?? How to Strategically Choose Your People (Pt. 3) | Sparring Partners - Diamyn Hall

Welcome back to The Winners Formula - Unlocking the winner within, at 5:55am.

Before we dive into

1. What sparring partners are.
2. Why sparring partners are important.
3. Principles to select your sparring partners.
4. Results of building a circle of sparring partners.

Let's quickly recap the first 2 parts of this series...

• Part 1 - Introduction to "The 4 Circles" Framework
• Part 2 - Selecting Your Board of Directors

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The Problem - As a super-achiever, society has taught you to believe that in order to reach your dreams, aspirations, and goals you have to "figure it out alone".

The Possibility - You can achieve much more with the right circles people in your corner than you ever could alone.

The Perspective Shifting Study - "Harvard Study of Adult Development" began in 1938 and is still ongoing as one of the longest running studies of adult life ever conducted.?The study has followed over 700 men throughout their lives, tracking their health & well-being, relationships, and most importantly their happiness.?

• Relationship Principle #1 - Social connections are essential for our health, well-being, and longevity in the game of life.
• Relationship Principle #2 - Good relationships are not only good for our bodies, but also for our brains.
• Relationship Principle #3 - The quality of our relationships are more important than the quantity.
• Relationship Principle #4 - The quality of our relationships, life satisfaction, and happiness is intergenerational.
• Relationship Principle #5 - Be incredibly selective about who you share your time with.

"The 4 Circles" Framework - The 4 main "circles of people" who super-achievers should surround themselves with in the game of life (in order to BECOME more, DO more, ACHIEVE more , & GIVE more).

1. ?? Your Board of Directors & Mentors - Your circle of mentors, coaches, trusted advisors who are highly experienced go-to people that provide you believable advice, wise counsel, strategic direction for important decisions in your life and career.
2. ?? Your Sparring Partners - Your circle of professional peers who challenge you, push your boundaries, and help you strengthen your skill stack through healthy competition, constructive feedback, and collaborative innovation.
3. ?? Your Inner Circle - Your circle of people who love, support, and believe in you unconditionally because of who you are, not what you do.
4. ?? Your Tribe - The circle of people who look to you for leadership, coaching, mentorship, guidance, & advice because they believe in what you stand for, look to you as a role model, and desire to learn from you.

LETS DIVE IN...

What is a “sparring partner”?

A sparring partner is someone who is highly skilled in their area of expertise (skilled enough for you to want to learn from them). Unlike your board of directors and mentors, age typically doesn't play a role here. They can be much older or much younger. Your sparring partners are those who inspire you, push you, and challenge you to enhance a specific skill stack in order to become better at what you do.

What’s the purpose of a “sparring partner”?

In my world, the purpose of sparring partners is to make one another sharper, better, and hone each other's skill stack so that you can continue improving yourselves in order to positively impact the people you serve, coach, or lead.

What is a “skill stack”?

The unique combination of skills that an individual has acquired through education, training, and/or experience.

What is “skill stacking”?

The idea behind skill stacking says that if you want to be the best in the world at what you do, then you have two paths:

1. Become the best at one specific thing (nearly impossible).
2. Become excellent (top 25%) at two or more things (way easier).

Let me share a few pictures with you to give you context. It might take re-reading this section a few times to grasp the concept.

The easiest way to become the best in the world by being good at several complementary skills that, when combined, sets you apart from everyone else.

Here's what I mean...

Skill stacking is about deliberately acquiring a variety of skills from different domains or disciplines, and then integrating them in a way that sets you apart from everyone else in the world.

Here’s a small snapshot of my skill stack:

• Leadership Development
• Culture & Teamwork Development

• Psychology & Human Performance?
• Coaching?& Consulting
• Workshop Design & Facilitation
• Systems Thinking & Design
• Marketing & Sales
• Public Speaking

As you can see, developing your skill stack is important on the journey to becoming the best you can be in your career.

But what does your skill stack have to do with your sparring partners?

Don't worry, if you haven't figured it out already I'm confident your brain will make the connection soon.

Keep reading ??

