How to Take Rejection Like a Pro (or at Least Like Someone Who’s Not Crying in the Bathroom)

Rejection. The great equalizer. The one thing we all experience but pretend we don’t. Whether it’s that dream job, a romantic interest, or your revolutionary idea for caffeinated soup (which, let’s be honest, was ahead of its time), rejection is as inevitable as your phone battery dying when you need directions the most.

But fear not! I have been rejected so many times that I now consider it a hobby. And because I care about you, dear reader, I will impart my hard-earned wisdom on how to handle rejection with grace, dignity, and only a moderate amount of binge-eating.

Step 1: The Immediate Shock

Rejection hits like a rogue shopping cart in a parking lot—you never see it coming, but suddenly, there you are, questioning your life choices. The key here is to act natural. A simple, “Ah yes, of course, I understand,” while maintaining eye contact and not blinking too much will make it seem like you’re unfazed.

Step 2: The Internal Monologue

This is where you’ll want to analyze every single moment leading up to the rejection. Replay conversations in your head, zoom in on facial expressions, and overthink text messages from three weeks ago. It’s important to completely derail your day by asking yourself, “Was it the way I laughed? Was my handshake too firm? Did I use the word ‘synergy’ incorrectly?”

Step 3: The Denial Phase

Rejection? No, no, no. Clearly, they made a mistake. Maybe the email got lost. Maybe their dog accidentally sent it. Maybe Mercury is in retrograde. Give yourself a few minutes (or hours, depending on the severity of rejection) to completely ignore reality.

Step 4: The Overcompensation

This is when you suddenly feel the need to prove that you’re doing just fine. Update your LinkedIn with a vague but ambitious post about “exciting new opportunities.” Post a selfie with an unrelated motivational quote. If it’s a romantic rejection, it’s crucial that you look like you’ve never been happier in your life. Post a story of you laughing at absolutely nothing. Even if you’re just crying with the camera flipped the other way.

Step 5: The Temporary Life Crisis

At some point, you will inevitably spiral. This is the perfect time to consider reinventing yourself. Maybe you’ll finally move to another country. Maybe you’ll start a farm. Maybe you’ll just get bangs. The point is, you need to briefly consider radical life changes before realizing you don’t actually want to be a goat herder.

Step 6: The Bounce Back

Eventually, you’ll remember that rejection isn’t personal. Even the best have been rejected. J.K. Rowling, Oprah, Steve Jobs—heck, even sliced bread probably had its doubters before people realized how convenient it was. The key to bouncing back is realizing that rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth. Sometimes, it’s just bad timing, a bad fit, or, let’s be real, other people’s bad judgment.

Step 7: The “I’m Over It” Lie

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the final stage. You tell yourself (and everyone within earshot), “Honestly, it was for the best.” You say things like, “I wasn’t even that into them” or “That job wasn’t right for me anyway” with only a hint of bitterness in your voice. You convince yourself that the rejection was a blessing in disguise—even if the disguise is doing a really, really good job.

Wrap Up

And just like that, you’re back on your feet, ready to face the next opportunity, the next challenge, the next inevitable rejection. Because let’s face it, life is full of them—but now, at least, you know how to take them like a pro. Or at least like someone who only cries in the bathroom occasionally.