How to Talk Back When Your Doubts Whisper Lies in Your Ear

If only it were that easy to say, “I can”.

(This article was originally published on Medium.com by Mike Curtis)

“You can’t do?this.”

Those were the constant, nagging words I told myself when I considered leaving my steady job of 15 years to pursue a new career. The doubts didn’t just whisper, oh no…they screamed at me and nearly convinced me they were right.

“You’ll fail! Who do you think you are, trying to make a career move when you’re almost 40? It will never work.”?—?My Brain

It didn’t matter how many people believed in me, my fears felt like foregone conclusions. When I finally mustered the courage to give my two-week notice, I cried in my car for an hour before talking to my manager. I was certain I would fail at my next thing.

Doubts know exactly where to hit us where it hurts the most, don’t they? When our doubts whisper in our ears, they feel like targeted missiles of self-sabotage, tailored to our most vulnerable parts.

Why does this happen?

Well, I can tell you this. It’s not because you’re inherently flawed or weak. It’s not because there’s something wrong with you. No, this tendency to doubt ourselves is deeply rooted in biology and psychology.

Research in behavioral science suggests that our brains are wired to prioritize negative information over positive. This negativity bias helped our ancestors survive by making them hyper-aware of potential dangers. But today, this bias often translates into overemphasizing our shortcomings and failures.

“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences, and Teflon for positive ones.”?—?Rick Hanson, Neuropsychologist, source

Oof. Yeah, I’m sure we can all relate to that.

On top of that, social comparison theory, a concept introduced by psychologist Leon Festinger in the 1950s, plays a critical role. While there are ways we can improve through comparison, we constantly fall into evaluating our worth by comparing ourselves to others. And where do we most often play this comparison game? Well, for me, it happened with social media. Everyone’s life seemed perfect. And on those social media pedestals, my doubts found a fertile breeding ground.

What Might These Doubts Be Saying to?You?

Doubts whisper lies that stem from fear and insecurity. It feels nearly impossible to weaken their grip on us when we want to get closer to a life led by courage and truth.

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”?—?Suzy Kassem, Writer

Do any of these sound familiar?

• “I’m too old to start something new.” Age is just a number, not a barrier to your dreams. Many successful people started their ventures well into their later years, but our doubts would have us believe the contrary.
• “I don’t have the talent that others have.” Talent is just one piece of the puzzle. Dedication, perseverance, and the willingness to learn often outweigh natural talent. Besides, you have unique strengths that others don’t possess?—?but the whispers of doubt don’t care.
• “I’ve failed before; I’ll just fail again.” Each failure is not a prediction of future outcomes, they’re stepping stones to success. Through failures, we gain invaluable insights and grow stronger?—?but our doubts want us to be afraid instead.
• “Nobody cares about what I have to say.” You’d be surprised how much your story and insights can resonate with others. Your voice can be a beacon of hope and inspiration for someone who feels alone in their struggles. Yet, our doubts tell us to keep our mouths shut.
• “I’m not smart enough to get this job.” Intelligence is not fixed, it’s malleable. With effort and persistence, you can learn and master anything. Again, doubts show up and tell us we’re not enough.
• “I’m not as successful as my peers.” Success is not a race. It’s not measured by someone else’s timeline. You try to focus on your path and progress but doubt creeps in.
• “I don’t deserve happiness or success.” You are as deserving of happiness and success as anyone else. This belief stems from a place of fear, not truth. Challenge it and remind yourself of your worth.
• “It’s too late to change my path now.” No, it’s not. A path that brings you joy and fulfillment is yours to go after. Life is about evolution and growth…if you can get past the doubts that try to stunt it.
• “I’m not strong enough to handle the challenges ahead.” You’ve already handled so much more than you give yourself credit for. Your resilience in the face of past challenges proves your strength. Doubt wants to convince you otherwise.
• “What if I end up alone?” Pursuing your true self or goals might change your social landscape, but it also opens the door to connecting with like-minded individuals who align with your authentic self.

6 Ways to Tackle the Lies?Head-On

If you’re like me, those were painful to read. They’re in my head more often than I want them to be. So, what can we do about these deceitful whispers? I don’t think the answer is completely silencing them?—?that feels nearly impossible?—?but we can learn how to respond to them effectively.

Here are the 6 ways I’ve found to be the most effective to talk back to our fears.

Recognize and label your?doubts

The first step is to recognize these thoughts for what they are: mere doubts, not truths. Label them as such. When you think, “I’m not good enough to get that promotion,” mentally tag it as a “doubt.” If it’s helpful, write it down too. You’d be surprised what this simple exercise can do and how labeling doubts can be a healing practice.

Question their?validity

Once you’ve labeled these thoughts, challenge them. Ask yourself, “Is this actually true?” Put your doubts up against a fact check. More often than not, you’ll find that your doubts are based on fear, not fact.

Gather evidence to the?contrary

For every doubt that says, “You can’t…” find evidence from your life that says, “You can.” If your inner voice tells you you’re not smart enough, remind yourself of all the challenges you’ve overcome and the knowledge you’ve gained along the way.

Practice self-compassion

Be kind to yourself. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, suggests treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d offer to a good friend. Self-compassion changes how you treat yourself during your most vulnerable moments and allows you to see your struggles without harsh judgment.

“Self-compassion motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy.”?—?Kristin Neff

Self-compassion is indispensable in this process because it effectively mutes the misleading whispers of doubt by affirming your inherent worth and capabilities.

Build a support?system

I would not be where I am today without my supportive spouse. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and your potential. Sometimes, even the slightest amount of external affirmation can go a long way in silencing those internal doubts.

Take small steps?forward

Action is the antidote to doubt. Take small, manageable steps toward your goals. No matter how small, every step is a little victory over your doubts…and they quickly add up.

Learn How to Talk Back (in a good?way)

I won’t lie and say it’s easy. Even now, after successfully navigating my career to a senior level, the doubts still visit. But the difference is, now I know how to talk back. I’ve learned to recognize their lies, challenge their validity, and remind myself of my strengths and accomplishments.

My most profound realization was understanding that these doubts, as painful and personal as they seem, are part of a shared human experience. We all have them. Science tells us that we’re not flawed. And by sharing our stories and strategies for overcoming them, we can help each other move forward, one whispered lie at a time.

The next time your doubts whisper lies in your ear, remember you’re not alone and certainly not powerless against them. With labeling, questioning their validity, self-compassion, a support network, and a bit of strategic action, you can talk back and keep moving forward.

Counter every “I can’t” with evidence of “I can”.

(This article was originally published on Medium.com by Mike Curtis)

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