Why is it vital to build a team of “sparring partners”?

Look, if you're someone who loves your work like I do, loves impacting people in a positive way, and is always seeking new ways to improve your skill stack (in order to expand your positive impact), then your sparring partners will be the most invaluable circle of people to have in your corner.

Iron sharpens iron.

Right now, I'm grateful to have around 3 sparring partners per skill stack (my list I shared with you above). Which means my current circle of sparring partners includes a group of 30 experts with diverse skill stacks. Most of them are in the top 10% in their industries and are much more skilled than me in their domains...by a long shot. It's very special because I remember in 2017 when I only had 1 sparring partner.

Quick story - After I counted how many sparring partners I have (while writing this), I decided to conduct my own research experiment ?? (that lasted for about 2.5 hours). I wanted to know if my circle of sparring partners had anything in common. So I started by listing the top 15 strengths & characteristics next to each of their names (this took a solid hour), then went back and highlighted the commonalities each of them possessed...

Here's what all 30 of my sparring partners have in common:

1. Contagiously PASSIONATE - They are so passionate about what they do that it inspires you (emotional contagion ).
2. Intrinsically DRIVEN - They are intrinsically motivated to grow themselves in order to impact the world in a positive way.
3. Wildly AMBITIOUS - They strive for "impossible" goals/targets no matter what the world says.
4. Engagingly CURIOUS - They are always seeking, asking, questioning, & exploring.
5. Freakishly SKILLED - They take a mastery approach to their work & skill development.

These 5 things are what makes this group special.

These things are just in their DNA.

?? The 3 Elements of Your Sparring Partner Relationships

In each relationship with my sparring partners, we constantly elevate, uplift, and refine each other's skill stacks through mutual:?

• Challenge. Exploring uncharted territories in our craft, challenging each other to improve, pressure testing innovative approaches, & pushing industry boundaries.
• Collaboration. Consistently exchanging perspectives, new ideas, & giving/receiving believable feedback.
• Competition. Yes…I said it. In fact, I believe this is one of the most important components for an effective relationship with your sparring partners (note: this is the only circle of people where this is beneficial).

Allow me to dive deeper with the "competition" element...

The problem: Most of the population (including you ??) has been socialized to view competition as “going against” someone else...

The truth: The word “competition” derives from the Latin root word “competere”, which means “to strive together”.

...read that again (you might want to read it out loud this time ??)

It's interesting, whenever I share this with people for the first time, they’re often taken back & experience an epiphany ("aha") moment right away.

Why?

• Because most people have developed such a unhealthy frame around the idea of “competition”. As a result, they’ve yet to figure out how to appropriately apply “competition” to their career. Let alone relationships with other people.

The fact of the matter is, there's nothing unhealthy about competition (until you make it so).

In fact, its origin is rooted in positivity.?Let's revisit one more time.

The word “competition” derives from the Latin root word “competere”, which means “to strive together”.

It’s about lifting while you climb. Meaning, the relationship between you and your sparring partner is ultimately about each of you climbing the mountain of excellence while lifting each other up along the way.?

If you really want to build a strong circle of sparring partners who you can experience hyper growth with, then your perception, association, & approach to “competition” will need to shift for good:

Remember, the overall goal is to make each other better...

To lift while you climb.

To burn this concept of (competition = competere = to strive together) into your brain, let me ask you a question...

When would you run faster?

• By yourself?
• Or with someone else?

WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

So what does that mean??

It means you and I need other people to push us to a level that we couldn't get to on our own.?(read that again...)

When you allow these new ways of looking at "competition" to take root into your brain, then it will crack open a new world of possibilities for you & your sparring partners. In fact, you’ll find that your skill development will make quantum leaps that you’ve never experienced before.

Why??

Because:

1. Iron sharpens iron.
2. Shared ambition drives massive progress.
3. Competition is the heartbeat of innovation & the gymnasium for champions.

