How to Survive The Holidays in 2021 (If That’s Your Kind Of Thing (Surviving Or Holidays))

An essential guide to present-buying, getting out of holiday parties, and eggnog.

PRESENT BUYING TACTICS

‘The Athletic’

This is the tactic by which you deliberately leave all of your Christmas shopping to Christmas Eve.? While many people do this through a combination of disorganisation and indifference, optimal utility can be achieved by employing this tactic deliberately.

Rather than waste precious afternoons through November and December ambling half-heartedly through shops, second-guessing your decisions on the hope that ‘I might find something better’ (you won’t), you force yourself to get everything done in just one precious day.

This particular approach gets its name from the fact that this is only possible (if you hope to give the gifts the following day) if you are shopping in-store, and with this comes a lot of literal leg work.??

What ‘The Athletic’ forces you to do is make decisions quickly, be decisive, and only make short but meaningful stops at the pub.? One happy side effect of this process is that, with the deadline looming over you like a mall Santa asking a recent divorcee what they like to do for fun, you are likely to spend more on the gifts that you might if you didn’t have social life, and had gently chipped away at the task over a period of weeks.

RATING

Efficiency: 5/5

Cost: 2/5

Quality: 4/5

‘The System 2’

This tactic takes its name from behavioural psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s concept of the dual nature of our brain.? System 1 is the part of the mind that makes ‘knee-jerk’ reactions (“yes I’ll have another cookie” - jumps at loud noises - I hate this person I’ve only just met but I don’t know why), and System 2 is the bit that hastily post-rationalises the decisions that System 1 makes, in order to maintain the illusion that we have ultimate agency over our own internal world (spoiler alert: we don’t).

With this in mind, you decide a price point for each person, find gifts that match those price points exactly, then fabricate a justification for why you purchased these gifts for each person.? It is essential when employing ‘The System 2’ that you write, in detail, the explanation you came up with.? Not only does this cover your arse, but it also looks like you put a lot of thought into it (which arguably you might have, but not in a way that will make most people feel particularly rosey about it).

Example:?

Dear Grandma,?

Seasons Greetings!

I know you have been complaining that it is getting harder and harder to get out of your car as the years go on, and I searched far and wide for a solution!

I really hope you love the quad bike.? With the high riding position and lack of doors, getting on and off it should be a breeze by comparison.

Much love,

RATING

Efficiency: 1-5/5 (dependant on levels of creativity)

Cost: 5/5 (optimal in that you have ultimate control over the price point)

Quality: 1/5

‘The Brassic’

2021 has been pretty shitty financially for a lot of people, so I have included a very low cost, and coincidently very low-intensity tactic, should you choose to do your shopping online.

‘The Brassic’ involves waiting until the boxing day sales and doing all of your shopping then.

The one point of friction will occur when you don’t have anything to give people on Christmas day.? So this bit will require a bit of planning.

In the days before Christmas, you need to start casually mentioning to your family (or whomever you feel deserves presents) that you’re worried that the gifts you bought online won’t turn up in time.? Pepper these comments across the family tree so all of the relevant people are in the loop.? This way, when you show up empty-handed at the tree on Christmas Day, they will only be disappointed, rather than being surprised and disappointed.

This tactic is slightly more palatable to everyone involved if you at least have purchased cards for everyone.? Bonus points if the note mentions how devastated you are that they could get the gift that you looked so long and so hard for, because just it reminded you of that amazing and unforgettable time when you both…? You get it.

RATING

Efficiency: 4/5

Cost: 1/5

Quality: 3/5

‘The Louis Xavier’

Named after one of the UK’s most underrated child actors, former pyjama model, and Massive Attack's principle banjo player, this is simplicity at its most festive.

The approach involves buying the same present for everyone for which you need to buy presents.??

The End.

I do, however, urge you to employ a touch of ‘The System 2’ by weaving a plausible back-story for why this set of lewd coasters/papal figurine/book on ferret taxidermy is so important that it needs to be shared with all of your most important people (or at least the ones you feel obligated to purchase presents for).

