topic.

First, it’s not true that all people who struggle with substance use are liars, and second, it is common for?anyone, even people who don’t use substances, to lie about behaviors they are not proud of! And, when you’re really struggling with a drug or alcohol problem, behaviors you’re not proud of are pretty easy to come by.

Lying is a tool that almost everyone uses at one time or another to try and mitigate negative reactions and emotions in others. It’s a human communication strategy that is as old as time itself. When you know that telling the truth is going to cause the other person to react negatively, it can be tempting to change your story to keep things running smoothly and maintain the relationship.

We’ve all done it, and we’ve all seen it work.

When you have a substance use problem, odds are that someone in your life has negative feelings about what you are doing. They are, at the very least, confused and more likely frightened or angry (most likely both!).

When people you care about are upset with your behavior, it can feel like all eyes are on you, and that’s a lot of pressure, especially when you are engaged in a behavior pattern that you may very well be ambivalent about!

Maybe you have told them you want to change (and you actually do want to!) but keep getting faced with situations that you were unprepared for and have old habits kick in. There may be other times when they really want you to change, and you just don’t have the same concerns. Regardless of the reason, if you have friends and family watching your behavior closely, there can be a very normal impulse to lie and try to convince everyone there is nothing to look at!

And when you think about the issue of lying you cannot discount the effect of stigma.?

When you’re really struggling with a behavior problem that is stigmatized, like abusing drugs, there is the added component of shame. The temptation to lie about behaviors you feel ashamed about can be really strong. And, once you’ve lied, it can be hard to resist telling more lies in order to maintain the story you’re trying to portray. Because not lying will often put you in direct contact with shaming responses from the outside world.?Hence, the cycle continues.

So, if your loved one is struggling (and struggling to tell the truth!), how are you supposed to talk to them and get them to tell you what is actually going on so that you can support them? Or help them want to change their behavior? How should you communicate with someone that you suspect is in a cycle of lying described above?

Having Conversations When You Can't Trust Them

How do you have a conversation when you can’t trust what the other person is saying?

You can begin by thinking through what your goal is for the conversation. What do you want to get out of it? Do you want them to hear your thoughts and concerns? Are there specific behavior changes that you’d like to see? What are you hoping they will share with you and why? How will having that information help you? Are you hoping to open up a line of communication that will continue over time?

Each one of those topics may require different ways of communicating. By figuring out where you want to end up, you can focus on managing your part of the communication, regardless of what the other person is saying.

For example: If you heard that your daughter got fired from her job, and she’s saying that she was only late once, but they just “have it out for her” (and you don’t believe that she’s being honest with you about her tardiness), it helps to think about what you want to achieve in this conversation.

Perhaps your goal is to help her think about what she needs to do to get a new job or to help her think through strategies for being on time regularly. Neither of those topics requires her to “fess up” and be more honest; instead, they circumvent the lying and steer the conversation toward topics that can help her do better moving forward.

Focusing on the lie can move you away from your end goal of trying to support positive behavior change.

Addressing The Lie

Sometimes, however, the lie must be addressed. In these cases, it can be helpful to step back and try to understand the “function” of the lie.?Try to hold the idea that the lie (“I’m not using”) is probably not meant to be hurtful, rather it is an unsuccessful attempt to maintain the relationship and avoid the discomfort of a fight or confrontation.

See if you can speak to the function of the lie (e.g., “I imagine it’s hard to be honest when you know I am upset and you are ambivalent about stopping”).?It can also be helpful to tell them you will try to manage your response so that an honest conversation can actually happen (“I am going to try and stay calm while we talk so that you can maybe tell me what is going on.”). Most importantly, try to spell out your overall goal for the conversation (e.g., “I want to understand what you are experiencing and try to be helpful if I can be”). And if you do happen to get a response that feels like an honest one, don’t forget to reinforce them for being honest (“Thank you so much for sharing that with me, I really appreciate your honesty.”)

Besides communicating with words, you can help influence honesty by the actions you take. To do this, you want to think about ways that you can help reinforce honesty and how to put some consequences in place for lying.

Reinforcing Behavior, You Want

When it comes to reinforcing the behavior you want to support, in this case, honesty, it can be as simple as just noticing or giving verbal praise for any healthy behavioral choices or honesty/openness in conversations. It might not sound like much, but it goes a long way to encouraging another person to keep up that behavior.

When you are struggling, it can feel like you are doing everything wrong, so what’s the point of changing? When someone notices that you made a change and they actually give you credit for it, it can fuel the desire to make more changes.

Avoiding Being Too Punitive

Putting some consequences in place for lying is a bit more tricky. You want to be clear that you don’t appreciate that they are being dishonest, all the while avoiding being too punitive (which will actually increase their desire to lie). Also, the very nature of lying is that you might not know for sure if they are engaging in a lie at that moment! The solution to this is to be clear about your expectations upfront and how you will handle situations of uncertainty or suspicion of lies.

To do this, it is helpful to start by laying out what they can do to demonstrate that they are being truthful. Is there some way that they can provide evidence to you to back up what they are saying? Or maybe you can establish a regular “check-in” so that you have more data.

By establishing what constitutes “truth” (e.g., a negative drug test, being able to stay within a budget and not needing more money), you also establish what will constitute “not-truth” (e.g., a missed drug test, running out of money for suspicious reasons). This also gives you the ability to say how you will handle a “not-truth” situation. Let your loved one know up-front what will happen if that situation arises.

A Pinch of Understanding

Dealing with dishonesty is a difficulty and trying aspect of behavior change. Taking a pinch of understanding and a dollop of action will help you to feel more in control of how you can help guide your loved one toward more honest interactions.

Carrie Wilkens, PhD

CO-FOUNDER AND CLINICAL DIRECTOR, Center for Motivation & Change

Additional Specialization: Certified in Prolonged Exposure (PE), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, Unified Protocol for Transdiagnostic Treatment of Emotional Disorders (UP) Developer and Trainer: Invitation to Change Approach

Carrie Wilkens, Ph.D., is the Co-Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Motivation and Change a group of clinicians in NYC, Long Island, Washington, DC, and San Diego, CA who specialize in the treatment of substance use/compulsive behavior disorders and trauma using a variety of evidence-based treatments. She co-founded CMC: Berkshires, a private, inpatient/residential program employing the same treatment approaches in Massachusetts. She co-authored an award-winning book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, —a practical guide for families dealing with substance problems in a loved one, and The Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends: Evidence-Based Skills to Help a Loved-One Make Positive Change. She is also President of the CMC: Foundation for Change, a not-for-profit with the mission of improving the dissemination of evidence-based ideas and strategies to professionals and loved ones of persons struggling with substance use. Dr. Wilkens has been a Project Director on a large federally-funded Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) grant addressing the problems associated with binge drinking among college students. She is regularly sought out by the media to discuss issues related to substance use disorders and has been on the CBS Morning Show, Katie Couric Show, and Fox News and frequent NPR segments. She is also in the HBO documentary Risky Drinking.