Let’s look at how history proves this…

• Magic Johnson needed Larry Bird.?
• The Bulls needed the Pistons.
• Kobe needed MJ.
• Roger Federer needed Rafael Nadal.
• Tiger Woods needed Phil Mickelson.
• Cristiano Ronaldo & Lionel Messi.
• Wayne Gretzky & Mario Lemieux.
• Muhammad Ali & Joe Frazier.
• Serena Williams & Venus Williams.
• Tom Brady & Peyton Manning.
• New York Yankees & Boston Red Sox.
• Steve Jobs & Bill Gates.
• Microsoft & Apple.
• Elon Musk & Jeff Bezos.
• Coca-Cola & PepsiCo.
• McDonald's & Burger King.
• Marvel & DC Comics.
• Nike & Adidas.
• FedEx & UPS.
• Amazon & Walmart.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

There is nothing wrong with competition! In fact, we need it!

I'll say it again...

You and I need other people to push us to a level that we couldn't get to on our own. That's why your circle of sparring partners is so important. This is the only circle of people it's "ok" to compete with. It's like having sport teammates all over again, except this time as a professional. They challenge you, compete ("spar") with you, & give you feedback in order to become the best version of yourself.

"Choose people who will push you to your limits, and help you exceed them." - Unknown

?? PRINCIPLES FOR SELECTING YOUR SPARRING PARTNERS ??

PRINCIPLE #1 - Each sparring partner you select should be just as good or better than you at the specific skill stack you’re trying to improve or master. When chosen well, you and your sparring partners will have a healthily competitive, yet supportive dynamic where both parties are deeply driven to consistently improve and learn from each other's weaknesses, strengths, experiences, insights, expertise, and skill stacks. For example, all of my current sparring partners right now are better than me in all of the respective domains that I listed out for you earlier. I’ve found this to be beyond advantageous.

"When you surround yourself with people who are better than you, it brings out the best in you." - Unknown

PRINCIPLE #2 - Benchmarking will serve you & your sparring partners well (believe it or not). Your sparring partner's levels of proficiency in a particular skill stack can serve as a constant benchmark for your own progress. You can use their level of skill as a reference point to gauge your own development and identify areas where you can improve. The idea that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ couldn’t be further from the truth. Comparison is not the thief of joy...Envy is. Resenting others' success is what actually breeds misery, not comparison. On the other hand, admiring and appreciating others' successes and skill stacks brings inspiration, curiosity, and learning. Look, we all compare ourselves to other people - it’s literally how our brains are wired. The key to successful benchmarking comes from simply doing the opposite of what society has taught you to do. Here's what I mean...

What most people do (the downward spiral):

• Compare → feel envy & jealous → view self as lesser than →?gossip or do nothing. → repeat.

What the top 1% do (the upward spiral):

• Benchmark → feel inspired & curious → learn from them?→ improve self → repeat.

"Benchmarking allows you to take the best of what others have already figured out and apply it to your own world, thereby accelerating your learning and success." - Brian Tracy

PRINCIPLE #3 - Believability based feedback will be paramount. Giving and receiving pointed feedback to enhance each other's skill stack, agility, performance, and decision-making is everything. A skilled sparring partner will provide you with believable & valuable feedback simply because they understand the nuances and intricacies of the skills you're focused on improving. As a result, this allows them to give you precise guidance and advice while helping you identify areas for improvement and suggesting practical solutions or strategies.?

"The best feedback is feedback that leads to positive behavior change." - Unknown

PRINCIPLE #4 - Mutual respect, appreciation, & encouragement must be the fundamental cornerstones of the relationships with your sparring partners. When these three principles become subconscious habits within your dynamic, then all progress, achievement, & growth will be amplified. It's the belief in each other's vision, strengths, and skills that fuels the fire of excellence, driving you both towards shared & separate success. While this sparring partnership may be highly competitive, it also organically fosters a deeply supportive dynamic because both of you understand the struggles, adversity, & efforts that come with attempting to be the best version of yourselves for the world…which will in turn lead to empathy, encouragement, & empowerment.

