How suicide taught me to flow with life.

October 31st, 2018 - The night I nearly took my life.

I must preface this entire article by saying; I enjoy the uneasy, but real conversations (or reads in this case). I like the idea that an article like this can provide both some level of solace and or insight with topics like mental health, suicide etc. Reason being that I do believe it is by sharing these experiences, we as society, collective etc can both not only become more empathetic across ethnicities, backgrounds, nations but also begin to come up with a lexicon of solutions for the next generation. That is, if we haven't found a way to code depression out of our genes yet, but that's a topic for another article... With all this said I do hope you can see yourself in the transitions from the mires of depression, or at the very least have an understanding that although our experiences are different, at some degree we never go through these situations alone :).

Halloween.. 2018

It was an interesting (by interesting I mean post perspective) night when I think back on it. Where as I found myself, despite having a good time - crippled by my depression, and finally feeling the brunt of just about everything I've been through post my brothers passing. But beyond that - feeling the new job stress, parental conflicts (lived with my parents at that time), and relationship stress, I was quickly on my swift decent to melancholiac themed madness. Add the feeling of guilt of your brothers passing, and there you have a powder-keg full of emotional issues one may have to contend with. It was at this point where I found myself albeit at a halloween party with my now ex, and nearly demanding myself to have fun, the night wasn't going as planned.

Time went on during the party, and after nearly an hour or two of being a complete recluse me and my ex were growing frustrated. Her at me for not being more social, especially with this being the first introduction to her friends circle and I at her for not being more understanding - but neither of us were perfect. We took the disagreement outside and after some time in between our last drinks and final words, we both decided to go home separately that night. I thought the idea of taking up my own mantle alone would be a good idea, and in some regards it was and wasn't. What I didn't know was the fuse to my internal powder keg was lit.

Sadness manifested itself into frustration, and after having some time to myself at the bar, I decided it was time to go home, and the safest way to do that was via train. Little did I know I'd have another life changing moment. As I continued my way home, I decided to take the R train. My frustration growing as I took every step, a barrage of berating comments conjured up inside me like a demonic jeanie who knew it's main mission was to irritate me with open ended questions, replaying the scenes from just about everything that happened in my life with this night being peppered in. What was infuriating me the most was my seemingly inability to get a grasp on things - at that moment it truly felt like I had no control over what was happening in my life, at least I didn't feel like I had a solid grasp on the reality I worked to cultivate anymore.

Walking towards the subway, I bumped into a rather large gentlemen. Looking at me he gave the typical warning "watch were you're going" but that night I had some choice words of my own as well. Safe to say I didn't think it would fare well to be in a situation where I'd have to fight, but with my mood considered - If I were going to have to channel my emotion somewhere, it would have to be here. The large man stepped up and made it known that he did have a weapon on his person. It was at this moment I motioned him to use it - as if I truly wanted that to happen, if I wasn't already 4 whiskey neat's deep at that time I would have probably never bumped into him in the first place.

To my luck he declined the invitation to combat, which was relief for me deep down inside. But of course this was all done in the middle of a busy Brooklyn street, so naturally this drew a crowd. So I had to play it cool, unfazed, but it was here that I decided I was going to "call it day" so to speak, & began my descent into the subway.

Not wanting to be near anyone, I made my way towards the middle - top section of the platform. It looked empty and with not a lot foot traffic, it seemed like the appropriate spot to wait for my self imposed demise. I waited for the train, it seemed like forever with the amount of time it took to get to where I was. This gave me a lot of time to think, Although I was still eager to see the light, both physically and figuratively, only time would tell which I'd actually see first.

As fate would have it, two officers made their way down the disheveled steps. They were tipped off about the impending street fight, but because no fighting actually ensued, they were coming through the area just to be safe. Begrudgingly I believed the officers "you fit the description" script and played along. Little did I know what was about to happen next ; they simply asked me "what's wrong?" and that is when I had a true "unpacking" moment. Perhaps I was asked this before, but the question never resonated with me as much as it did in that moment. As I made my way back over towards the wall I eventually slid down it letting the train pass me by, and I'm very happy I did.

It's been 3 years since my thwarted attempt at "re-spawning" onto the other side, and to be frank - I'm happy I went through that. Why? Because it was getting onto the other side of that fiasco that helped me understand three things. Three things which I feel people from all walks of life can understand. The first one being - we are truly the creators of our universe. You may be asking yourself what I mean by that - here it is. When I say we are the creators of our universe, I literally mean just that. What you think about yourself, your situation and your ability to grow beyond what figuratively holds you down, all shapes your current reality. Therefore, to some degree, (and this may be a tough pill to swallow) we ourselves are solely responsible for both how we react to life, what we get out of it, and vice versa. If your thoughts proceed your actions - then surely we act out either the best or worst thoughts on a subconscious basis - everyday. Think about it this way;

Thoughts (+ or -) > actions (+ or -) > results (+ or -)

So if we can think the worst of ourselves, surely we can think the best of ourselves as well..right?

The second of which, which admittedly took me a while to understand is, these stories, our stories of tragedy turned triumph are to be broadcasted! Think about it this way, you went through what you went through, and survived. Did you end up with some battle scars? Of course, but the greatest warriors always do. Now's the time to speak on it. Somewhere, someone is going through something similar, and your story may help them along the way.

Lastly, we are here to flow with life. What are your hopes and dreams? You can achieve them y'know. Most of the time, if not every time - we chose a conventional path in life, thinking we're making a practical choice because we believe our deepest desires are not attainable, simply because we cannot mentally carve out the path to get there. But the journey to it isn't entirely up to us & what we desire, desires us as well.

We unknowingly cling to our physical senses believing that all there is in this world is simply physical, causing us to become reactive towards life, as opposed to flowing with it. But life cannot be so black and white. Take for example - physics. We have no idea what forces in this universe facilitate both it's continuity and perpetuate it's ever expanding "self." I have no doubt in my mind that what we often see as potential negatives in our lives can possibly be for the greater good. There are no losses in life - merely transitions to something greater, even when at the moment life seems bleak.

Remember life is all about living an experience, wether we want to admit it or not our clocks are ticking, with that said - what do you want your life to be like? What experiences do you want to have? What story will you tell before you go? For it is those stories that will bestow strength and wisdom to the next generation. When it's all said and done - who do you want to be remembered as?

Thank you for reading. Until next time - be well :)

R. Serge Roy

Authors quip - If you are going through, or have been having depressive and, or suicidal thoughts I do want you to know you are not alone, and my inbox is open to you if you ever need to vent. When I'm not working, I make music (although it has been a while since I've made anything new) here's a song I made called Fade Away pertaining to this very topic. I hope you find some solace within it. ??