How to Survive Pandemic Parenting

The responsibility of financing and nurturing a human being into a healthy adult is already enormous. Throwing in a viral pandemic, an economic recession, and social unrest is enough to push any parent to their breaking point. This is especially true for mothers, who disproportionately perform domestic labor globally. Even in the United States, where men’s participation in cleaning and caregiving is steadily on the rise, our current crisis has shone a strobe light on the unequal division as women drop out of the labor force due to caregiving pressures. In fact, women accounted for more than 100 percent of job losses in December due in large part to their caregiving responsibilities.

For women lower on the socio-economic ladder, particularly single moms, this challenging climate has propelled them further into survival mode. Last week I was proud to sign on to the Marshall Plan for Moms, an effort spearheaded by Girls Who Code founder Reshma Saujani. We are pushing the Biden administration to implement short-term monthly payment to moms based on needs and resources to support them during this crisis. You can join us by spreading the word and signing on here. For those of us who are more fortunate (as in, you have the bandwidth to read a LinkedIn newsletter), here are my two most important tips for parenting without pulling your hair out. 

First, separate what is happening in your home from your own worthiness or value.

A few days ago I was walking by my 11-year-old daughter’s room. This is what I saw:

There was a time in my motherhood when I would have interpreted this scene as a parenting failure. Her bed isn’t made, the floor is so cluttered there’s no walking path, and with the passing of each pandemic month, her cell phone has become more grafted into her hand as she binges on YouTube. Like many women, I was socially conditioned to believe that what my kids ate, the cleanliness of their environment, the media they consumed, and their grades were a reflection of the quality of my motherhood. But it’s critical to understand that those things are often indicative of factors outside our control—our boss’ deadline, the safety of visiting a grocery store, or the fact that your child’s bedroom is now also their school. 

Instead of beating yourself up, choose one task you’ll complete each day that represents your “mom superpower.” Then attach your value to that one task and #droptheball on feeling guilty about everything else. For me, that one task is engaging my kids in a meaningful conversation. I ask them questions like: “What kind of day did you create today?” or “Who did you laugh with on Zoom?” What matters most to me is that my children grow up to be conscious global citizens. If I can help them to develop a positive relationship with themselves, their peers, and the world around them through daily check-ins, I know I’m an incredible mom—even if it looks like a tornado hit their bedroom and they’re obsessed with an influencer whose name is pronounced “tsunami.” I have confidence these storms shall pass.

Second, seek community and know that you’re not alone.

I connect with many women who believe they’re the ones that are going crazy when it’s actually the world that doesn’t make any sense. In her book, Unfinished Business, Anne-Marie Slaughter outlines how our cultural obsession with breadwinning at the expense of caregiving has been gut-wrenching for women who must do both. The fact that many moms have been driven to their breaking point in isolation is heartbreaking to me.

If you don’t already have a supportive community of moms, find one today. It’s the most effective way to get the resources and the affirmation you need to create sustainability for yourself. At The Cru, we match circles of women who collaborate to meet their life goals. We have cohorts for single moms as well as working moms, among many others. Four of our incredible Cru members have also launched organizations to support parents. Adrienne Prentice is the Founder & CEO of MotherNation. Joyce Cadesca, Raynelle Grace and Amber Wynne have launched famHQ, a mobile concierge service that helps moms get more time and energy back in their day.

If you’re thinking, “Tiffany, I don’t have time to join a group,” here’s a faster way to feel the immediate power of community: the next time you’re stressed about the pile of laundry, the third night of pizza for dinner, or your teenage son’s endless Fortnite trash talk, snap a picture of the chaos and post it on social media with an authentic caption of your feelings. I promise you will get flooded by people thanking you for keeping it real, who then share their own stories of pandemic parenting. You’ll also show other parents that they’re not alone in their own overwhelm.

If you’re a mom who is struggling to balance the demands of a career outside the home, caregiving inside the home, and your own personal well-being, I applaud you and I’m here for you. Ping me at [email protected].