How Not To Take Things Personally

Are you able to hear feedback without resistance?

Do you get defensive when someone suggests an idea?

Do you lose sleep by replaying your conversations with others over and over in your mind?

Your answers to the above questions, if answered honestly may indicate that you may take things personally.

What does it mean to take things personally?

It can mean that you are overly sensitive to others opinions of you.

It can mean that you are inflexible.

It can mean that you think you are right most of the time.

It can mean that you experience more stress as a result of your perspectives.

In today's fast paced and fast changing times being able to not take things personally is a major factor in resiliency.

The root causes of taking things personally are linked to self esteem.

When we have low self esteem we can feel insecure and we can feel threatened.

Self awareness is a critical element of emotional intelligence and knowing our 'triggers' or our tension points can help us be more resilient and less reactive.

In my work as a leadership coach and consultant I have seen many a leader limit his/her/their future potential by taking things too personally.

Let me clarify to say that being sensitive and caring about what others think is a good thing - it's when we go to the end of the spectrum of taking things too personally that we risk losing credibility.

We also risk our own mental well being.

Here are 8 ways how not to take things personally:

1. Increase your self awareness - first recognize that you are taking something personally and then build awareness around your 'triggers' - what causes you to get defensive when given feedback? Why?
2. Focus on being more objective when someone is giving you ideas/feedback/ and have a mantra in your mind such as, "this person is sharing his/her/their opinion it's not all about me."
3. Consider perspectives - when receiving feedback ask yourself, 'what perspective is this person coming from?' for example if you are a C-suite leader and you head up marketing and you are getting feedback from accounting can you see what they are saying from their vantage point?
4. Notice patterns - when you react to feedback or suggestions notice your instant reaction - is it to shut down right away? Why? Where else in your upbringing or life have you reacted defensively or taken things too personally?
5. Remind yourself it's not ALL about you - remind yourself when you feel defensive or are reacting that often we can make a lot of assumptions about someone else's intentions. Take a step back and assess where the other person is coming from. Are they dealing with other stressful factors before they shared their feedback with you? Do you have all the facts?
6. Ask clarifying questions - a lot of times when someone makes a comment or a suggestion we can take it at face value and then ruminate on it later. When feeling that immediate reaction and noticing that you are feeling defensive take a few breaths and ask a few questions such as, "can you give me an example of what you mean?". Then listen objectively to their response.
7. Practice 'observer' listening - a helpful tool is when listening to others is to imagine the there is a 'second you' listening to the dialogue and that you are able to elevate your perspective to one of 'this person is trying to help me' or 'what can I learn from this person's perspective?'.
8. Take action with conscious communication - it's never too late to have a conversation with someone even after the fact that we have been triggered and taken something personally. The opportunity is to learn from the triggering event and then if you have the courage to clear the air. Having the ability to be vulnerable and admit you have taken something personally is a sign of emotional maturity and intelligence.

Recently I had a leader who upon reflection of his personal reaction to a colleague he was able to say, "you know I took what you said the other day really personally. I understand that your intention was to help and add value and I just want you to know I appreciate your input". Once the leader communicated this to the other leader he was surprised when that leader said, "Oh I had no idea that you interpreted my feedback as negative or personal - I will work on my communication too!"

The ability to be resilient and not take things so personally is a super power.