How to Be a Successful Government Contractor; or something
How to Be a Successful Government Contractor
So, you want to be a government contractor? You crave the thrill of navigating bureaucratic labyrinths, the joy of deciphering thousand-page RFPs written in a language only an AI could understand, and the unmatchable satisfaction of submitting the same compliance forms repeatedly, just to prove you’re still a functioning entity? Well, buckle up. Here’s a guide to help you achieve success in the world of government contracting.
Step 1: Master the Art of Bureaucratese
Forget plain English—government contracting requires fluency in a cryptic dialect called Bureaucratese. If an RFP says, “Provide an executable solution with synergistic optimization methodologies,” don’t panic. This simply means, “Do the thing, and make it efficient.” But say it simply, and you’ll be eliminated in round one.
Pro tip: Pepper your proposals with phrases like "value-added implementation,” "stakeholder alignment,” and "mission-critical scalability.” Nobody knows what they mean, but they sound impressive.
Step 2: Befriend the Acronyms
The government loves acronyms. To truly fit in, you’ll need to embrace them wholeheartedly. If you don’t know your FAR from your DFARS, or your GSA from your RFP, you might as well go home. The trick is to throw them around with confidence. For example:
“Our compliance with FAR 52.203-13 is solid, and we have extensive experience under GWACs, IDIQs, and BPAs.”
Boom. Instant credibility.
Step 3: Develop Unnatural Patience
The government procurement process moves at roughly the same speed as continental drift. While waiting for contract approvals, you might have time to earn a law degree, learn to juggle, and train for a triathlon. If you hear back in less than six months, assume there was a clerical error.
Pro tip: Perfect the follow-up without being annoying email. Something along the lines of "Dear [Insert Agency], just following up on our proposal submission from last fiscal year. We are still eager to assist with [whatever vague service you offered]." Repeat as necessary.
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Step 4: Assemble a Proposal Dream Team
A government proposal is not written by a single person but rather conjured into existence by a small army. You will need:
Step 5: Don’t Underbid Yourself Into Oblivion
Winning a contract by being the lowest bidder is like winning a date by promising to pay for dinner—it’s technically a victory, but it’s going to be miserable. The government will happily accept your impossibly cheap bid and then expect gold-plated results. Instead, price competitively but realistically. Remember: past performance matters—you want to stick around long enough to bid again.
Step 6: Prepare for the Dreaded Compliance Audits
Once you win a contract, expect frequent audits that make the IRS look like amateurs. Did you invoice for 4.9 hours but accidentally work 5.1? That’s a violation. Have a minor typo in your subcontractor agreement? Time to explain yourself to an auditor who wields FAR clauses like a medieval knight with a sword.
Pro tip: Hire a compliance consultant who has memorized every clause of the FAR. Alternatively, just tattoo the most common ones on your arm for quick reference.
Step 7: Be Ready for the Next Shutdown
At some point, everything will grind to a halt because Congress can’t agree on a budget. Government shutdowns are a rite of passage for contractors. If you’re lucky, you’ll get paid eventually. If not, well—time to moonlight as a barista until funding is restored.
Conclusion
Government contracting is not for the faint of heart, but with a blend of resilience, jargon mastery, patience, and humor, you too can thrive in this complex ecosystem. Just remember: the secret to success is to embrace the absurdity, fill out the paperwork correctly (the first time), and always, always have a compliance expert on speed dial.