RATING

Efficiency: 5/5

Cost: 3/5

Quality: 2-4/5

HOLIDAY PARTY TACTICS

We have been dealt a fairly easy hand this year, with many company Christmas parties being shelved, and gatherings at private residences most likely going the same way in many cases.

However, should you have the misfortune of being emotionally blackmailed into attending an event against your will, here are a couple of approaches to bear in mind in order to minimise the unpleasantness.

‘The Flashy Smash & Grab’

For this, the event needs to be of sufficient size that the host will not be able to greet each and every guest individually.

Aim to arrive at such a time that the event will be at its busiest.? Take off your coat as you walk in, then once you have located the host, walk up to them as you put your coat on, exclaiming “What a fabulous party, darling, so glad for some festive cheer in these dark times.? Shame we didn’t get time for a proper catch-up, let’s get your people to talk to my people.” before turning around and walking straight back to the taxi you arrived in (ideally snagging a canape and a glass of something on your way out).

‘The Front-Loader’

Organising parties of any size is at its most nerve-wracking the moment the doors open and no one rushes in.? Use this to your advantage by being the first there, right at the stated start time.??

You will “enjoy” some very high-visibility face time with the host, who will be thankful that someone showed up on time to mitigate their anxiety about potentially being way less popular than they had previously thought.? You will be able to enjoy the food at its freshest, the entry-level Champagne at its bubbliest, and the bathrooms at their least congested.

Once enough people have arrived that the host is sufficiently distracted, simply slip away unannounced.? Follow this with a text 3 hours later to say that you have left, and “thanks for such a lovely night”. They will hopefully assume that you did the distance.

‘The Pace-Car’

In the words of Dylan Kidd from his indie movie Roger Dodger, ‘every party needs a pace car’, and there is no good reason why this can’t be you.

The beauty of this approach is that it can be combined with either of the above approaches.

Get in early enough that the good booze isn’t all gone, and get to work.??

In order to conceal your activity, it is important to work out who the other serious drinkers are, this way your personal intake is less likely to arouse suspicion.

One thing to bear in mind when executing on ‘The Pace-Car’, is that it is hard to predict what kind of dismount you will end up with.??

You may sense the black-out coming on, and slur a goodbye to your host, who will most likely be relieved that they have dodged a big shouty bullet, as you stumble out.

Another possible scenario involves you being asked to leave.? No bueno.? But job done.

And finally, you may cognitively black out, but continue to function on some basic motor survival level, working from your pure unfettered Id, and in this glorious moment of luminous purity you touch the hearts of those around you, pouring joy into their lives with insight unblemished by social niceties or anxieties, speaking as the Platonic form of a good person, embodying all that it means to be human and brilliant, radiating a poetic love and warmth into the opaque and unforgiving darkness of the world to the rapture of the lives you touch.

This last potentiality is something of a statistical moonshot, and you won’t remember any of it, but I felt that it was worth including.

A COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO EGGNOG?

Don’t do it (unless it has been made by the German back-packer that AirBnB’d your flatmate’s room [there is a back-story here, which I would be only too happy to elaborate on in person]).

Instead, drink these:

Pumpkin Spiced Black Mexican

50ml Tequila

20ml Kaluha

15ml Starbuck Pumpkin Sauce

Build in a rocks glass over ice.? Stir.?

I Dream Of Clementine

20ml Clementine juice

10ml Dry Gin

Champagne

Build in a flute.

Velvet Thunder

1 Pint of Guinness

8 shots of Whiskey

Drink separately.

Negroni di Natale

20ml Gin (Roku or Botanist work well)

20ml Red Vermouth

20ml Campari

Shake and strain into a rocks glass over ice, garnish with 12 cloves pushed through a slice of orange peel (skin but not pith) and a cinnamon stick.

The Amateur

9 pints of continental-strength lager

Hydroponic Weed

Aggressively drink all 9 pints, then smoke, like, way too much of the weed.

I hope that these tips and tricks help you better navigate the turbulent festive waters this holiday season.