How to Survive the First Set of Holidays without a Loved One
Perhaps a new custody agreement has the kids spending the holidays with their other parent. Or perhaps this is the first holiday after the death of a loved one. Or perhaps a family member is deployed with limited contact. Or perhaps a recent break-up in a relationship immediately changes the plans already made. Whichever the story, this is the first time things will be different and it is a bit scary. I want to share with you my insight on how to manage this time of the year from someone who has experienced some of the life challenges above.
Be honest. It is easy to stay busy and distracted during the holidays so as not to think or feel the change. While this can be an acceptable coping mechanism for the immediate, denying the difference over a long period of time causes lasting issues. Instead take time away from everyone to acknowledge, process, and emote. Embrace the sadness rather than blocking it. If needed, force the emotions out by watching a sappy movie. Do this exercise alone so true honesty can be achieved.
Be patient. More than likely family and friends will be so caught up in their own holiday experience that they will forget this holiday will be atypical. Trying to get them to experience the same level of disappointment will result in frustration and further isolation. A gentle reminder is more effective than harsh words. Find one or two people with sufficient levels of empathy to express anxiety about the holiday.
Be proactive. Reach out to friends and family inquiring about their holiday plans as a way of reminding them this holiday will be unique. If an invitation for something completely outside of the norm is offered, do not immediately discount it. It might just be what is needed this season. Otherwise, do not wait for an invitation. Take the initiative and make plans ahead of time. This is not the time to be alone or without a strong support network.
Be realistic. The absence of someone will create a dark cloud over a normally joyous time. Often it is the simple unexpected things that catch a person by surprise. It could be an ornament on the tree, a favorite holiday song, a special tradition that was shared only with them, or the absence of other friends and family that normally are present. This year will be hard but it won’t be like this every year. As the years pass, the pain will lessen but the fond memories do not need to disappear.
Be flexible. This is a time of adjustment into possibly new traditions. At first, things might not go so smoothly. It might seem unfamiliar, uncomfortable, distant, or even cold or too hot. Plans may not work out as expected, so be willing to be malleable. Accept this season for what it is, at time of transition and have a back-up plan just in case. It is better to have several plans and not need all of them than it is to have too few and need more.
Create something lasting. If you’ve lost a loved one and the holidays are too painful, consider creating something lasting for the remaining family members and loved ones in your life. This could be a family scrapbook, a handwritten letter you put in a “time capsule” of sorts, volunteering to bring joy to the elderly, shut-ins or sick children, or surprising your invalid neighbor with a home-cooked meal.Remember that it’s the thought that counts. If you give something of yourself with love, it will be remembered and appreciated. You’ll also have a warm spot in your heart knowing you’ve helped bring a little joy to others who need it at this time of the year.
Be reflective. After the holidays, take time to look back and see what did and did not work well. Just because something was done this year, does not mean the following years need to be the same. Talk to friends and family about their favorite traditions. Consider the benefits of doing something totally out of the ordinary such as a cruise or destination holiday. The excitement of a new place every year might be just what is needed going forward.
If you are struggling right now or know someone who is please reach out to Lifeline on 13 11 14 they are available 24/7.
Katherine is a Lifeline WA Ambassador, Chair of the Wanneroo and Communities Suicide Prevention Network, Keynote Motivational Speaker, Educator on Lived Experience as a Suicide Attempt Survivor and a LIFEstyle and Wellness Recovery Coach.