How to Survive the Holidays

Ever been to a holiday gathering where the theme seems to be, “It’s Not Thanksgiving [Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, fill-in-the-blank] Until Somebody’s Crying?”

Oh! Your own?

Well, in a little while you’ll learn the reason for that—or at least one really common reason for that—and how to deal with it this holiday season. And on the way, you’ll learn a few holiday survival skills, too.

It’s Your Holiday, Too

Yes, Jimmy’s first Christmas can be a powerful and inspiring focus—or what could be someone’s last family holiday celebration—but such a focus can also rob you of what matters to you. Following your energy can be the most authentic and genuine way for you to not overdo—or overlook your own needs or the needs of someone else in the family.

Awareness of the energy you have or don’t have for all the tasks involved in a holiday celebration will often allow you to tap into something deeper within you—and that is your true desires. For many of us, the real meaning of any holiday is contact.

You may discover that what happens over and over again is that rather than satisfying, meaningful contact, many holidays simply offer exhaustion. Or, what’s worse, frustrating contact. But for many people, frustrating, openly aggressive or passively aggressive contact is as good as it gets—and often what many of us do get.

Why?

Why do so many people seem to steer experiences of contact toward frustration and apparent dissatisfaction? The answer lies in an imprint that we all receive when we are infants and young children learning to bond with our caregivers.

Imagine a child of less than two years of age. This child must have contact—her life literally depends on it. Have you heard of the children who grew up in a Romanian orphanage? In the early 90s, Romania’s Communist dictatorship crumbled and it was discovered that children in state-run orphanages had been severely neglected. Without touch, they failed to thrive or developed compulsive self-soothing habits. And although these conditions were severe and, thankfully, rare, they illustrate the need a developing child has for contact.

Of course all children who are neurologically and psychologically typical desire satisfying, fulfilling, soothing contact that leads to bonding. But a child deprived of such positive contact will often settle for frustrating, unsatisfying contact.

Psychologists call the bonding that results from frustrating and unsatisfying contact negative merging. And while such contact is dissatisfying it is better than no contact at all.

It’s the Ratio of Positive to Negative Contact that Matters

Throughout childhood we all receive a mix of satisfying contact—potentially leading to positive merging—and unsatisfying, frustrating contact—potentially leading to negative merging. It is the ratio of positive to negative that matters because this ratio creates an imprint in our psyche that guides our bonding behavior.

If our ratio tends toward more negative contact we will be limited in the amount of satisfying contact we can experience—even if we think it should be otherwise.

And, again, unless we become conscious of the imprint we received—and change the associated behaviors—we can be almost hard-wired for frustrating, dissatisfying contact.

We will look like the ideal partner for someone who unconsciously seeks frustrating contact—negative merging.

And that frustrating contact will likely not reach its conclusion until somebody’s angry or frustrated or in tears.

Our Awareness is What Matters

Once you become aware that some people are actually steering their experiences of contact—even their relationships—toward frustrating contact or negative merging—whether it is conscious or not—you can become conscious.

First, the next time you find yourself feeling frustrated or dissatisfied in a situation—say Uncle Doug has begun talking about “young people these days” and your kid matches the description of the type of young person Doug is going on about—notice the physical sensation of your experience of frustration and dissatisfaction.

Frustration and dissatisfaction are physical feelings

Frustration and dissatisfaction can announce their presence with these physical sensations:

· ? ? ? ? Tension in the solar plexus region (defined at the top by the bottom of the sternum, on the sides by the floating ribs, on the bottom by the navel)

· ? ? ? ? Itchy or hot skin

· ? ? ? ? Sweaty palms

· ? ? ? ? Getting hot under the collar

· ? ? ? ? A particular type of hunger—even if your stomach is full

· ? ? ? ? Getting vague or distracted or sleepy

· ? ? ? ? Drinking or eating too much

These physical sensations will be the sign that will allow you to spot the first steps down Frustration Lane—and make choices to avoid the difficulty that certainly lies ahead.

Learning not to react

You’ll begin to notice that the only place you might have control is whether or not you react. It is your reactivity that the frustrated individual is unconsciously after.

When it comes to people who are real pros at negative contact, at first it may take a gargantuan effort to avoid taking the bait they are offering.

And it may actually take more than a couple of tries to avoid reacting and therefore avoid becoming frustrated, but as you become more aware, you will begin to develop skill at deflecting the triggers they use.

You can learn to take a deep breath and shift into the neutral state of observer mode. In observer mode, you have a choice. You are no longer unconsciously recreating a negative childhood experience.

Back to Whose Holiday IS This?

With time, and plenty of awareness, you can begin to shift that imprinted ratio of negative to positive merging by changing your own behaviors. You can literally change the results of contact with others to produce greater satisfaction for yourself. Of course, you may have to limit contact with the most frustrating people in your world.

So as you discover what matters to you about the holidays—and perhaps who matters to you—and as you become less easily triggered and therefore less reactive—you can learn who to engage with and how long. You can stay in touch with your own energy and put that energy where you are most likely to experience positive merging and the satisfaction of genuine contact.

If you’re tired of feeling as if genuine contact is somehow just out of reach, and you would like assistance in understanding your behaviors or the behaviors of others, and you’re ready to create much more satisfying experiences for yourself—whether at home or at work—DM me:

https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/frangallaher/

We can go into more detail about your experience—and the ways you can change your behaviors regardless of the way others behave.

You can create more and more satisfying experiences for yourself and others—although you may have to limit how much time you spend with Uncle Doug!

Happy Holidays!