How to talk about things that matter without ruining Xmas lunch

With the Christmas holidays just around the corner, we’ve been thinking about how to handle conversations about things that matter without ruining the whānau Xmas lunch or the neighbour’s bbq. In recent years it feels like there are an increasing number of divisive issues to navigate.? What to do if the turkey is served with a side of casual racism or the Xmas punch is spiked with a twist of climate change denial?

How can we have constructive and compassionate conversations during the holidays?

Try to find common ground.

Try to resist the urge to engage in debate and pull out all your shiniest facts and brightest arguments. See what happens if you approach conversations from a position of empathy and curiosity. Instead of talking in absolutes (it is a fact that…) speak from your personal perspective (I think, I wonder…).?

Embrace the challenge of finding common ground where your shared values intersect. You may have different ideas about what should happen and how right now. But if you can agree on at least some of the things that really matter, you might also be able to agree on a vision for the future.?

Handle with care

If you have friends or whānau who seem to have disappeared down the rabbit hole of misinformation, tread carefully. If you try to debunk myths and false information you risk widening the gap between you and reinforcing beliefs. Try to withhold judgement and gently ask questions to understand how and why they’ve come to their positions. Keep the lines of communication open so that you can build trust and understanding over time.?

Know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em and when to walk away

Some of the tips outlined above might help you to have helpful conversations without getting into harmful conflict. But before engaging in a discussion that could lead to an argument, stop and evaluate the situation. Some people have firmly held positions and beliefs and are very unlikely to be persuaded. Save your energy for people who are more open to increasing their understanding and shifting their position.?

It’s ok to look after your own wellbeing. You should speak up when you see or hear something that you feel is wrong, but not if doing so will put you or others in an unsafe situation. Sometimes it’s best to shift the conversation to something less explosive (like whether Die Hard or Love Actually is the better Christmas movie, perhaps).

Further reading

Doppelganger by Naomi Klein provides great insight into the ways that public discourse has become so divisive. Jess Berentson-Shaw’s book, A Matter of Fact Talking Truth in a Post-Truth World, offers ways to deal with misinformation and find common ground.