How to take control when leadership fails?

Lessons learned from navigating toxic work environments

Over my 15-year career, I’ve been fortunate to work with many good managers, but I’ve also faced the challenge of working under two “bad bosses”. Most of us might have encountered a "bad boss", although our definition can vary depending on the situation. In my case, these were bosses who, due to a lack of qualifications, seemed insecure, which is understandable. However, their lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence led them to become toxic toward those under their authority, rather than managing their emotions and insecurities effectively.

Though I never wish such bosses for myself or anyone else, I call these challenges an “opportunity” because, despite the tough and at times destructive nature of their behavior, I was able to turn these difficult experiences into valuable growth opportunities with the guidance of mentors, experienced individuals, and support of my loved ones.

Below, I’m sharing my stories because I hear many of us face and tolerate similar challenges in our organizations. I believe it’s crucial to speak constructively about our experiences if we want to drive meaningful change. Relying solely on managers or HR to resolve conflicts is a common misconception—they aren’t necessarily experts in conflict management. Real improvement begins with us.

The first instance occurred when I was junior in my career, not long after I moved from Iran to Europe. I was still feeling insecure in my role and unfamiliar with many of the employee and personal rights that are respected here. When a conflict arose, I fought for integrity and fairness but lacked the courage to confront my boss directly due to fear of hierarchical power and this enabled them to go as far as manipulating my performance records. Instead, I sought support from HR and higher management, aiming to address the conflict constructively, highlighting our areas of improvement in the arguments (of course with my best knowledge of those days). But also I was putting my energy toward getting rid of my boss by presenting documented proof of their false claims against me.

Looking back, I realize that some of my mistakes were hoping to change my boss and expecting fairness within the organization. No surprise that ultimately, my wish was unfulfilled, and after dealing with the conflict for half a year, I left the company as soon as I could to avoid ruining my career. However, For a while, their destructive feedback and bullies left me angry and fragile in my confidence. A damage that could have been permanent if I would not have jumped out of that boat. But despite a lack of integrity and dissatisfaction of my team, which others were also aware of, the boss continued to get promotions some years later.?

However, this crisis marked the beginning of a journey of self-discovery. I learned to reflect on my values, patterns, and self-love, recognizing my insecurities and lack of boundaries that enabled my boss’s behavior. I also had an eye opening moment when I realized how my fears controlled my decisions. This continuing journey has been empowering, not just professionally, but personally as well.

Years later, when I was more secure in my role and my expected standards of a working environment, I faced another "bad boss". This time I recognized their insecure ego and toxic behavior much earlier than my teammates. But in contrast to my last experience, I didn’t try to change my boss or push for fairness in the organization. Following my principle of "Put your energy where you have control" I mainly focused on clear communication and protecting my boundaries, particularly around mutual respect and constructive dialogue. And after a few weeks when it became clear their behavior wouldn’t change, I chose to walk away to uphold my standards, protect my well-being and for the betterment of my team’s spirit. I refused to let fear or anger affect my decision and did not let their toxic behavior undermine my confidence again. To my surprise, my speaking up had a larger impact this time: It drew management’s attention, prompting feedback from the team and shortly after my resignation, the boss was demoted.

These experiences have shown me how much is within our control, yet too often, we leave such issues solely to HR or higher management.

I’m currently exploring related topics like conflict management and crucial conversations further and would love to share my insights to build our collective knowledge. If you’re dealing with similar challenges or interested in these topics, let’s connect and have a dialogue to exchange ideas to make our organizations better for everyone in the long run.