PRINCIPLE #5 - You and your sparring partners must actively practice Mudita. Mudita is your ability to proactively experience genuine joy and happiness for someone else's good fortune, successes, & achievements. If you select sparring partners who are super-achievers like you and I, then there will be a frequent amount of milestones, goals, accomplishments, and successes taking place inside of both of your careers. Therefore, pro-actively acknowledging, creating space for, & celebrating each other's hard earned successes (without allowing jealousy or envy to get in the way) will be paramount to these meaningful relationships.

• In fact, research says that how we respond to others when they share their accomplishments, successes, or good fortune is actually a strong predictor of the long-term success of a relationship (more so than how we respond to negative disclosures). Psychologist Shelly Gable says, there are four different ways that people can respond to positive disclosures (see the simple doodle I drew for you below).

Study all 4 of these for a moment...

Even though this article is about how to select your sparring partners, I still want to emphasize something important here...

It's your responsibility to be a great sparring partner too. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THIS PRINCIPLE.

Let me be radically transparent with you so you know how important this principle is...

In my world, I ONLY surround myself with those who:

1. Respond to others good fortune in an active constructive way.
2. Actively practice mudita. & I hold myself to the same standards.

So what's my point?

Allowing people to be apart of your world who respond negatively or passively to your good fortune just doesn't make any sense.

It isn't good for anyone.

So what do you do if you notice someone respond in a negative or passive way to good news that you share with them?

Do you totally cut them out of your life?

Do you try to change them?

Here's a simple 3 step approach:

1. Notice their responses (the first 10 times is all you need see).
2. Accept the way they naturally respond to other's good fortune (without trying to change them).
3. Adjust your future decisions accordingly.

Anyway, back to the 2 exercises I promised you...

Exercise #1 - Objectively evaluate yourself.

1. Ask yourself - "How do I respond to others when they share their good fortune with me?" "Do I respond in a passive constructive, passive destructive, active destructive, or active constructive way?"
2. Reflect, Rewind & Write - List the last 10 interactions when someone shared their good news with you.
3. Objectively study yourself - Next to each interaction, write down which of the four ways you responded. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Don't make excuses for yourself, give yourself grace, or engage in cognitive dissonance. This is about you objectively seeing how you currently respond to other's good fortune. By the way, passive constructive is not good.
4. Own your facts and adjust accordingly - This could be an article by itself. If you need some guidance on next steps after you do this exercise feel free to DM me.

"Study yourself. Find your strong points and make them stronger as well as your weak ones and strengthen them. Study yourself carefully and you will see yourself as you really are." - William Atkinson.

Variation for Executives - I'll have executives create an excel sheet with a list of each of their employees names. Then I have them list the last 5 interactions with each (when their employees did something positive - big and small). Then I have them list one of the four ways they responded to each... They quickly see who they are actively destructive towards, passively constructive towards, passively destructive towards, and actively constructive towards. Some of them will break down crying when they see how differently they treat their people (often because they are genuinely unsure why they treat them different). Research shows that most executives are passive destructive or passive constructive (which are both unacceptable). My message is always the same - No matter what adversity you're experiencing in your own life, no matter how much you "like" each person, respond in an actively constructive way with each of their successes and accomplishments. It's just what great leaders do.

Variation for Coaches - I'll have the Head Coach list their full roster. List the last 5 interactions with each (when they scored a goal, made a great pass, shared a success in their life, etc). Then list one of the four ways they responded to each interaction...They quickly see how they respond to each of their players good fortune. Most coaches are passive destructive or passive constructive (which are both unacceptable). My message is always the same - No matter what adversity you're experiencing in your own life, no matter how much you "like" each athletes, respond in an actively constructive way with each of their successes and accomplishments. It's just what great coaches do.

Variation for Athletes - I'll have an athlete list their roster of teammates, list the last 5 interactions with each (when they scored a goal, made a shot, made a great pass, etc), then list one of the four ways they responded to each interaction...They quickly see who they are actively destructive towards, passively constructive towards, passively destructive towards, and actively constructive towards. My message is always the same - No matter what adversity you're experiencing in your own life, no matter how much you "like" each teammate, respond in an actively constructive way with each of their successes and accomplishments. It's what great leaders, teammates, and people do.

