How to Take an Empathetic Approach to Feedback

WHERE TO: A change to problematic behavior of an employee.

WHERE FROM: Ineffective feedback methods that didn’t drive results.

WHERE NEXT: Adopting a humble approach to understand the reasoning behind poor decisions, advising better alternatives, and offering support to your employee as they work on themselves.

A few decades ago, someone thought it was a great idea to sandwich criticism between praise. The idea spread as if it were the answer to everything that is wrong in providing feedback.

But sandwich feedback is not the answer. Studies have shown, time and time again, that this technique is ineffective. Either people start anticipating the criticism when you praise them and stop hearing the praise altogether, or they dismiss the praising part, believing it’s worthless.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to giving feedback, as this poll clearly shows. Each team member has their preferred method, but still, there are general approaches that work much better than the sandwich one.

In this article, Simon Sinek proposes an alternative rooted in three steps:

• Start with, “Here’s the thing you did.”
• Then, say, “Here’s how I feel about what you did.”
• Follow with, “Here’s the impact of what you did.”

This is similar to another equally effective approach, the FBI method - Feelings, Behavior, Impact. The difference between them is the order of the first two steps, but both approach feedback positively, in a way that makes your team members feel truly appreciated, instead of being scolded.

While these are both effective ways, today I will share with you my approach to feedback. This is the technique I’ve used with my direct reports and apply on some occasions during my coaching sessions.

Use This Simple, Effective Approach for Feedback

What is the purpose of feedback?

Normally, the goal is to change someone’s behavior in the future. It’s to provide them with information they lacked, so they can make more informed decisions from then on. It’s never an attack or a reason to dwell on the past.

My feedback method starts with a humble mindset. You must believe that though you think someone has done something wrong, they may have had some information that you didn’t, and thus their actions were appropriate. It’s a method based on the belief that information was lacking, on either one or multiple sides.

Here’s how I suggest you approach a feedback session next time:

Step 1

TELL the other person the story of what you OBSERVED. Sick to the facts, without mentioning how that made you feel. What you observed is even more innocuous than your feelings about it. Starting here creates a common ground for a productive discussion.

Step 2

MENTION the explicit part of the behavior you believe should have been different. Pinpoint the exact moment, action, or attitude of the other person that drove you to provide feedback.

Step 3

ASK the person why they took that action or said that thing. While they speak, LISTEN attentively to the response. Try your best to understand if the issue is a skills gap that can be fixed or if they lack the will and desire to do it correctly.

Step 4

EXPLAIN why that specific action or comment is problematic. Include any missing information that might have interfered with the person’s thought process. This way, you provide them with a new lens they can use to evaluate future situations.

Step 5

PROVIDE some alternatives for what the person could have done or said. These alternatives should be appropriate in this specific context and be clear ways in which they would have better accomplished their goals.

Step 6

ASK the individual what they think about the alternative perspective and options you provided.

Step 7

Taking into consideration what they just shared, ASK how you can support them in changing their behavior. When should you check in again? How can you best provide additional feedback if you witness or hear about similar mishaps?

You may have noticed that this feedback formula involves ASKING the person about their thoughts several times. It is a much more conversational approach and less of a lecture, which is reminiscent of being sent to the principal’s office in high school. This is intentional. It positions you as someone who assumes that the other party had no bad intentions when they acted, as someone who has their best interest in mind. In the end, they will see you as a partner in their success. What you may find happening when you use this new method is that the person receiving the feedback actually THANKS you for the feedback as Monika Smyczek , SVP of Product at Photoshelter, experienced when she utilized it.

Conclusion

As a product leader, you must develop so many skills that you might not even include “providing feedback” on that list. Some people wouldn’t even consider it a skill. But it is, and a critical one.

A study by the University of Pennsylvania, as reported by Simon Sinek , found that “it is critically important for leaders to be sensitive when providing feedback to employees, and that the more harsh the feedback, the less of a feeling of psychological safety is fostered. This, of course, backfires: it creates a work environment with less communication, collaboration, and openness.”

If you are in a leadership position and are struggling to provide feedback to your direct reports or your peers, I am here to help. I invite you to check my programs to find the right fit for you or schedule a FREE 30-minute chat to talk about your current situation. You can also always send me an email at [email protected] to share your story or a question.