How to Talk Good! 13 Innovative Lessons in Communication from the Presidential/Veep Debates

Over the past month, I watched about 4.5 hours of Presidential and Veep TV - and sometimes for extra torture - an additional 17 minutes of post-debate analysis from both sides (17 minutes is the perfect amount of time before you need to refill your bourbon). Alas, thanks to our nation's leaders, I gained value insight on how best to talk to people good and write a really mean sentence. Regardless of your politics, we can all agree these debates have enlightened us with an incredibly unique and progressive approach to communication.

Now that the debates have sadly passed, I’ve taken some time to reflect and reconsider. All these years, I thought of myself as a skilled and persuasive orator. I presumed people were responding both emotionally and intellectually to irreverent things I’d said. If I only knew how wrong I had been. Whether I'm talking to my spouse, friends, enemies, business partners or the guy in the bagel shop.... I finally know how to WIN. 

Here are the 13'ish lessons I’ve absorbed to effectively engage the American people:

13) Never answer the question you’re asked. Addressing a question directly is clearly a sign of weakness. Vague, irrelevant responses are ideal ways to feign interest in the art of a 2-way conversation. Also if your response is long and rambling enough, the person you’re speaking to will quickly forget what and why they asked the question to begin with. Always remember your agenda and never veer from it - especially if it involves fracking.

• For example: Question: Do you like the color blue? Answer: I prefer avocado on my toast. Follow-up question: What about green? Answer: 49%

12) If you must answer a question, answer the one that was asked 4 1/2 minutes earlier that’s still gnawing at you. It’s sort of like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite who eternally lived in the past “Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions.” Never live in the present moment… live in the past one where you regrettably couldn’t get the last word in.

• For example: Sir, do you want cream cheese on your bagel? Me: I’d like to start by first addressing something you asked 3 visits ago regarding my aversion toward pickled herring. It's a lie. An absurd lie!

11) 2 minutes of uninterrupted response time is an oxymoron. If the person you’re speaking with is offered uninterrupted “air time”, be sure to interrupt them incessantly and then scold them for not being more precise. Interruptions are best executed with a series of half phrased, non-sensible insults. Letting a person finish their thought may be misperceived as politeness - and again, politeness is a sign of weakness. On the other hand, when you’re the interrupted party, it’s best to lose your composure and scream “Will you shut up man!” (which as an aside, I recently had printed on 10,000 t-shirts).

10) Leverage mute buttons to finish your point. Until now, mute buttons have only been associated with physical phone or video calls. But thanks to new technology at this year’s Virtual CES, the “live mute button” is now a thing. Use it when the person you're talking to insists on interjecting or disagreeing with you. Virtual "audience laugh tracks" will soon be available too to make unfunny people appear mildly funny. As an aside, I believe mute buttons can save marriages (that's what I've been told by someone I live with).

9) Truth and accountability are frowned upon. Truth is very subjective after all. Like George Costanza famously taught us: “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” Use vague stats with uneven numbers in your answers (odd numbers are both funny and believable). Plus, it’s not like people have any means of instantly looking up information on a device in their hands 24 hours a day to confirm if you’re telling the truth. And what is truth anyway?

• For example: 43.5% of the country is taxed lower than 17.79% of the other people in the country who make more money than 71% of the people in China.
• Or: Everything Bagels have 117% more salt in them than that in the Dead Sea (may or may not be true - I've heard the Dead Sea has a salinity of 34.2%).

8) Master holding unattractive facial expressions inclusive of unnatural pouts, half dimples and gritting, overly white teeth. Every good communicator needs a trademark facial gimmick. Practice by looking at yourself in the mirror and doing something unbecoming that’s unique to you. Mine for example is an upside down frown with a side of freakish overbite. Use this off-putting look to your advantage when the person you’re talking to says something hurtful. 

7) Smile awkwardly and often to no one in particular standing slightly to your left. That imaginary person will always feel special.

6) Occasionally place insects on your forehead to distract your audience. If you’re like me, you’ll think the bug is actually on your TV screen and try to swipe it off.  Thinking progressively, we should start selling advertising space on our foreheads. Just think how much extra money Peyton Manning could have made.

5) Incorporate aggressive hand gestures to emphasize points. Waving fists, pointing pointedly, thumbs up, thumbs down, covering a yawn, jazz hands (always a crowd pleaser) and the old reliable “holding an invisible box” (shown below). 

4) If hand gestures don't work, use objects. For example, hold up a mask whenever you say the word “mask”. Just so long as the person next to you doesn't have COVID.

3) Say “the American People” at least 2 to 3x per sentence. Make that your go-to pronoun for all occasions.

• For example: "Let’s get high and light the fire pit again tonight. It’s what the American People would want, and we owe it to the American People to eat more S’mores with the American People." Alternate pronoun option: “Folks”

2) Think ahead to the next episode of Saturday Night Live. A good communicator will always envision clever comedy writers making fun of their positions on SNL. Imagine how you’d be portrayed by Maya Rudolph, Jim Carrey or Alec Baldwin, and let that serve as your guide.

1) Finally, Win or Lose. I never realized every conversation I entered would have a winner or loser. I used to think we were just conversing and hoping for a better outcome for all. Now I realize the whole world (and 37 news stations) is judging what I say and deciding if I won or lost. Further, even if you did lose, just announce that you won anyway. There’s no official score - just own it and tell people you crushed it.

• For example, I recently returned from the bagel shop with the wrong order. My family was disappointed, but I told them I ignored all of bagel guy's questions, I lied to him repeatedly about how gluten cures 67% of COVID cases, and I threw my arms in the air aggressively while insulting the quality of his lox. Yes the order was wrong, but I WON!

Other tactics: 

• Use a smart sounding yet ultimately incompetent moderator to pretend to manage your conversation.
• Speak extra persuasively when your audience is from Pennsylvania, Florida or North Carolina. Or when you need more lox on your bagel.
• Always lay out communication rules in advance (and then break them all anyway).
• Skip cordial greetings: COVID has made it unnecessary for you to formally greet those to whom you’re speaking. You can’t shake hands and you definitely can’t get close enough to whisper threats under your breath. 

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Steve Strauss has been debating the corporate world for 20+ years and is now a content and marketing consultant. He’s performed comedy hundreds of times at clubs and corporate functions including sales meetings and customer events. Research confirms his jokes make his fellow co-workers 47% happier (this may or may not be true, but does it matter?)

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