Exercise #2 - Objectively evaluate the top 3, 5, or 10 people you spend the most of your time with.

1. List out the top 5 people you spend the most of your time with.
2. Next to their names, write down the last 5 interactions when you shared disclosed a success of yours, an accomplishment, a milestone, etc.
3. Next to each interaction, write down which one of the 4 ways they responded to your good fortune (do not make excuses for their responses. This is about objectively seeing what's actually happening in each relationship. For some of you this may be scary to think about doing...But I'll have you consider the possibility that you need to see the results.)
4. Face the facts and adjust accordingly - This could be an article by itself. If you need some guidance on next steps after you do this exercise feel free to DM me.

Back to your sparring partners...??

?? THE RESULTS OF BUILDING A STRONG CIRCLE OF SPARRING PARTNERS

RESULT #1 - Heightened Inspiration. The presence of the right sparring partners goes beyond mere motivation; they plant deep rooted seeds of inspiration. It's important to note the distinction between the two - motivation often comes from external factors, while inspiration springs from inner passion and purpose. Motivation is momentary, inspiration can last a lifetime. Motivation comes from outside, inspiration comes from the inside. Motivation pushes you, while inspiration pulls you. Your sparring partners, whether they are in the same field as you or not, become another source of inner fire. They inspire you to reach for loftier goals, not out of obligation, but because their dedication and relentless pursuit of excellence resonates with your own aspirations. They not only push you forward; they light a fire within you, elevating your standards and driving you to persistently strive for more. The journey isn't just about progress; it's about shared inspiration on the path to BECOMING more, DOING more, HAVING more, and SERVING more.

RESULT #2 - Egoless Growth. Each person's obsession for growth, skill stacking, and massive impact eliminates ego conflicts. I've discovered that when your sparring partners share an unwavering passion for growth and impact, something remarkable happens – ego conflicts virtually disappear. The synergy of two people who are deeply committed to honing their skill stacks and impacting the world in a positive way results in a relationship where personal pride gives way to a collective pursuit of excellence. The focus shifts from asserting dominance to fostering mutual growth, making it possible for each of you to thrive without the hindrance of ego-driven conflicts. In fact I've found that confidence & humility increases while egos decrease. Something incredibly special happens here.

RESULT #3 - Continuous Challenge. A strong circle of sparring partners is a catalyst for everlasting challenge & improvement. When your sparring partners possess equal or superior skills, every interaction naturally challenges your thinking, decision making, and skills, compelling you to step out of your comfort zone and explore uncharted territory. With your sparring partners, excellence isn't just a goal; it's the norm. They fuel your ambition, serving as a constant reminder of the potential that lies beyond your current limits.

RESULT #4 - Trusted Sound Boards. Having multiple soundboards that you can trust and rely on for your thoughts, ideas, and plans is paramount to accelerated excellence. Your sparring partners provide valuable input and help you refine your thinking. As a verbal processor, this has been one of the most valuable elements within each of my relationships with my sparring partners.

RESULT #5 - Stimulated Innovation and Action. Collaboration with equally skilled sparring partners is a crucible for innovation. The competitive edge they bring to the table sparks creativity, leading to the birth of novel ideas, ingenious strategies, and unconventional solutions. What sets your circle of sparring partners apart from other groups is their willingness to turn these ideas into action. Together, you're not only ideating but also propelling each other to execute, which often results in groundbreaking innovations and positive impact in each of your industries.

RESULT #6 - Mutual Accountability. When you have equally motivated and ambitious sparring partners who are highly skilled at what they do, an unspoken sense of accountability emerges organically. Complacency and procrastination are swiftly discarded as you realize you're not on this journey alone. The unwavering commitment of your sparring partners inspires each of you to stay focused and disciplined to your North Stars.

?? REFLECT - Take a moment to reflect on the insights shared in this article.

?? COMMENT - What stuck out to you most from this article?

?? NEXT WEEK - We'll dive into "Your Inner Circle".

Until next time,

- Coach Diamyn ??